sad

[Stellata]

I wish I felt less awkward around people.
I wish I was more sensitive to their real needs.
I wish I was more human.
I wish I was less selfish.

I'm trying to change, I really am.

I'm trying to be .. real .. without constantly seeking approval.
It's hard.

How do you do this?

[Stellata]

I have my answer right here, and it's so simple, isn't it?

People stay away from me, and I stay away from people.
Sorted.

Just. It's lonely like that.

Is it selfish of me to want friendships, when I'm so bad at them?
Is all I ultimately do is hurt people?

[tamobhuuta]

i think that because you think yourself awkward, insensitive and selfish kind of proves you are human. never having met you i can't say how accurate your vision of yourself is but given you say you have these weaker areas and want to improve them, makes you a lot of a better person, better human being, than a lot of other people - for example i often have great difficulty just distinguishing between my strengths and weaknesses - so that you have awareness about yourself i think shows taht you're a lot further along than you might think (while at the same time i don't want to dismiss these problem areas because i know how infuriating it is to be told that these things aren't important).


don't stay away from people, except when you need to - everyone needs time by themselves. (i feel bad saying this stuff when you're so honest about yourself you probably know it already.) wanting friendships is good and it hurts when they don't work out especially if you worry you've hurt the other person as well. but friendship is a good thing to seek and i think, as you're working through a lot of other stuff, this will work out too.

[Stellata]

Thanks Miriam. I'll reply properly later.
Seems my child-self-state is being even more 'active' than I'd even thought.

[Stellata]

I'm human, but I hold myself to high standards.
I've also been judged too many times - by random people, by tutors at university, by my father in his own way. This breeds self criticism, and the self criticism breeds on itself.
I don't want to 'change', I want who I really am to come out of hiding, be nurtured, and to flower. But it has a lot of 'bashing' to come up against.

I'm very self conscious, and always censor what I say, trying to find the 'right' thing to say.

I don't have so much of a hard time relating to people in my head as it were, but when it comes to translating it into interaction and words I fall down. I know practice is important. But. It hurts every time I perceive myself as failing. I'm not even sure what success and failure really are in this context.