Triggering (SI) - I don't know what to do

MrsCoulter · 16-07-2010, 08:50 PM

So I am being turfed out of therapy in 4 weeks time, She thinks I'm 'cured' because of all this progress I've made in therapy but I'm scared that I've just told her what she wants to hear and I'm really panicking right now. I'm really depressed because I keep getting attacked on a rabbit forum I'm on because apparently I was patronising in my views about Animal Cruelty. Apparently I am a disgusting human being for buying mice from a pet shop and I dunno - I just want to cut and cut and cut. In fact I've already cut once and I want to scream, cry - just do something! I don't think I'm okay. She said I had BPD and I don't know where to go from here - I asked ot see a psychiatrist but then said I should wait til the 4 weeks are up but then she makes it sound like I have to go through referal again which everyone knows takes months and I think I'm so close to breaking again and just shattering that I don't know what to do. GOD!! Why is life this difficult????

foxfly · 16-07-2010, 09:52 PM

You're not a disgusting human being. A lot of people (me included) feel strongly that you shouldn't buy animals from pet shops for many reasons that I'm sure you heard on the rabbit forum. That doesn't make you a disgusting human being. They may have been attacking you personally and your actions--but try not to see it that way. Their feelings were probably really towards pet shops and not towards you as a person. It can be really hard to deal with conflict and to deal with people saying negative things about you; I know I feel like hell when someone says something negative about me. You have to remind yourself that what they say doesn't change who you are, and how you view yourself is more important than how other view you.

Can you talk to your therapist about how you feel? Or even your GP? It sounds like you're going through a difficult time right now, but maybe your therapist isn't seeing that properly. I know I always want to appear polite and well spoken in front of my therapist even when I don't feel that way. Could you write out a list of your symptoms and how they effect you day to day life? That might help her assess you better. And you can always take things up with your GP if your therapist isn't helping.

I'm sorry things are tough right now and you're not getting the support you need :(

MrsCoulter · 17-07-2010, 03:12 PM

Thanks for the reply. They called me patronising :(

and I generally am against pet shops selling pets but because of my BPD I was in a really impulsive mood and I had to have them - which is awful but unfortunately a regular occurence for me :(

I am definately going to write down how i feel and give it to her because I feel like I've relapsed over night :( and yes if that doesn't help, I will go to my GP to see what they say. I am feeling a lot brighter this morning and can see everytyhing in a new light :)
*hugs*

Cedrus · 19-07-2010, 04:12 AM

Glad to see you are feeling better. When is your next appointment with your therapist? I really hope you are able to express to your therapist how things really are at the moment. Your therapist is there to help you and expects to hear about difficult things or situations/feelings that are arousing stress. I know what its like to feel the need to make them happy or tell them what they want to hear. I used to agree to all the things that my therapist would suggest but since I have become more opinionated and vocal in the sessions they have been going well. It can be very scary being open with someone and facing things head on. I really do hope that you are able to sort something out. By the way (i'm not going to have a go at you or anything) just curious as to why you bought the mice? sorry if thats daft and i should already know!

MrsCoulter · 19-07-2010, 01:33 PM

Flames - I am going to see her on Friday so will spend this week drafting a letter :) and I agree that if I become more vocal, it will be easier. I am okay at expressing how I feel some of the time, but when I disagree with what someone has said or don't know how else to express it, I sort of go along with it.

I bought the mice because I already have 2 and I kind of just wanted some friends for them I guess. But I went to a pet shop because I was having a really bad impulsive day because of BPD and my own stupidity.

Cedrus · 19-07-2010, 07:34 PM

Maybe add that point in your letter - when you disagree with what someone has said you go along with it. At first, well I still do give my therapist letters, but when I was learning how to communicate with him I would tell him I was angry or hurt by what he said via my letters. Over time it became easier to have a free flowing conversations. One bit of advice, just say whats on your mind! don't try to censor it, thats where i fail a lot of times and then it becomes harder to just talk. remember, your therapist has heard lots of things from different people, its hard being open sometimes but they are open to hearing everything and anything, after all, its about YOU and your feelings and thoughts. I guess because I'm not educated on how animals are treated etc, but why is it a bad thing you bought them from a pet shop? if they had been hurt prior to arriving at their new home with you, surely thats a good thing? I see it as you saved those mice and gave them a better home :)