Triggering (SI) - Confused by feeling okay/good

byemebyeme · 16-07-2010, 07:04 AM

Hello,

I'm really, really, extremely confused, scared, overwhelmed, and at the same time I don't even care.

I'm just really looking for some support. And I'm sorry, this is going to be ALL over the place! My brain is going a million miles a minute.

I feel okay. This is the first time I remember feeling okay. I'm not triggered, and I'm not feeling like I will be. Any urges I've had over the last couple of days only last a few minutes, and I can ignore them quite easily, actually.

I literally feel like someone flicked a switch. I can rationalize about SH and tell myself that I don't have to do it. I can allow myself to plan for the future, and I can somewhat believe it will happen.
I almost feel like I'm completely past all of "this" and I'm looking back wondering how I could have thought/done such things.

This always happened when I was injured. The moment I went to the doctor, I was fine. That's how I feel now. I finally told my Dad about my SH, so now I'm fine? Wha? Is that really enough to feel better? I can't really imagine it is. I mean, when I told my Mom I felt better for a few days, but not like this.

The only thing I'm scared of is falling HARD when/if I do. I'm not going to deny the fact that I know I'll relapse, I know I'll slip back into extreme sadness. I guess it's just a matter of when. A matter how? Oh boy, I'm so confused.

And through all of this, I really feel the need to hold on TIGHT to everything. I feel like being happy is wrong, enjoyment is wrong, not faking happiness is wrong. I feel like I need to hold onto my suffering? Blah!

Okay...I guess I'm just looking for some support, really. I feel so scared of feeling like this. It's so unfamiliar...so confusing.
/Thanks for reading.

roiben · 16-07-2010, 12:48 PM

Sounds like you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is a horrible feeling, but it is one that will pass with time. Try not to overthink on how you are feeling in each moment and just take it as it is.

It sounds like a big weight has been lifted of your shoulders from telling your Dad. Is he supportive of you, and do you feel you can talk to him more about the reasons behind the sh? It may be that that sense of no longer having to hide and the ability to be a bit more open about how you are feeling is the reason you feel better now.

I hope it lasts and you do not have any crashes and, if you do, that you can be honest with your parents and ask for their support.

Roiben x

byemebyeme · 16-07-2010, 07:10 PM

Thank you.
He is supportive of me...it's weird him knowing though. Like I just got off the phone with him because we're going on a trip next week and last minute he mentions, "So are you still 8 or 9 days or whatever?" (since SH). I want people to know, I want to be okay with it and accept it, but it's not really the same once they do.
Except for one of my friends, she's been exactly the same. But anyone else who knows is weird around me now. Yuck.

I definitely agree that not having to hide makes me feel slightly better because hiding is SO exhausting and difficult, especially since it's been 90 degrees F+ for the last two weeks.