Triggering (Suicide/Sexual Abuse) - ... Feeling Violated..

[~*Dare to Dream*~]

One ****ed allways ****ed up.
I can't ever do anything right.
I can't say the right things.
I **** everything Up.

I cut myself at work today. Something I thought I'd never do.

I feel so on edge, I want everything to end. I want to escape, dissapear.

Why do others die? Why Can't it be me?

So Much stress, So many triggers.
Exhaustion. I just can't do this anymore, I can't do it anymore.
If I fall asleep tonight and don't wake up i'll be happy.
I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to be doing this anymore.


I give up.

[Mandimoo]

you can't give up hun, don't you dare let him affect oyu like this. he had no right to put you in that situation and he has no right preying on your thoughts and making you feel so bad now.

shut him out, put him in a box and sink it into the sea. you are stronger than this ann, you are better than this. you are so far above all this. don't demean yourself by punishing yourself for doing nothing at all!

love oyu.
c'mon where's my warrior?
love you xena xx

[~*Dare to Dream*~]

I have no strength, no energy left to fight.
Im in such a mess.

I can't do anything right.
EVen people who are close I cant speak to now.
I Can't do it anymore.

i feel so out of control.
my minds going crazy.
I make myself feel SICK.
Im so disgusting.

I fail at everything.

I just dont know what to do anymore

[Merc]

You do the hardest thing of all, dear Ann; the thing you have always done

FIGHT.

Take a bit of a break (if you can remain safe) and gather your strength again, and get this past you.
No, it isnt right, you shouldnt have to fight/face all this...i would change it all, take it all away in a heartbeat...but i cant.
But i can be there for you, anytime you need, babe.
much love
xxxxxx

[~*Dare to Dream*~]

I really don't want to be doing this anymore.
I hate having to hide my emotions.
I hate having to be responsible and look after others when I can't look after myself
I hate confrontation.

I hate the fact he appeared in court the other day for his plea.
Suprise suprise, he said he was not guilty...
so it's definatly going to trial in october.

I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't want to wake up every morning feeling like ****.
I dont want to go to bed every night and re live that night.
I dont want to go to work, where we worked together.
I don't want anyof this.

I just want it all to be over. I really can't do this anymore.

I hate myself.
I hate my body.

I now weigh less than i have done for god knows how many years.
Even with meds and stuff its just not shifting.
I hate the fact im taking meds.

I just can't do this anymore.
I want it to be over. But its too far away.
Im not going to last that long.
im hurting myself in so many ways.
Im scared of going that step too far.

Im scared because im so good at hiding everything no one realises.
even when i tell someone they just shrug it off and tell me that ill be okay.

... if only they knew..

[~*Dare to Dream*~]

I Saw him today, i was so close to him - i was leaning on the door and he walked through it.

he looked at me and half smiled at me.

Eugh it makes me feel sick.
feels like my head has been put in a vice and its just being tightened and tightened

I ran out i was with two of my mates and burst into tears
i started driving and wanted to drive into a brick wall

i cut myself in some public toilets

i feel so out of control
i dont know what to do
i feel so unsafe#

[~*Dare to Dream*~]

Head Pounding.
Feel Sick.
Feel Violated.
What Did I Do To Deserve This?

All I See Is You, When I Close my Eyes; I Want You To Get Out!
I Can't Stand It Any Longer, I Can't Do This For Much Longer.
Two Different Sides Of A Coin, Two Different Sides of Me.
I Don't Know Who I Am Any More.

I Feel Fake, I Feel Unreal. It's Like I Am Wearing a Mask.
Numbness All Over Me Again. Spiralling Down Round And Round.
Like Your Doing "It" All Over Again.
The Feelings, The Sickness, The Pain (Down There).
It Was Me Who Feels, Guilty, Shamed, Violated.
I Want Out Of This Body, Out Of This Mind.
Its Sickened, Its Poisened, Its Twised.
****ed Up.
Are You Happy With What You Have Done To Me ****er?

[pea soup]

i dont really know what to say that would help. i can tell you that i was in the same place for years as a child and it was horribly traumatic. i understand how you feel. but ive seen you accomplish so many wonderful things in your life.

your ultimate victory would be to stand up to the bastard in trial and watch him get convicted. dont let a monster like that defeat you. you deserve so much more.

*safe hugs*