I'm not sure if you are allowed to pull out other peoples quotes and use them in your own thread so I apologise if it isn't the done thing. I just needed to pull this out because it hits deep inside me and I don't even know why (Stellata I hope you don't mind, if you do pm me and i'll remove/edit this post).
"They-I deserve and need compassion, true. But their real nature should not be veiled in 'romanticism'.
Shocking truth - child alter states/embedded inner children are NOT cute and sweet and sugar and spice. They're wounded and defended and trapped in the behaviours they learned back then. They're frozen in time and hurting and screaming and unable to communicate their needs clearly."
To be honest this post is not much of anything because I have no words to put to this, but it feels really important for me to highlight this quote. I don't consider myself to have inner children....but for some reason this quote scares me. I am unable to be compassionate....you are right they are not sweet and nice.......don't have the words just....
^^^^^^^^
sorry again for the nothingness of this post, i will edit it if anyone wants me too.
I seem to lack the words. It is a problem because I get stuck...'frozen'...when I go...'there'....whereever that is! All i know is....without meaning to sound completely pathetic and/or dramatic....it feels too big. Like if I faced the pain i'd die. I've realised it isn't something i consciously can decide upon either, it is seperate from me almost. All I really know is that I hate it, deeply. Whatever 'it' is. I'm making no sense....sorry. Thanks for allowing me to use your words.
I understand what you mean about getting trapped *there*. It's a sort of twilight zone. A 'planet' of it's own. The past in the present. It can feel so chaotic and overwhelming. And terrifying, annihilating. Because so much of your sense of self was/felt annihilated Back Then.
I also totally get how it is not a conscious choice.
Partly it's a trap of repeating, and trauma's terrifying legacy, but also even within that it's the ache for resolution and healing.
That is it. It feels as though nothing makes sense. It is terrifying. That is a good word to use. I'm terrified but I have no idea what of. All i know is that I want it to stay far, far away. It fills me up (?overwhelming) with feelings i can't pinpoint. Sometimes i'm only left repeating the word 'pain' over and over. I don't have any other words for it. I don't really understand what you mean about trap of repeating and trauma's terrifying legacy.....i don't understand that, but i do pray for the pain to go, i'd do anything to stop the pain. It is strange how you can 'feel or 'know' something without understanding what it is. Like your quote in my original post.
I never let it come close enough to have a shape/image/colour but i do because it contaminates me. Urg, sorry, i'm a set of opposites. All i know is that it feels as though it is invading me and i want it out, to get it out. I always say in therapy that i feel dirty but i don't know if that is the right word to use, but that is how it makes me feel, it makes me want to get it out of me like you would dirt. The minute i go near it i freeze and i don't want to go near it, but i don't know what it is.....i would say i was making this up because it sounds so ridiculous not knowing, but....it isn't a lie....sometimes I actively hurt myself to make it go away. sorry. sorry.
I noticed Stellata's oringinal post too and it struck a chord with me also. I don't know how to describe the feeling, it's horrible. I try not to look at the feeling, I try to keep it always locked away.
My therapist once got my 'little' to come close to the surface. She was utterly mute, voiceless. I think that's what it was like growing up: there were no words to describe the world around me.
I don't really understand either, CagedBird. I can sympathise though.
Yes, it feels like it will taint me. You don't know the amount of times i've said that, and it sounds so egotistical but that is how it feels. I get angry to keep it away.
Thanks Rosy. It is really useful to hear other people's stories and feelings especially when i understand how hard it can be to convey. I don't look at the feelings either, i make it go away. I refuse to allow it, even though it feels like it controls me, but it doesn't but it does.....it is both and neither.
My therapist keeps wanting me to go to that vulnerable part but it is very hard to keep there without getting angry or freezing. I appreciate you post because when i was growing up it too felt like i was looking out at the world i didn't understand. I always held myself back, my mum would literally cry at me to talk but I didn't have any words....and....well.....i can't say that here....but yes i understand. It is painful. Thankyou for sharing.
Why can't you say that here? What scares you? I sense that it's an abusive experience you're describing yourself as a child went through?
The thing about stuffing feelings down, they tend to come back at a concentrated strength, to get you to listen. You are already responding to them, by sensitively being aware of the fear etc. That's a good thing, that you are aware.
It's ok to feel anger, really it is. It's the first step to healing the frozeness. But don't direct it all at you. You've been through enough.
Vulnerability is... vulnerable. And it has many layers.
You deserve tenderness.
I tend to sit on top of my emotions, hide from them. I was telling someone the other day about someone important to me dying. I was laughing about it, saying it wasn't a big deal. They looked really upset and said it sounded like a huge deal. But I didn't let myself feel anything, I just kept smiling...
My little part is in a lot of pain, but I don't know how to listen to her. When I look at her, it hurts. I don't want to feel that pain. I don't feel like I'll be able to function any more if I look at that pain.
Maybe you need to feel angry? I never really feel anger, but lately I've been realising that I have a lot to feel angry about, that I never felt angry about at the time... Maybe one day it will come out...
Why can't you say that here? What scares you? I sense that it's an abusive experience you're describing yourself as a child went through?
No I don't have any abusive experience. I...well....EDIT: Sorry too much.
I'm the glad the anger is the first step because it feel as though that has been my entire life - anger. In therapy i've come to learn more about the anger and that it is a protection so i don't beat myself up as much as i used too.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosy
My little part is in a lot of pain, but I don't know how to listen to her. When I look at her, it hurts. I don't want to feel that pain. I don't feel like I'll be able to function any more if I look at that pain.
Maybe you need to feel angry? I never really feel anger, but lately I've been realising that I have a lot to feel angry about, that I never felt angry about at the time... Maybe one day it will come out...
No i don't know how to listen either. I very much understand how you feel about that fear of not being able to function if you looked....i wish I could help. I do need to be angry because being angry is part of the person i've created, it makes me self independent and strong and keeps people far away from me. I don't like people close to me. I don't have anything to feel angry about strangely enough, i always used to think i was anger personified but i think i'm more.....sensitive? I show the reverse of what i am. I cannot imagine not being angry, it is my defense against the pain and sadness.
Last edited by CagedBird : 11-07-2010 at 09:52 PM.
