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i need help, advice, clarity :(
In advance i am sorry for how disjointed this post will sound, my head is really unclear at the moment and i can't explain anything any better than this as i really dont understand this myself :(
Ok so i imagine some of you girls/guys here can relate to not feeling normal in relation to your thoughts, action and mental states. I have NEVER felt normal, i have always thought too much about everything. I spend every day being paranoid that everyone hates and wouldnt want to spent time talking to me. I feel people judge me by my looks. It has got to the extent where i wont leave the house as im afraid people will look at me and think stuff about me. The paranoia is driving me crazy. I confince myself people hate me, wont want to talk to me, dont want to spend time with me. I have panic attacks and freak out. I have moods that are so tempermental some days i am okay and others i am all wrong and spend my days crying and wanting to scream as i hate the person i am so much.
And its not an understatement i cant look at pictures of myself, i hate looking in mirrors, i detest myself. I have issues with meeting new people and with my boyfriend, i am certain and paranoid that everyone thinks why the hell is he with me when im this digusting. An example is me and the bf were in a shop and i had to use the toilet, when i cam back he was talking to two girls he works with, i saw this and decided to hide behind a rack as i was too embarrassed and paranoid to walk up to my own bf and have them look at me, and i thought they would judge me and look me up and down and laugh inside at me.
I want to be okay with myself, i dont want to hate myself. I dont want to not be able to meet my bfs friends incase i have a freak out about them thinking stuff about me.
I live in the clouds and create a perfect image in ym head of what i want to be, this expectation i can never live up to. I freak out with failure too, if i dont do the best or people dont act happy as i want them to at things i have done or bought them etc i freak out and blame myself, hate myself for not being good enough. Hell i even compulsively told lies to my bf at the start of our relatioonship about me to make him like me as i thought he would hate the real me.
My bf always could tell i help things back as when i had a bad day he would be like whats up and i couldn never saw as i didnt want him to think as i was a weirdo. But today it all came out as i wouldnt leave the house when he wanted us to go out, i cried like a baby and told him everything my weight issues, my paranoia, selfhatred and it all.
I have with his help decided to seek help, he is taking me to the doctors next week. I have been medicated before for depression but this isnt a spell of depression this is a burden i have lived with ever since i remember, say since i was 12 years old. This constant voice in my head saying il never be good enough.
I saw a counsellor at school but i have no idea how these things work in the health service. Like what do i say to my GP? I dont even know the difference between a psychologist and a counsellor? How do i get help? If it helps i am 19 years old from the UK. Any experience with public health mental advice, or even opionion would be amazing?
Please help as i am freaking out even more now at the prospect of having to tell a stranger the way my head works???
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