Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - How to approach SI with a partner

EmmalovesAdam · 06-07-2010, 11:20 PM

Ok, this is my first post and im not sure if i'm in the right section. I'm 23 so im not sure if im classed as a veteran on here but as theres younger people on the other section i'd rather be over-cautious but im sorry if i got it wrong.
I just wanted some advice on how to approach talking about wanting to self harm again with my boyfriend. I used to do it but haven't in a couple of years, I wasn't with him when i did or when i was first stopping. My scars were already white and i know he must have noticed. One time he did ask how i got the ones on my arm and i said i did them and that was as much as i've spoken about it. We've been together just over a year and half and i know he loves me.
I'm just so scared of losing him. Especially since he knows i was sexually abused when i was younger (my parents don't). I managed to admit it early on as we'd been friends before being in a relationship. I just said that i had been and it was only a month or so ago that i told him exactly what happened. He said that he was glad i could tell him but he just hated the thought of that happening to me and it makes him upset to think about someone hurting me so what would he think of me wanting to hurt myself again?
I don't think it was me having the conversation that triggered me wanting to SI.
He is 21 and im 23 and i know he finds it hard to talk about emotions and stuff and im terrified that he's gonna start to think that with the abuse and then the SI that its more than he can handle. Ijust don't know whether to tell him or just try and deal with it alone? I think he knows somethings making me feel low though.

PoisonedApple · 06-07-2010, 11:33 PM

I will think on this and come back to it *hugs*

EmmalovesAdam · 06-07-2010, 11:35 PM

Thank you

Bellatrix · 11-07-2010, 11:05 PM

I"m in the same boat. I ahd to lie and say a cut I did was an accident.

He said he'd be disappointed if I did it again and I don't know how to tell him I want to.

pointless post, but I wanted you to know you're not alone.

Margo · 12-07-2010, 12:34 PM

Hello and welcome to Vets. Yes you are classed a vet but only if you want to class yourself as that. Theres many over 18/20 etc who never post in vets. Its really just where you feel most comfy to be honest :)

I think the best option is to tell him. He already knows that you used to self harm so the shock value wont be there. If he was unsderstanding about your abuse then there is a good chance he will be understanding about this. Keeping it all to yourself for fear of losing him will do you BOTH more harm than good in the long run.

The longer you leave it the longer the torture will be and the bigger the monster it will create! Relationships are about the good and the bad. The relationships that work and last and grow are those that accept and overcome the bad things. You need to give each other chance to find out and see how this goes. If you withold you will end up resenting him and yourself. You will feel no one is there to support you and ultimately you can end up feeling worse.

Your past and your scars perhaps do not define you but they are certainly a part of you. A part that ANy relationship you have long term will need to be shared. I can guess the feelings of terror at being rejected over this. will he think you are a freak or a nutter. Or will he think you are just waaaay too much to handle and do a runner. Well who knows? He could think all those or he could be a gem and try his best to understand and accept. He wont ever fully understand unless hes done it himself. I dont think anyone who hasnt can, but he can try. The only way you will find out is by telling him. If he stays then you have a good one. If he goes, then im afraidn he was never right for you in the first place.

Its far easier for me to say than to do. Best of luck in what ever you decide to do :)

Matthew

Margo · 12-07-2010, 12:50 PM

Oops i went a bit offtopic and forgot the 'how-to' part >.<

If it was me i would start by explaining a little about SH in general. I would try to explain a little about what it is and how it affects people. You could tell him why many people do it and the things that can happen during recovery such as slip ups and triggers etc. By speaking generally and not specifically about yourself you are letting him know that you arent the only one and that this is something that many people share. It could help to mention some famous people. That can kinda remove the "freak" factor a little.

Try and use analogies, examples and expressions that he can relate to. Explain the similarities with addiction and addictive behaviours for example. People can seem to relate to addiction far easier, and so you could perhaps liken urges to those an ex smoker may have for a cigarette?

Tell him you are scared of scaring him off. Be honest! Tell him its hard. Tell him what you expect of him or want. Assure him you dont want or need him to fix you but to just accept and be there to give you the strength to keep going and not judge.

Write down the things you would like to say. Bullet-point things. Read them over and over or keep it in your pocket. When you speak to him you have something to refer to if you lose track.

:)

PoisonedApple · 12-07-2010, 04:49 PM

Well dang... I have some time to calm my mind and think on this come back and Mathew's already answered you much more eloquently and fully than I could have... But just to reinforce the part that I find most important... write it down in advance and give it some time between writing it down and talking to him to be sure you got everything and so you don't forget anything. *hugs*