I wrote something to give to my therapist, looking for support
I'm having an extremely hard time in therapy talking, and I was promoted by some members to write something down and give it to him.
I write very often and extensively, trying to make sense of everything.
I've told my therapist that I write a lot, and when he asks what I write about, I don't really have an answer...it's really an explosion of anything and everything I'm thinking. He also said he would be interested in what I really mean when I say that I "write about everything" but I'm really not comfortable sharing my actual journal entries with him.
But I found a middle ground between my crazy, all over the place journal writing and me sitting down and writing a formal letter. So last night my head was somewhat clear, but still rushing. I just kept writing, so it's still kind of all over the place, but it's somewhat more contained that my normal writing.
So I wrote a little (somewhat long written out) letter type thing explaining stuff to give to him on Tuesday.
I'm definitely freaking out about giving it to him. And I needed to just get it out in the open, and I'm just looking for some support. It's really making me sick thinking about giving it to him. I'm really not looking for "I think you should change this and this in the letter" comments, I'm just looking for some support right now. I'm not changing what I wrote. It's me, completely out in the open, and I know that's what I need to do as painful as it is.
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So here it is:
When you asked me why (the song) "World Spins Madly On" has meaning to me, I lied: I said I didn't know; I said it was pretty. I do know why it has meaning to me. But I'm scared to tell you. Even though I know it's safe to tell you, and I know especially in this situation I don't have to worry about being judged. But I don't know - "Old habits die hard" right? I've spent so long teaching myself to be quiet...to just share what people want to hear. So now I'm stuck. I hear what I would say in my head, and I push those words away. And really, it is quite frustrating. I play out complete conversations just to reassure myself that what I could say might now be as bad as I think it is. I try to find the courage to say what I want - what I should - and I loose it. I stay quiet, and to everyone else, seemingly perfect. I'm the one who has it all together.
So like in the song, I wake up and lay there. I try to fall back asleep just so I can have a few more moments of peace. I wake up and am bothered that I'm still alive. I can't enjoyment where there is none. I don't know where to find the motivation to wake up and try, and push, and live through this. I try so hard and constantly fighting - and I don't want to anymore.
I'm so tired - in every way.
I don't remember not feeling this way, really. And so it bothers me that I don't feel like I have a reason to feel this way. Especially since it's been a long, long time. I decided before to agree that I would "grow out of it" - but now things are the same, and worse at times, so I'm thinking it's not a faze.
Is everyone else really in this much pain too - hiding it day by day too? Or are they just fantastic at coping? But it's strange: nothing has to happen for me to feel this way, I just already do. I wake up and go to sleep with the same thought, with the same pain, and I find it impossible to believe that "things will get better." It's only gotten worse - I didn't ask for this. I didn't.
I want to tell you this, but my words break and melt before they reach my lips. So here they are, broken and confused words, aiming to clear things up and to make sense for once. My pen is strong when I cannot be.
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I think that is very powerful. I admire your courage and strength to be open and honest with your therapist. There have been sessions where I have sat unable to say a single word in therapy and ironically those have been the most reassuring because my therapist has sat with me in my pain unlike anyone else ever has and not forced me to speak. The next time I saw her I did the same as you, i wrote what I wanted to say in the previous session but couldn't. I hope you find it as connecting an experience as I did.
Quote:
Originally Posted by byemebyeme
I want to tell you this, but my words break and melt before they reach my lips.
OMG dear. I thought I was the only one who felt like that. My entire life I've felt like that, only mine is slightly different. I have always had this stranged need to protect everyone. I tell people want the want to hear and never say what I want to say. I carry on imaginary conversations with people to say what I truly want to say. Your letter is beautiful. I write too. Its the only way I can truly express myself. I am so glad there is someone out there like me. You are so brave, I was never able to talk to my therapist about that. You are an amazingly brave person and I wish you the best.
No one really has to read this, it's just what happened for my sake.
So first thing, I sat down and started pulling the letter thing out of my bag. I knew if I waited, I wouldn't give it to him. I said something along the lines of "this is for you" and handed it to him. He joked around and asked questions like "You're okay with me reading this?" and "Is it okay if I read it to myself?" "Do you want me to turn away". And of course, he was serious about it, but he also knows that humor is comforting to me...plus he's just a funny guy.
I was just thinking: "Just read it! I don't care!" tehe
But anyway...I sat there while he read it and I had to REALLY remind myself to take REALLY deep breaths so I wouldn't get sick or hyperventilate. So I sat there staring at the floor, and I tried to lift my eyes a little after taking a few breaths. It's okay, it's okay
So the session definitely went differently. I mean I basically just gave him my internal thoughts that are very, very internal for me. He did mention after a while that he really respects that I gave it to him, and that he feels honored, etc. And it was also kind of funny: he said the letter had really nice grammar...to which I responded "I write like I talk". Ha: I'm snarky...I wasn't really meaning to, but it really seems like I was now that I think about it.
He also asked at one point once he put it on his desk if he could look at it again, he's so nice. Yes, it's already out in the open, you can look at it again.
He asked me why I decided now. Why I decided to give this to him now...I wasn't really sure, besides I'm fed up and frustrated wasting time every week.
He moved on to ask me a lot more questions. Which was somewhat nice for a change. He's definitely not a "I'm going to pick away at your problems" kind of therapist, he's a "I'll wait for you to come to me" kind of therapist, so it's really hard for me. I don't really know what I would prefer. But I think it's a good match for the time being.
Anyway, I'm getting off topic.
He asked me if within the last 7 days I woke up and wanted to be alive. I said no. He asked 14 days? I said I didn't remember. Which means no, really. And he knew that. He asked lots of things, like stuff to do with enjoyment...which all kind of proved I'm depressed, but he didn't say that. But it seemed like that's where he was getting to.
So lots of questions...lots of me trying to remind myself that I just gave him a huge part of me in that letter, and that I can say stuff in front of him. But as much as I wanted to, I still didn't say a lot. I'm a really big short answer person. But he did ask things about why I don't speak up around him, or other people, and I did flat out tell him I was scared.
"Scared of what?"
"ummmm...people knowing too much?"
I don't even know why...ak. That's helpful, huh?
Anywho. He finished up saying, "I know we joke around in here, but this is serious: I need to ask you some things." (He's gone next week doing training) And he proceeded to ask me things like
"Do you want to harm yourself?"
"Yes."
"How much?" (and he gave me some kind of scale to measure it on) "How often do you think about harming yourself?"
"A lot. All the time"
"Have you attempted to?" he said
And I really didn't know what he meant...attempted what? He knows I cut...so I said no. Because I was assuming that he meant attempted suicide, which I haven't really.
Then he asked some type of "how long has it been/how frequent" and I told him I hadn't cut in 7 days (whohoo!).
Anyway, I'm 99% sure no one cares to read all of this, basically he gave me his email and phone number and told me to email/call him next week while he's gone if I felt like I needed to/wanted to. And to tell him if I needed a reply, ie: call me back, or if I was okay, and we'll talk the next week.
On the way out I jokingly said something like, "I'm glad I didn't have a panic attack giving that to you" (I really mask intense feelings with humor...blah) and he said something like "It wasn't as bad as you thought it was right?" or "I don't think it was as bad as you imagined." But no...it was definitely terrible and scary and made me feel pretty crappy.
Then I left and went to the bathroom and slightly hyperventilated for a while - clenching me fists so I wouldn't use them to hurt myself. I've never felt such a strong urge before, it was really intense. I was really close to walking back in there and telling him I needed a minute to be safe before I left. But I didn't. I walked to the bus stop, almost turned around 2 or 3 times to go back, and saw I had a voicemail from a friend. I called her and didn't mention anything like how much I was trying to keep my self on the sidewalk, but she definitely was a distraction.
So now I wait two weeks...that's SUCH a long time now that I just completely opened up. I'm afraid I'll shut down again, but I know I have my writing to give him.
I'm really glad that you went through with giving your letter/note to him.
I feel kind of bad about what you felt like during and after that though; but I'm hoping that it has helped you, even if just a bit.
This might not help, but if you feel like you might shut down again, you could continue writing these sort of letters (even if you don't plan on giving it to anyone).
I'm sorry about how I can't be of more help because I don't really have a good idea about what you're going through. : (
He sounds like a really caring T. I know you found the whole session really anxiety provoking but you survived it! yay! ...And not only did you survive it but it sounds like he responded to your letter really well as you felt as thought he was more understanding by asking you questions. That sounds really important. I'm struck by how respectful he was of your letter and if I extrapolated that out, how respectful he was of your inner thoughts and feelings.
Quote:
Originally Posted by byemebyeme
He asked me why I decided now. Why I decided to give this to him now...I wasn't really sure, besides I'm fed up and frustrated wasting time every week.
I think that sounds like a good enough reason to give him the letter. Maybe as well you are starting to trust him more?
Quote:
Originally Posted by byemebyeme
But he did ask things about why I don't speak up around him, or other people, and I did flat out tell him I was scared.
"Scared of what?"
"ummmm...people knowing too much?"
I don't even know why...ak. That's helpful, huh?
The best thing about therapy is you aren't being examined and you don't need to know all the answers beforehand....personally in my case, if there was an 'answer' it would change between every session anyway! This may be an interesting topic to discuss further with your T.
I'm sorry you felt so crappy after giving the letter but I hope you also feel proud of taking a risk and sticking with it. That is a big deal! I think it is fantastic your T not only heard what you said in your session but offered further support for the intervening 2 weeks. He sounds like a really respectful, supportive T.
.gif "sohappy")
mental hug.
