i don't think i have much more strength left.

[helaena]

God, where to even start? I feel like I'm not strong enough to write this. I'm not even sure I want to say it, because that might make it even more real.

Well, here goes, I guess.
I've been depressed for about seven years now, as I recall.
I have never been diagnosed, but my mother is a psychologist, and I've done a few tests that have somewhat confirmed it.
I guess I don't have to explain it to you, you know how it feels. It used to be a feeling like everything was rotting inside, and now it's just a sense of complete deadness.
Like everything has burned up inside me, like it's burnt ruins and ashes.
I know it sounds like some sh*tty goth poem, but I'm trying to explain it as realistically as I feel it.

Well, here's my problem.
I have been in a serious relationship for three years now, three and a half in August.
So far he has been my strongest wall to lean on, just like he would help me make everything better. And I can't explain how helpful it has been.
He has never made me feel guilty for my self injury and has always tried to make everything alright, like he was protecting me from my own negativity.
And that has helped me immensely; for a while there I was self injury free for over a year.

Recently [for the past few months], I feel like he just... broke. Or like I broke him. Because he's not strong anymore and he's started feeling empty and unhappy for no reason, and for some time now, I have been the one holding the other up.
I have drained incredible strength and optimism from myself in order to keep him from falling down, all the while ignoring my own returning growing unhappiness.

So, the point of this entire thread [I apologize if it's too long], is that I'm not sure if I have much strength left to hold the both of us up. I don't know what changed, but I feel guilty for everything. I always do.
And I wonder, could I have broken him? Was he not as strong as he seemed, and did my unhappiness just eat up the positive energy he was giving me, leaving us both empty and broken?

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with, because, while I was alone, I only had myself to try holding up, and later, he was there to help me with it. Now I'm left to fight both of our battles alone, and I would love it if I could, but I'm already drained as it is. I feel so helpless and guilty.


I'm so sorry if this thread was too long and thank you, anyone, if you had the patience to read it.

[helaena]

i feel so stupid for posting this last night.

[Sigma]

no need to feel stupid, it's what we're all here for...

have you been to a Dr for a proper diagnosis & treatment? whether that's counselling or meds. Because they should be a source of support. Also, if this is affecting your relationship (and it sounds as if it is) how about couple/relationship counselling?

I hope you work something out :)

[tamobhuuta]

i don't think depression is contagious. yeah it's stressful for the supporter but it doesn't necessarily make you depressed yourself, so i think, given you both feel like this, could you both see your doctor(s)? depression can get better in time in some cases but it's always a good idea to get help if that's at all possible.

[helaena]

I honestly wouldn't like to go to counseling or talk to anyone professional about my depression, it's a weird thing, but I feel like I don't want to share it with anyone, like it's something mine that I'm supposed to keep only for myself, safe.

I've talked to my boyfriend about this today, and it seems like he has no idea what I'm talking about.
Goody.

[crazykat]

Don't feel stupid for posting, we are here to offer support. I am sure you didn't make your boyfriend depressed either, so don't feel bad about that. I know talking to a professional about your depression can be hard but remember it's an option as with the right treatment you can recover from depression. Take care
Kat xxx

[missunderstood_sara]

I understand not wanting to talk about it. Talking about it makes it more real. and if you keep it to yourself you don't negatively effect anyone else. Your fella might not realize that he's been down. or he may be trying to put on a strong face for you. Without knowing either of you I can't speak much to that. But if you feel like you are leaning on him too much feel free to email/chat me. I know what its like to need someone to lean on who can actually compehend what you are going through. Stay strong. I am sending you lots of positive energy, hope it helps.

[missunderstood_sara]

Oh and idk if this will help you but it helps me. I have very lately gotten into chakras and all that there's a site that tells you what chakras are closed and how to open them. It sounds weird but it helps me. I think it might just be because it gives you something to really focus on and it keeps bad thoughts away.

http://www.eclecticenergies.com/chakras/chakratest.php

hope it helps

[helaena]

thank you all for your advice. even though I haven't resolved anything completely, I've been feeling better these last couple of days and I think he has been too. i hope the positivity will last a little longer this time.
*hugs everyone back*

[tamobhuuta]

it's good to hear that, i hope it continues too. xxx

[helaena]

thank you. :) <3