Im sorry for anyone who has to read this but i'd appreciate anything right now
Ok.. so well my key worker is aweful, i've tried to work with her for 4 months now and im going to be in for another 2 minimum and it's just not working. I get very upset and frustrated with her when i try to reach out for support (which is very ard for me because i think they're all with the government or aliens and have made numerous attempts to run away because they wont hurry up and run the tests..
its becoming just arder and harder.. i cant stand being there but can't stand being at home either, i'm very lost.. just want to run away and hide) Anyway yeah i was pretty desperate and she's done this to me numerous times, she can't handle my trauma and can't even bear when i try talking about the hallucinations she just blanks me and changes the subject. She made me cry because i tried to talk about my nights, which are horrific at the moment i spend most of it hysterical but can't reach out to the night staff for help. I don't know if its she can't bear it or she wont acknowledge it because they tell me "its all in my head".. but its bloody not they're more reeal to me than they are, they're putting new memories and flashbacks in my head deliberately so that they can have a laugh at my reaction, they enjoy my pain
! There are two members of staff i know that arent in the government..im not sure what they are maybe i could ask for one of them to be in my key worker? Case management takes place at the beginning of the week.. maybe i could ask to go in it? But.. im scared because all of them.. aliens, spies, secret service to the government will all be there... how can i confront them all?? Also like how do i word all the above without being insulting to her or 'unproffesional' as they'd say.. id have to word it right in order for them to do anything but on the other hand they must just refuse and laugh in my face like the rest of the times i try reaching out for help.
Also... like ok another patient, the devil says she's a distant sister of mine, that she's truly evil, not a disapointment like me (im evil just dont want to be) and that she knows im a disappointment to him and has been sent in order to destroy me. She bitches about me all the time to the other patients, spreads rumours about me (some are true) and is turning them all against me, they all ganged up on me earlier and made me cry.. Also she had a fag in my room and put a blade on my desk and then left glass for when i went into the bathroom earlier (we were the only two left in the area and she knew i was waiting to use it.. she was probably informed that i was) so its like she's egging me on to hurt myself. But im too scared to tell staff because they're probably helping her or that if they do something she'll hurt me even more...
Ok last but not least.. violent thoughts my ex keeps showing me hurting other people in distinct detail (including my keyworker) and they have actually controlled me and tried to make me hurt other people.. i went into another patients room the other night (a spy) and
How do I cope with it? Because its really upsetting me and i think im going to lose control and really hurt someone... spy, alien or not i dont want to hurt anyone because i deserve any pain i get. I'm sorry this is so long... im very confused and lost at the moment and im not really letting it out... sorry
