I am so ugly.
I can't afford to change my image.
I can't afford to buy new clothes.
I'm just a common Londoner.
I hate my voice.
And yet at work I am seen as highly educated, friendly, helpful, all those things. And I even feel different at work.
But when I really look at myself. I am NOT what I aspire to be.
I hate that my illness has meant I've had to be in a low paid job for so long.
I am better than when I was forced to wear Clark's shoes and homemade clothes right into my mid teens. I am better than when I was not even allowed to change my hair style. [I've just grown it, and trim it myself, so I don't ever have to go through hairdresser-humiliation ever again.]
But it sure doesn't feel that way right now, that I'm much better off.
"I'm as ugly as ****, common as muck, and all my clothes are at least 2 years old."
Yeah. I am 40.
But I sure don't feel it right now.
And... the sadness of all that has got me to this point.
The almost unbearable sadness. And then all the rage.
I'm having a hard time bearing these feelings.
And there's this small voice inside me that wants someone to say to me, someone who knows me in real life, to say to me in real life "I think you're beautiful just the way you are." I'm close to tears.
I'm sure if I knew you IRL I'd say exactly that to you because I do think you are beautiful just as you are. I'm in the wrong country to tell you that IRL though so *HUGE Huggles* will have to do.
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
Uh.
Thing is, if you saw me, you really wouldn't think that.
I feel so despairing.
I want to hurt myself, or more.
I just feel like so much rubbish, only fit to be thrown away.
I feel like phoning up my parents, and asking if they think I am ugly.
But that would be fruitless either way. Because they can't really see ME. And never really have done.
Any compliment about clothes was "That looks nice." [ie the dress or whatever is nice.] Never "You look beautiful in that."
Thing is, if you saw me, you really wouldn't think that.
After digging through pic threads and finding a picture of you I have to disagree. I think you are beautiful, inside and out.
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
Stellata - I for one sure look up to you. I have some idea what it feels like to feel like I want to be different but one day, gradually I started to realize it was ok, that I'm ok.
Perhaps, you need some more help? To just slowly learn to love yourself. Nobody is perfect lovey. I say that tentatively because I don't want it to come out sounding wrong but y'know I don't know you and I feel you are a source of inspiration to keep striving. You know a lot.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. The tears will come when they are ready, when you feel you can but please try and not beat yourself up about things.
Although, I can't claim to know exactly how you feel. I do have a sense of what it might feel like for you.
I used to sit on trains and look around at people (not starring but noticing) and feel jealous. I would envy the way they looked and who they seemed to have around them etc It seemed to me as if they had a much more exciting life and were much happier.
The truth was, who was I to assume that was the case? Life often looks greener on the other side but it rarely is.
Sometimes, it can be very hard to like ourselves or have self belief.
trying not to digress but why shouldnt you or i feel angsty at this age? WHo said we cant. **** it! We can. you know jung believed our development doesnt stop at childhood. If thats the case then why should certain feelings and states and emotions be compartmentalised to times and ages?
So if you wanna feel angsty now then do so. Go slam a door. Leave cups in your room till the go mouldy, play your music really loud and the next person you see face to face just scream and shout "you dont understand me"!! lol. Ok perhaps not quite the Harry Enfield Kevin the teenager type thing but you know what i mean.
~Phoenix~ is my Little Sister of Awesomeness and Self-Delusion :P Bitter Angel is my Mitten Animad is my Top Trump All Im Living For - Is my beautiful and special daughter who isnt called Kim but will moan if i dont add her :P
