I think I might have discovered why I have had such a hard time in accepting something from my past. Everyone has always kind of expected it to affect me loads more than it has. Truthfully, I just thought that I hd done my usual and shruged it off, either that or not accepted it myself.
Today though, I think that I may have discovered the true reasoning behind it. I was not abused or raped as I have claimed. As the police report said, it was consensual. There was no signs of a struggle. I just lay back and let him.
I have relived that night when he locked me in many many times. I always thought thathere was nothing else I could have done. Sure I was scared, I thought he would kill me. But I still just let him do it. I tried telling him I didt want to stay. And i tried to get out but I couldnt. And then I just gave up. Just stoppedfighting and let him. I hate myself for letting him, but i still did.
But wait there, it gets worse. Not only did I let him, but once I did escape, I went to the police. I deserved everything that happened after that! I deserved to have died, but I cant even get that right. Why didnt they see how evil I am and leave me there.
How am I suppossed to deal with this now? How am I suppossed to go on holiday and pretend that everything is fine knowing what a horrible person I am. I deserve everything i got and more.t
If you think someone is going to kill you and therefore you "let them" have sex with you that is not consent. Consent is a freely given thing. Giving consent because you think someone is going to kill you is not consent and if he had sex with you under those circumstances then that is rape. Just laying there isn't even consent. Consent is active. One must say yes, greatly imply yes or must be obviously into what is happening to them for consent to be real. Just laying there isn't consent especially when you think someone is going to kill you if you don't let them do what you are doing.
That police report is wrong!
You are not a horrible person. Any normal person wouldn't put up a fight if they thought their life was in danger. You didn't deserve anything. If someone else told you your story as if it happened to them would you tell them they deserved it. Probably not.
If what ever happened wasn't abuse or wasn't bad then why does it still bother you....
consensual sex does not bother someone years after it happened to the extent this obviously bothers you.
Location: Denial Tent, Virtual Psych Ward Campsite, MA, USA
I am currently:
honey that's not true
what you describe doesn't make it consensual - saying no or whatever it was that you said is more than enough to make it clear that you didnt want it
and you dont deserve anything bad that isnt true either
you didnt do anything wrong - he did
im sorry and i hope that you feel better and i hope that you find a way to get some peace on holiday
Oh Kim..
That was not consensual, you did not want it to happen. You tried to get out, but you couldnt. You were scared- he didnt give you much option. He did something terribly wrong to you. Letting it happen isnt consent honey. You should have gone to the police, that was the right thing to do. He was in the wrong.
I hope you're OK.
Take care, Miriam xxxxx
I put myself there! I prety much put myself in that postion. I should have known better.
I feel like im falling apart. I cant stand to be me. My mind is feels like it s slipping.
But I cant ruin this holiday for my family. I am just being selfish, as usual.
Im sorry. I just feel like im going down hill fast, yet again.
if you don't say 'yes' or indicate you wanted it to happen, then it is non-consentual. even if you don't fight or struggle. sometimes fear paralyzes us. it doesn't take a genius to guess whether the other person is 'into this kind of thing' or if they want it to go further.
*hugs* if you had struggled it could well have been worse for you, he may have been violent either in the intercourse or other ways. i agree the police report is wrong. i would do anything in my power to change it, report the officer or something. mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
You didn't ask for it Kim. We all expect people to be nice, you couldnt have realised that this would happen. In retrospect we can all say 'i should have known better'.. but could we, really? Probably not in most cases. We act on what we know and what we think, you weren't to know and this was not your fault in any way.
Take Care xxxx
it's a lot like a contract, certain situations make it null and void.
hindsight is always 20/20...if only, what if, if i had just, if, if, if.....who know, IF you had fought he may well have killed you, hit you round the head leading to all sorts of who knows what....
if's don't bear thinking about. *hugs* mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
Kim, stopping fighting someone who you think might kill you if you keep fighting is survival, not consent. You did what you had to do to get through it as best you could. Sometimes it's safer not to fight an attacker as it will just make them more violent, and more likely to hurt you worse. It was the right thing to do, and it doesn't even resemble consent. You told him you wanted to leave, you fought to get away, and he forced you to stay anyway. That's not consentual sex. You didn't ask him to rape you, you asked him to let you leave. It's not your fault.
You had EVERY right to go to the police afterwards. He locked you up against your will, he threatened to kill you, and he raped you. Police investigations aren't perfect, and just because the police f***ed up and got it wrong doesn't mean you were wrong to go to them, or that he didn't rape you.
You say it didn't effect you much, but then here you are saying all these horrible things about yourself and that you're falling appart and everything. I'd say it pretty clearly did effect you. It's effected you because he raped you. He held you against your will and raped you, and that's not your fault.
You couldn't possibly have known what would happen. Even if you did that still wouldn't give him the right to rape you, but there's no way you could have known. Of course now, knowing what happened, you can replay the events leading up to it and everything seems like a warning sign you should have noticed, but it only seems that way because of what happened later. Before it happened there's no way you could have known.
Kim, you are a wonderful, amazing, and utterly fabulous person. You deserve to be loved and cared for, and to be safe. You didn't deserve to be raped or abused, you don't deserve to die, and you don't deserve for anything bad to happen to you ever.
Emily
(\__/)
(O.o )
(> < ) This Is Bunny. Copy Bunny into your signature to help him on his way to world domination.
The police can get things wrong, and it sounds like they did in this case. rape is rape, it doesn't matter if you laid back and let it happen because you thought the guy was going to kill you. That is still rape - and it's probably more sensible to do that than fight back if you thought he was going to do that. If you had fought back and he'd killed you because of it???? Shudder - not worth thinking about.
No-one deserves it, Love, not you, not anyone. As the others have said it's obviously affected you, and if it was consensual it would not still be affecting you in such a way some years later.
He had no right at all to do what he did, none whatsoever. He stole from you, and that is against the law, and morally wrong too.
i think the only thing you can do at the moment is try and forget about the police report - that was completely wrong. I don't know when this happened but changes in rape charges have happened recently where the accused now has to prove they did not rape, rather than the victim having to prove that they were raped.
I don't know really what else to say - just that I hope you take care and have a decent holiday.
Love Loz x
You don't have to be a monkey to recognize a banana!
Kim I can't read much of this thread because I'm in a bad place right now, but I want you to know that I know what thinking like you were in the first place is like, and that I understand, and that most of all, I care.
Oh Kim *big hugs*
TOTALLY not your fault. It was SO totally rape. It's not uncommon to 'just give up', especially when you feel you're in danger.
Please don't let anyone tell you different.
And please take care of yourself.
xxxxx
Alyssa
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Kim i totally understand what you are feeling because i feel the same, the only difference is my abuser didn't lock me in, he forced me once, but i still kept going back to him, i saw him once a week for 2 years, out of choice, no-one ever forced me to go to him. What happened to you completely was not your fault, but i wish i could say the same about what happened to me.
I'm thinking of you.
