I don't think there's going to be anything triggering but if there is something that I don't realize please feel free to tell me and I'll add a label...
It's long... and probably a waste of a thread... I'm sorry.
All through high school I maintained just a few friends and one that knew me better than the others... she and I were inseparable. If we weren't physically together we were online with each other or on the phone, etcetc... Well high school was 96-00. She moved from California to Alaska for college and I went into the military. After I left the military my (now ex)husband was still enlisted. When he changed stations we moved to Alaska. She had moved to Anchorage from Sitka and left college after she was victim of a SA. After he left the military we moved from Fairbanks to Anchorage. We were again inseparable. We lived together for the majority of the first 2 years I was in Anchorage, we went out together, had mostly the same friends, etc etc. Well after a while she started seeing a guy we were friends with and moved in with him. After another while I was working on a divorce and seeing someone else we knew. I started having troubles as my ex was not helping with the children (financially or otherwise) and ended up getting evicted. I had asked her for help... At this point we'd known each other and been best friends for 10 yrs. She told me that even though she had a spare room we couldn't stay there. This didn't really upset me until I found out from her fiance that the reason she told me (his friends visiting and staying there) was a lie. I got upset when I found that out and we fought about it. I ended up with my family staying with another friend and let it go. We got our own apartment a month later and started getting our stuff back from my now husband's aunt who had stored it in their storage. I still had several boxes of her things and told her I didn;t have room in my smaller apartment for her things and please come get them. A couple weeks later I told her I really needed to room so I didn;t get evicted for having so much stuff in my apartment and gave her 2 weeks to come get it before I donated it to charity. She told me that if I felt like that about our friendship just throw it all in the trash. (this was in mid 06) We didn't speak again for a long while. After a month I went through her things and pulled out the things I knew were important to her and reboxed them and donated the rest to charity. Last summer I gave up on a mutual friend taking the items to her and took them with a note to her apartment (expecting her to be at uni and her fiance to be home) and she opened the door. So we chatted for a bit (5-10 min) and she said she'd been thinking about me and the kids a bit the last few weeks and she was glad to see the stuff, what she was up to and what I was up to. I got home and she had friend requested me on FB. I accepted and we've commented each other a couple times over the last year but that's it.
She's not only gone back to college but finished a degree. Not in her long time preferred field (marine biology) but in the field I introduced her to (forensics) and got a job with the DOD and is going to grad school near her new job and moving to VA.
I skipped her grad ceremony and party here because the people that were invited I mostly don't talk to anymore after the insults I got after my fight with her. I didn't want to feel like crap being there or ruin her day by fighting with the other people so I just didn't go.
She's my oldest child's god mother and she hasn't seen her in almost 5 years (she turns 8 this week).
We hardly talk and yet I feel like I'm losing something. We've known each other for 15 years now.
I dunno I guess I feel like a loser for introducing her to the field and her getting a degree while I haven't even managed to get half way through a certificate program in correspondence school. So jealousy to I guess... I have a lowly file clerk job with the state and can barely make bills while she;s now with the DOD and is getting a condo near work and going to grad school too. Guilt for skipping one of her big days. Loss of what we used to have even if that was a long time ago now.
I just found out she was moving to a condo and got the job for DOD last week or the week before and didn't realize how far she was moving or the school portion till last night...
... Just all at once and I'm overwhelmed and just want to sit here and cry but no one would understand and I'm at work so just *screams*...
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
K so I ran into a friend of mine on the way back to work from errands during lunch... He's getting laid off on the 11th. One of his bosses is trying to make sure he gets enough hours in the next 2 weeks checks to cover his August rent but can't guarantee it. His wife doesn't work because his hours are never steady and they can't afford childcare so she stays home with their toddler. *so worried about them* I have no idea what they're going to do. They can't move back in with his grandmother again... I don't think they have anywhere to go.
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
Oh Crimson, love, you have so much on your plate right now!! I would feel awful about that were she my friend as well - I don't blame you for being jealous etc. It doesn't seem like life is fair sometimes, and it isn't... but that doesn't mean that it's "wrong" to be jealous. I don't know, am I making any sense? To me, it's wrong to envy, but sometimes we just can't help our feelings. As long as we don't act on them then I wouldn't worry about it... however, this post wasn't about the right vs. wrong. I'm not exactly sure what you're asking for but I certainly can validate your feelings and say that I would feel the same. *cuddles*
Sorry if I've made any gaffs in this post, certainly didn't mean to, mind's all in a muddle at the moment. *extra cuddles to make up for the muddled'ness*
RYL family: Doikers is my brother
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another! - Anatole France.
Crimson, I can understand where all your feelings are coming from about your friend. I am jealous of a lot of my friends for one reason or another.. and its especially hard when there is a lot of history there.
Sorry that I don't have much advice, but I wanted you to know that you are heard. *hugs*
<3
forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past - buddy wakefield
April~
I don't rightly know either... Though when I started the thread I didn't know how I felt either. Towards the end I just started picking things apart... Though I still don't think I have a "right" to feel a loss of her. It's all very confusing right now. Some of how I feel does and doesn't feel like I feel that way at the same time if that makes any sense And I'm getting a headache and the name Kimmy is stuck in my head for whatever Earthly reason I don't know and I just wish it was late Friday so I can have 3 days off of work and not have to get out of bed till Sunday if I don't want to (Sunday is Gen's b day).... Sorry got a bit whiny there...
Laura~
Thanks, hun.
*cuddles you both*
Last edited by PoisonedApple : 01-07-2010 at 12:22 AM.
Reason: Laura snuck in while I was typing
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
Crimson - so much history and so much else going on in your life, it is fine to have a mixture of feelings and emotions and feel overwhelmed. I have no advice for you I'm afraid, but can say that I too have been in similar situations with freinds. They are no longer my friends now, but I still dream about them, still miss them, can't shake off feelings of guilt and times of happiness from the past. It's like the friendship haunts me even though it ended years ago. But the friendship had to end. We were different people by the end. I guess what I'm trying to say through this waffle is that please try and make a clean break and accept what has happened so that you don't have your feelings haunt you for years. I only wish I could tell you how to do that though, but I haven't figured that part out.
Hmm, I hope this makes sense, I have a feeling I may have missed the point and gone off on a tangent! Thinking of you though. *huggles!*
"All battles in life serve to teach us something, even the battles we lose"
"There are moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control"
Hayley~
After thinking on it some more I think part of why I feel the loss I do is that I don't have many friends IRL. of the people that are still in the same area I am, I'll be down to one. And even with that one I rarely see him anymore as we both have spouses and kids and different schedules. I have a handful of other 'friends' by default. Those though are D's friends that hang out with me only if D and I go to see them together or if they come to our house. I try to be social when we're around them but these are people D's known all his life and I just get left out most of the time. Many a time I feel too crap to go try to make new friends and I get so anxious when I'm out being 'social' that it just feels like, "why bother?", ya know?
But I do know what K and I have going right now is an acquaintance not a friendship and even if we were around each other all the time for years more it would probably stay that way because I was really hurt last time. The way our 'friendship' is now I talk more to my friend in Colorado and my mum in Florida than I do to K when we're in the same town so nothing will be different but an inability to take the bus to her place.
And now I'm the one waffling on... I guess I'm trying to say that it seems like it will be a clean break in this friendship. I don't have the guilt of her things or our fight anymore it's merely history...
Quote:
Hmm, I hope this makes sense, I have a feeling I may have missed the point and gone off on a tangent! Thinking of you though. *huggles!*
Makes lots of sense and when it started to when it ended the point changed somewhere so now this is more like therapy for me... Lots of talking and lots of thinking. (Surprising regular therapy doesn't help me as I shut down but this kind seems to work just fine lol)
*huggles lots*
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
K's having a going away party at a park at the end of the month. I dunno if I should go or not. I know C's gonna be there and I know C and I haven't been friends since K and I fought. I tried to say something nice about what he posted on lj for his wife while he was out of state and he answered that with "what do you want?to borrow money?" [to be clear on that I only ever tried to borrow money from any of my 'friends' to keep from being evicted and to keep my children off the street... and only one person even tried to help. I tried to repay M and he told me to keep the money and if he had needed it that he wouldn't have given it to me in the first place. it was cool of him to do. it was only 50$ but he had tried and he wouldn't take his money back even when i could spare it. a true example of a good friend.] and then he promptly deleted his reply so i couldn't answer it and no one would know he had said it. but he knew i knew because i got an email of his reply. i haven't spoken to him since. he and k are still quite close. how can I go see K off (and visit with A and maybe M) without C being a problem? *shakes head* I just wish for once life was easy.
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
It sounds pretty insane to deal with all that at once. Have faith it'll all work out eventually <3
Definitely know the feeling of being jealous of your friends. You're not alone in the slightest on that :)
If someone ever says to you "You need to stop thinking so much," call them ignorant in your head and keep thinking deeper. It is this mentality that breeds stupidity and sheeple. Your mind is the most important tool you have. If you stop using it, it will atrophy.
Well her party came and went... It was at a park I couldn't get to as I have no car... I sent her a message on FB and asked her to come see me and the kids before she flies out. She didn't message back. She didn't say goodbye to me or the kids in person, by phone or by internet. She and her cat are now happily in DC settling into their new condo and getting ready for grad school and working for the DOD... As much as some of that makes me jealous I'm glad I'm not her in the end... after I thought about it a bit, I have a family and all she has is her cat and even that relationship will end soon. Belladonna (the cat) is about 12 years old... and when her cat passes she'll have no one there to mourn with her or comfort her.
I was lei'd in vets! ***** Proud Plumeria Sister!
"He said look inside your heart/ And you'll see stars/ Falling stars/ Look, deep into my eyes/ Don't look down/ Or you'll fall, he said/ Here, the sky goes on forever"
