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Triggering (SI) - relapsed *slightly adult i think*
I cut last nite. Not very much and not very deep but I still did it. Id never gone as long as I had this time,a and I did it, I really thought I was past it. I no I dont get the same satisfaction as I used to but I just hated myself so much at the time, (had been drinkin a bit).
I went out with my friends and as I said in another post Id started screwing myself emotionally for some reason, totally concious of it.
My "friend" asked me to go home with him,(one of my previously mentioned friends from my last post so had gone to his before) had to work at 6 this morning but I thought I could get away with it, I dont trust my judgement when im drinkin so i asked my friends, they said no and told me to go to bed, one looked at me said, pet go home you're wrecked, you wont respect yourself tomoro and you'll feel worse.
I felt so glad someone knew me well enough to tell me that, but I couldnt think it myself. Im so protective of my friends but not of me, because ive realised I dont care how people treat me, Ive no idea why, think im just sick of caring. I let my "friend" treat me like crap half the time and for wat?
thats why i relapsed, I couldnt emotionally hurt myself so id to do it physicaly.
why cant I make myself care? Ive done this to myself no one makes me do anything. I let people use me because I think it makes me feel real, otherwise Im just some girl they know.
this is one long rant so thanks if you've read this far. I just donr get why I do this to myself when id stop my friends before it gets this far.
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