This was brought to my attention over the weekend; I backed off in a disagreement with one of my partner's friends, because I realized he was right. In response, he offered me the backhanded reassurance that I "apologize too much." I've heard that before, from others. It doesn't bother me--this isn't about me, really--but it does make me wonder.
To me, saying "I'm sorry" or "I apologize" is a way of saying that I regret doing something, or an acknowledgment that I'm in the wrong. But to me, it's also a tacit promise to try not to make the same mistake again. It's never a throwaway statement. So I wonder how there can be "too much."
And I wonder what apologizing means to the rest of you. Do you think it's always meaningful, or is it just a part of social interaction? Is even a sincere, honorable apology useful, if it can be brushed off so easily? Just curious to see what others will say, really. :)
Because of my OCD, I can't lie, so when I apologize, I have to mean it, it has to be sincere, & it actually causes a lot of distress tbh, I have to be in a certain mindset & certain way of apologizing & I have to understand EVERYTHING before I can apologize etc, then it is sure to be meaningful & it's "just right." blah blah I'll stop going on but anyway...
I've been told I apologize too much before though, or for "stupid things that I shouldn't apologize for", I don't know though, ha.
I think apologies should be sincere & meaningful. What's the point otherwise?
I think there is such a thing as apologizing too much, maybe you apologize so much & maybe it's even for things you don't need to apologize for, so your friends think you apologize too much?
I apologise a lot, even when things arent my fault or its nothing to be sorry about. But to me its heartfelt and I feel the need to apologise. BFs standard answer to me saying 'im sorry' is 'dont worry' because I do worry a lot if I dont apologise, it makes me feel bad!
There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you.
But there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself.
I aint no abacus but you can count on me.
Haha, aside from it being one of those strange British things, I think do it because I always feel like I've done something that I should apologise for.
I find it hard to gauge if something I've done has bothered someone else, so I'll apologise just to be safe and try to keep the peace as long as I can.
"Tutto è bello..." - "Everything is beautiful..."
Nicola to Matteo, La meglio gioventù
I apologise too much sometimes, to my best friends mostly.
But one of them is so bad for it, that sometimes when she does genuinely seem to mean it and it's needed (if that makes sense), I don't always believe it, because I've heard it so many times before over stupid things that didn't need an apology in the first place.
I try to mean my apologies, especially when it's not over stupid stuff :)
Well I do taekwondo and quickly had to get over saying "sorry" everytime I kick someone! Beginners still do it now and I tell them don't be sorry you are meant to be kicking me!
Often with a minor disagreement people just view it as water under the bridge and forget about it, so they don't expect a specific apology. Often I apologise for stupid things like "I'm sorry for texting you"; "sorry to ask but..." etc. Or placing too much weight on the argument like "I'm sorry for ruining your weekend" when the argument is only a few minutes out of the whole weekend and the rest of it hasn't been ruined.
Last edited by makedamnsure : 29-06-2010 at 02:00 PM.
Reason: added last sentence
It depends. Like if I said something that I truly regret I'll say "I'm sorry" over and over again and it drives my friends crazy but it's because it's driving me crazy on the inside. If it's something like that I said or did but I don't really regret, I'll say "I'm sorry" but I really don't mean it. So it kind of depends on what the situation is as to if I'm genuinely sorry or not.
Let's put a smile on that face
We are not alone
Find out when your cover's blown
There'll be somebody there to break your fall
We are not alone
'Cause when you cut down to the bone
We're really not so different after all
To apologise when you've genuinely done something wrong is admirable. But to do it all the time is just soul destroying.
Don't be fooled by my smooth skin. The deepest scars are the ones unseen.
Remember compliments you received, forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how..~ Baz Lurhman.
Letting it get to you - You know what that's called? Being alive. Best thing there is. Being alive right now that's all that counts. ~ Doctor Who "The Doctors Wife" 06.November.2011
I apologise far too much. I'll apologise for apologising. But I do it because I'd rather people knew I'm trying to be nice and trying to show that I really do regret something, than have them think that I don't care. I'd rather I was known for apologising too much than be known as someone who's rude.
Forget your perfect offering
There's a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in
Leonard Cohen
Well, for someone who was brought up to 'learn' that everything she did is wrong... and for someone who had to pretty much apologise for making a sound or taking up any space... and whose apologies weren't acccepted... apology has come rather distorted for me. I have to cleanse it through the resentment and bitterness I'm slowly filtering through. I swing at the moment between apologising too much, and not apologising at all. I'll find balance.
Like if I said something that I truly regret I'll say "I'm sorry" over and over again and it drives my friends crazy but it's because it's driving me crazy on the inside.
I'm bad at this, too. I think part of that, at least for me, is perfectionism, or lack of confidence. There's that feeling that once a mistake has been made, it can't be undone. And I tend to lose track of the scope of a mistake, as well; I'm quick to forgive someone else, or let things slide, but I can't give myself the same courtesy. Whenever someone calls me on something, my reaction is always guilt. I can't seem to help it.
Some quite interesting answers! I find it very, very difficult to say sorry when I truly mean it, and I have no idea why! Like, I'll do something that i really regret, but I struggle to say sorry out loud. I can text it or type it, but out loud I'd rather defend my argument, even if I know it's wrong, because I struggle saying sorry so much.
A lot of people have talked about accepting apologies when they're true and sincere. I had an argument recently with my friend about her being stuck up. She told me she wasn't even going to try to change it. After a while she said sorry and I think she meant it, but I laid into her because I knew that saying sorry wasn't going to change anything.
I apologise all the time... people tell me that I do. One of my teachers observed this once and he said that I do it as a defence mechanism. If I say sorry, then people might expect the worst or be more inclined to forgive me (subconsciously), if that makes sense. He said that I said it when I was opening up about something I didn't want to and used it to fill in the gaps I couldn't answer because it was too difficult.
But apart from that, I do say it all the time. I'll write it to people and speak it. I think it's become an ingrained habit and something along the lines of 'if you say something for long enough then you start to believe it' and that's what I've done with apologising.
I agree that it should really only be said when you mean it, but I actually do mean it when I say it, so it's not like I'm being insincere when I apologise, more the complete opposite.
Well I do taekwondo and quickly had to get over saying "sorry" everytime I kick someone! Beginners still do it now and I tell them don't be sorry you are meant to be kicking me!
Haha, I've done kickboxing for 2 years now and I still do this when I'm sparring!
I guess sometimes apologising too much is a low self-esteem thing. It depends on circumstances for me - people are always telling me to stop apologising for bothering them, but I do it because I feel so guilty if I talk to people sometimes and I feel like I'm wasting their time. If I've hurt someone's feelings accidentally or made a silly mistake or something I apologise because obviously I'm sorry. But in an argument (with my family, I've never argued with my friends heh) I find it very difficult to back down and say sorry unless I know I was wrong. If that makes sense.
I do not say sorry unless I mean it. I don't like apologising for things that I don't particulary feel sorry for. It can feel like a betrayal. Most of the things I do are for a reason. It would seem almost dishonest to say sorry for something that I felt didn't need an apology. I guess that if you apologise frequently then it begins to lose its meaning.
i say it a lot. its something i cant help...its kind of like manners to me? its mostly to people in the street - and i will say it regardless of if its my fault. someone could walk into me and i was say sorry to them. its always friendly, i say it while smiling and in a cheerful tone. but it sometimes backfires. there has been occasions when i have been left stewing when i have had people respond with 'its ok', 'be more careful', if they remain silent or if they throw me a dirty look. it makes me want to say hey, you walked into me!!! but its not like i can, considering i have already apologised.
its a pain in the butt, and i dont know why i do it, i just do. and it annoys me that i see my 2 year old doing it now. sometimes she says sorry to people in the street when there is no need, or to me, and i always say there is nothing for you to be sorry about.
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