Triggering (SI) - Lonely and scarred

[sweetnessandlight]

It's my birthday tomorrow, one of my least favourite days of the year because two years ago I spent my birthday in the hospice with my dying father who didn't even wake up that day and died 3 days later. My birthday just brings back all the bad memories of me holding his hand as his life drained away. He was my father as well as my best friend, we were so close and now he's gone. It's left a huge hole, and sometimes I just feel empty. To make matters worse I broke up with my girlfriend last week because of her drunken verbally abusive behaviour. She is the only one who really understood how hard this week was going to be for me. I want to SI so bad, I just want to stop the terror that's taking over me right now. I just want all the pain to disappear because it hurts and scares me more and more with every breath I take

[Margo]

Happy birthday. xxx

This may sound hard to take in but you DO have a choice in how you see this. you CAN change this!

Althought the situations are entirely different, i too have sat holding the hand of someone as they died:

My nan was like a second mum to me. She had alzheimers. My mother and i watched her die. I heard the death rattle. I saw the face of someone i didnt recognize. I can picture that pointy face now. Drained and grey. Not like in the movies when people are full of cheek and fleshy.

I could chose to remember that but i chose not to. That wasnt my nan. that was a body leaving this earth. My nan wasnt the person dying in that bed. My nan was the tiny funny old lady who made coffee cake. Who shared half of her bounty bar with me. Who let me lick out the bowl form making little cakes. Who shared her dinner and gave me pocket money. My nan was anything but the person i watched die.

I choose to remember her for who she was and NOt what she became.

You can do the same with your dad. You can chose the happy times. The close times. The special times. Your father would want that. Im sure you would like that too.

Make a cup of tea and find a photo of a time together that made you laugh. Or if you dont have one then picture him and think of a happy time. See it over and over. Its ok to laugh and its ok to cry and mourne.

Do something nice today for you and your dad. Remember a good time.

Things will change.

x

[makedamnsure]

Birthdays are always sad times when you are missing somebody.

Try and think of all the good memories you had with your dad instead of the bad ones. And be grateful that there are plenty of good memories (which there must be if he was your best friend)