I am aware this might be long but I am hurting so much tonight, I just need someone to hear me.
I did some thinking and I realised that tonight I am struggling with feeling like a failure, and general self loathing, and I think it is stemming from the fact I had a psychologist session today and "i am in counselling". And this therefore makes me somehow flawed; it all comes back to this core belief I identified years ago. "i am somehow fatally flawed".
So I looked over the notes, a little to-do list, from the psychologist just now and I started to feel very unhappy. Like it's such basic stuff but she not only needs to tell me to do it but needs to write it down for me too in case I forget. I feel so broken & I feel so flawed.
And it's hard because I accept psychologists/counselling for other people; I don't think they are flawed or broken at all. The overall profession of psychology makes sense to me and I don't think it indicates personal flaws; for anyone else. But for myself the idea I have been to a psychologist today is, right now, tearing me up. It's the reason after a session I can't get her face out of my head, her words out of my ears. Potentially the reason I wanted to finish seeing her.
I don't quite know how to overcome this. How to accept myself as this.
Whatever this is.
On the surface I am sure doing okay. I can even smile and be polite and give good customer service, get assignments done. I can be a nice person and help others too. So why can't I deal with this fact which is really compeltely insignificant (not even worth such a long post!).
I suppose I am being a perfectionist.
I'm not flawed; I just need help, I have an illness. Ugh, no. That sounds so fake, so crutchy- fall back onto the "i have an illness" crutch. I should just man up, surely?t I wouldn't bitch at myself for seeing a doctor about my iron levels, why am I torturing myself over this. Why? Because I hate it, I should know better I should be able to deal with this, I should be better. Should should should!
And the hate rises in my throat like bile and this is all too much for one night.
Aimee - you do have an illness. And admitting that isn't a crutch or an excuse, it's simply a fact. And people need help when they are ill. "Should" is always a very dangerous word, psychologically-wise. We deal the best way we can. The "shoulds" can drive us crazy and dig us deeper into self-loathing and feeling like a failure.
"Knowing better" does not change the fact that you are ill - and it does not make you weak or stupid to be ill while you logically know that your behaviors, etc aren't healthy. You are not "this", you are a lovely person who happens to have a mental illness.
I'm sorry if that's not helpful. At the very least, know that I hear you.
That was very lovely to read, actually, thank you. Lovely being the part where you said I was a lovely person; thank you!
It means a lot to me that you have replied to this, so thank you. It was a very helpful reply; in times like these I guess I just need the facts spelled out to me clearly. I didn't realise I had such an idea in my head that I'm "not ill" when I clearly.. well... but then I suppose I've always know part of me was very much struggling with the idea of being unwell; I dislike extensions and I rarely call myself ill. Mm food for thought.
*wraps arms around Aimee and cuddles* you, my darling, are an amazing person. You are in no way flawed in the 'fatally' way. Any imperfections are the things that make you unique and they make you you. That very person I see as amazing.
It can be incredibly hard to face those moments when we grow to hate ourselves for needing the Drs, Psychs and any other form of help. There is a cultural perception that that somehow means something is wrong. In reality though, all it means is that you need help and that in itself, is one of the most human parts of us. Yes, it is an illness and one which makes us sometimes act in the complete opposite of logic and knowledge or experience - but that action does not in anyway make the composite parts of you flawed - it is simply the illness playing out. In much the same way as sneezing is a cold playing out.
You are, as I know you - Amazingly strong and have come a long way during your time on RYL. There is nothing wrong with feeling moments of doubt or fragility amongst that. If anything, it is natural to find ourselves examinining and criticising elements of ourselves more than we would anyone else. We spend more time with ourselves and are less able to step away from the emotions 'of the moment' to view the bigger picture.
I know that my words will not change much, as I think a part of you already knows this. I just think that sometimes, we all need reminding.
*hugs*
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
accepting mental illness is the hardest thing to do. i know what you mean about being able to accept the need for help for others but not yourself. (It took a long time for me to get any and there our days like today when i think there our plenty of people who deseve it more than me)
something a friend who is recovering said to me the other day comes to mind 'mental illness is hard because noone can see so even the person who is ill doubts it a times. If you had a broken leg you would accept it and people would help you because it obvious. mental illness are harder to accept than psychical ones but they are still there.
bit of mess that but thought i'd just say your not alone x
I found it very hard to accept that I was ill. Mostly because my main problem was pretty severe hypochondria anxiety, so I constantly believed that I was physically ill rather than mentally ill. You shouldn't feel like you've failed for having therapy. I think you should feel proud that you did something about your problem and are trying to get it sorted, because so many people don't get help and end up worse for it. It's such an achievement to accept that you're in need of help.
I'm a perfectionist too. A major one! So completely understand :)
Aimee, I do not know you personally, but I certainly know the person you ARE.
A wonderful (and beautiful) person who happens to has a mental illness.
BUT, despite your struggles and (very real) pain, you are always there; to support the new person who feels out of place, posting the first time; us 'oldies' who are struggling...over and over.
I, personally, am glad you are in therapy(as odd as that may sound), you deserve someone to help you see the wonderful, caring person you are.
I yearn to see the day when you break free from all this ****, Aimee...I will be one in many, cheering you :)
xx
I want to say a heart felt "thank you" to all of you who have replied. I know it wasn't an easy thread to even read let alone reply to, and so I appreciate your support and reassurance greatly... thank you.
Romp your reply actually had me excited a bit about getting well again!
My mind is very up and down; sometimes I'm able to not dwell on this and others it tells me I should stop all my therapy. I know that if I do this I will be back in hospital again within months, or messing up my degree, and I can't afford that again.
In light of this, I'm also having difficulties taking my medication. Which is bad, because it's bad for me to not take it (obviously) as it did seem to help. So I am working hard to try and take it but have skipped it for some time now.
TAKE YOUR MEDS.
hi.
i love you.
i think you're beautiful & wonderful.
i'm not really sure how to word this, but you will get through this, and you deserve wellness so much, honestly.
loving you.
xxxx
I feel a lot like you do. I'm a severe perfectionist, and resisted seeing a therapist until I was at a major crisis point. I don't like to ask for help because it makes me feel weak.
However, asking for help, for any medical condition, is not weakness. It's the strength to get better. Being "in counselling" you've taken a step towards strength.
It's not easy to do the right thing. The easy option is to continue as you were... you're not weak at all. You're not fatally flawed. You're a beautiful and strong person.
I don't want to take my medication & I don't want to be on anti depressants and I keep going to take the pills but I just "can't" get the pill into my mouth. I don't know what to do with myself because I don't want to face another serious depression but the thoughts are coming back, about how I don't want to do this, and they lead to bad places.
And I know it's stupid and I don't want to hear any harsh love about how I need to take medication, because I know that. I'm so scared and vulnerable and confused about all this.
I know what I have to do but it's not what I want and there's a giant barrier in front of me even when I try.
You sound like you're panicking a bit - try and take deep breaths and relax if you can.
You can get through this, and you will be ok. Taking the tablets doesn't mean you're a failure, it doesn't make you 'flawed' or anything like that. You're still the same caring, kind, friendly person.
Have you spoken to your psychologist or doctor about how scared you are of your medication at the moment?
Keep trying to take it if you can, but try to also give yourself a treat - a nice bath or a walk, a good film or book, something you enjoy doing, anything like that, because you sound like you've got a lot of pressure on you at the moment.
What you said isn't stupid at all. I have a deal going with my psychologist that I will stay on my medication for 2 months until my parents get back from their holiday then we will talk about me coming off it. Can you do that with the person who gave you it? Say you will stay on it until Christmas or something like that? It's not that easy to take medication because at the same we have to force ourselves to take it to get better, even when we don't really want to take it, thinking we can get better on our own. I hope that makes sense? Sorry if this doesn't help.
