Triggering (SI/ED) - Feeling Lame

~*Alyssa*~ · 21-06-2010, 04:39 AM

Hey guys. I used to be on these boards about two years ago. Since then my world has changed a lot. I imagine the people running around on here have changed. A lot of old faces (names?) are probably gone replaced by new people seeking refuge. Old or new, I say "Hello!" to all of you.

I came back to RYL today because I'm really just feeling like crap. I haven't SI'd in about 18 months. Yesterday I did. Harley told me when I was like 16 that slipping up is part of the process and that it was ok. I carry that around with me every time I start feeling lame and hopeless. However, it still bugs me that 18 months without it, I caved. I wish I could've come up with something constructive to do with all of that pain. I don't even know why I let myself become so overwhelmed. I know a lot of it was me letting my ego get in the way. It was just a lot of internal whining about how I'm just not good enough. I guess I'm just not the type of person yet who can shut all that out and channel it. Well, at least I can't be that person all the time. I know, I know. "Even the best fall down sometimes..." "Even heroes have the right to bleed..." blah blah blah. It still sucks no matter what adage you attach to it.

In the ED spectrum of why this is labeled triggering, I feel like a failure. I keep giving in to the EDNOS and then getting away from it. It's like go away, no wait, come back! Any time I get anxious and stressed, I stop eating again. I don't like who I become when I cave like that.

I've been clean and sober for two years. Why can't I shake the rest of this self destructive junk? My question to you guys is, what do you do when the urge strikes again? What do you do to push it all down? How do you get rid of the anxiety and emotions that make you want to SI or give in to whatever stupid thing is running through your head?

Biggest question though: How can I come back from such a monumental lapse in judgment? Anyone have any ideas how I can get back on good terms with myself after giving in to SI again?

Merc · 22-06-2010, 06:09 AM

The best thing? Is to realiuze it is a 'sliup
'..as dumb as that sounds.
Its a mistake, a mistake made familar by use.
I think you ned to learn (be taught) new ways of coping, no mastter how long free.
As to the ED bits...im fslling to it too...because i have not dealt with it.
Ubntil then i will always resort ot it, i think.
Are you the same?
I do know how horrible it feels to give in after 'time free'.
It sucks.
But, you CAN move on from this, you really can.
Do you have help?
If not, would you seek help?
As hard as it is, sometime we need someone (prof.) to help make sense of ourselves, as we atre so hard on us, always feeling we dioesreve the worst.
Pls keep posting, pls seek help.
PM anytime
xxx

NowTheLantern · 22-06-2010, 09:48 AM

First of all what you need to do is make an appointment with your doc if you haven't already. They'll help you to get back on track.

Then you need to find yourself a good distraction or hobby. Something that you love to do, and something you can do even in the worst circumstances. Something that requires constant use of your hands and brain, like crocheting or putting together model airplanes or playing video games that require more than mashing buttons.

Then when you start to feel down, you can absorb yourself in this hobby until you have finished a scarf, completed your F-15 or bagged more monsters than ever before. When you've finished something you can be proud of, it makes life seem a little shinier than it was before.

Turn this hobby into your new blade, one that's used on the megrims rather than on yourself.

Good luck to you. Yes, it sucks to slip, and I'm sorry you did, but at least you are looking for a way to quit for good. That is the biggest part of the battle right there.