I have my 6 monthly reasonable adjustments review at work on Tuesday. I've been stirred up about this for weeks. But now it's closer I'm falling into apathy and 'what's the point?' I'm getting better. But how much better? How do they see me?
My flatmates will be away for 3 weeks from Thursday. Although this might well ease some of the hyper-vigilance of hearing half conversations that might or might not be related to me... I will be alone. And lonely.
I've got to a really delicate and powerful and therapeutic place in my therapy, deepening connections and understandings. I am feeling relieved and excited about this. But of course it's all linked in with the consequences of protracted abuse and trauma from a young age, and it's sequelae in my adult life. And it's so, well, damn sad. Defences protect from sadness.. and now I'm untangling and looking with clear, compassionate, adult eyes at the defences I've developed. God, it's just, well, sad.
Can I have some support around these issues, please?
I don't really know what to say but I'm gonna try and say something of use, because I wanted you to know I read this and I hear you.
I don't really understand the work thing. But in answer to your questions you put at the end of that bit, try not to run before you can walk, sorta thing. I hope that doesn't sound bad, its great you are getting better, I'm proud of all the work you are putting in to do so. However try not to hurry your recovery for the sake of how people "see you". I personally if I worked alongside you would see you ad strong, and a fighter. Try and keep your chin up, you CAN do the meeting and then it'll be over for another 6 months :) easy to say I know.
With your flatmate away can you maybe write a list of things you could do with your time so you aren't sitting around, maybe distract from being lonely. I don't know what hours you work, but maybe one day go to a nice park, another go for a coffee somewhere, another buy yourself a book/dvd/cd. Even things like have a bath, or rearrange your room, or do food shopping. Small tasks which fill your days up maybe.
It is sad what you are working on in therapy, however once you have worked on it, its one more hurdle you have climbed. Give yourself time and allow yourself to be sad. If you bury that sadness more issues will occur. Do what is best for you to outlet that sadness. And grieve for the things you have lost/relisations you have had. Maybe do something visual like a poem/painting or something of how it feels. Just an idea.
Anyways I hope you are ok, stay strong. x
"If only everyone could know and live with their inner craziness…people would be fairer and happier." Paulo Coelho
I can't really say much more than *happydays* suggested.
You ARE getting better. You know that. Try not to worry too much about how much of that is visible to other people. After all the most important thing is the changes within yourself and these others might not see.
I can imagine it will feel quite isolating being in the flat on your own. Which part of the day do you think the loneliness will hurt the most?
Try and plan things to do for those times.
I understand the feelings of sadness. And how overwhelming they can be. I used to feel "world sadness" sometimes. Where I would be sad something as specific as the tree that was cut down to make my desk, or as general as poverty. I know how it feels to be sad about the past, especially when you start to think how things could have been. It becomes hard when you stop blaming your parents because you start to feel sad for them too and so the sadness reaches back for generations.
Don't bury those feelings. They are valid and important. But do continue to work through them, in your journal, in poetry. However you wish to express it.
I think you have such objectivity about yourself and so much insight that you begin to analyze in terms of how you appear to others.
I know you're working so hard at therapy, and you're right - it is sad, but you are gaining so much strength by letting yourself make connections and feel the emotions you are experiencing.
I get the feeling that vulnerability is a very real and frightening thing for you, not just in your personal life and therapy, but also at work. I really think that you should give yourself more credit, I know a lot of people have the tendency to be their harshest critic. I can tell your work means a lot to you - if it didn't, I don't think you would worry about it as much as you do, so your committment shows.
As you say, you're getting better, and that in itself is a big achievement. Chances are they can probably see improvement if that makes sense.
Okay, well...that was a ramble and I hope I didn't overstep any boundaries. I'm here and I'm listening.
Hopefully posting and reaching out here can help ease the loneliness a bit.
The review meeting went pretty well. Only thing was that they made no response other than listen when I wondered over whether they saw me as still more unwell than I thought I now was. So I don't really know where I stand on that. I might have to ask one of my managers separately. I guess they can't really comment as they're not qualified, but I still think it's reasonable to know what they think.
But the positives are all agreed and acknowledged, which is awesome. :)
My flatmates' son had a discussion with me a bit earlier about how I'd be very sad when he/they wasn't/weren't there. He initiated this conversation. I said how I would miss him, and I would feel sad, but that, yes, I would think about him and what he was doing. I suggested he draw pictures of what he did, then he could show me when he gets home.
The most lonely part is, historically, when I get home from work.
I'll get some strategies going. And I do need to do a proper tidy/sort out of my room!
Megan, you've not overstepped any boundaries, thank you for your understanding reply.
I've not really felt a lot today, or aware of feeling - everything's been eclipsed by watching the Budget - as everyone at work was... and also having the meeting this morning. Feelings will come in, I know that. Probably when I go to bed, or first thing in the morning... I need to allow for how I'm feeling, and, yes, to accept that, that it's ok...
Its nice that your flatmates son likes you enough to worry whether you will miss him. That shows he cares about you a lot which must be flattering.
If he is drawing pictures for you while he is away can't you draw pictures for him of what you do. Go to an art gallery after work and keep the ticket/brochure to show him, stuff like that. It might help keep you busy.
And I'm glad the review went ok as well.
Last edited by makedamnsure : 23-06-2010 at 08:08 PM.
Reason: added sentence
Thanks. Yes, we have a good friendship. He's nearly 4 and I'm 40, but yes!
I don't know if he will draw pictures, but I could try. I've already said I'll take photos if things flower in the garden - but that's to my flatmate, not her son!
