As I look down the list on my facebook I see all the people on there with their friends. On the beach, at the parks, at the movies, on vacation, and they look so happy. I miss whatever it was that I had with an old friend of mine, I feel so stupid...she hasn't spoken a kind word to me since November. I've always believed a lot of things about myself, I'm stupid, I lie, I'm selfish, I hurt others, I'm not good enough, I ruin people's lives, and a long list of other just as wonderful things.
I miss being able to call a girlfriend and ask if she wants to go to the mall, I miss being able to talk about anime and not have someone think I'm stupid
I miss staying up till 4am on weekends playing World of Warcraft,
No one else really connects with me except my husband...
I couldn't live without him but sometimes I just want some girl time
Someone to paint my nails and giggle about nothing with
I feel that no one cares about me, I beg for my husband (daniel)'s grandfather to fix my car up so I won't be dead tired for school after I bring Daniel to work, and he fixes everyone's car but mine. My mom is constantly trying to run my life and makes me feel so immature when I dont' really think I am. I finally get the piercings and hairstyle I want and she yells.
I had one hope left for a girlfriend, she's been there for 8-9 years...I told her I was thinking about harming again and she yells at me. She told me that harming myself was stupid and I needed to get over it and that she thought I'd stopped that nonsense. I wanted to cry
I'm at school again, waiting for my instructor to open class so I can start work. I just don't know what to do anymore, I go to class so I'll have something to focus on because the only good thing in my life is stressing me the **** out right now.
Daniel keeps telling me how he's going to get laid off at work and how we never have any money. I know we don't have a lot of money, but I have him and that's all I care about. He feels the same way he just freaks out easily. We're trying to get a trailer to live in when my uncle moves (we're living with my uncle now) in march, but I don't know if we can afford it. I see no reason to stop harming since it's the only way I know how to make myself feel better. I need to be punished, I've done so much wrong.
It's wrong of me to live, I'm all out of hope. I was at the pool hall yesterday to clear my head and the manager wanted to shoot a few rounds with me. We got to talking and he told me about his drug addiction, so I told him I had a poison of choice too. I don't know why I told him, I haven't told anyone in so long except on here.
I think that the people on here are the only ones who know how ****ed up I really am, how depressed I am, and how often Ireally want to hurt myself. I'm terrified of almost everyone/thing. I need something to go right.
Everything in my life goes wrong, my husband lied to me abotu buying a street bike, now that he has to get rid of it so we can survive he's mad at me, we were going to trade it in and get 2 Ninja 250r's but again...my life's **** kicked back in. I dont' get a bike at all and he has to sell his. That's just one example of how ****ed up my life is...take another one, my best friend whom I quit cutting with. Her nickname from me was MJ, she got mad at me for some reason and told me she hated me, wouldn't tell me why. I know I did soemthing wrong, so I punish myself when the feelings of guild get overwhelming. She told all my friends I was cutting again, and I wasn't! She took them all, she took everyone; then her and her husband constantly harass me telling me how much they hate me.
I'm ready for something to go right and just be ok, I'm so stressed out I'm sick...I need to go in the bathroom and find something to cut with, but I don't have the time now...class starts in 9 minutes. I guess I just had to get some of this out...if no one cares or replies I understand. I just dont' think i'm worth it anymore.
