Triggering (Suicide) - Help - i havent done my CPN homework because i thought that id be dead
Help.
How am i meant to tell my CPN i havent done my homework cos ive been feeling so physically ill after all the tablets ive continued to take [so i felt too ill to do it most of the time recently anyway] but also that cos of how ill ive been feeling i honestly thought id be dead by the appointment so there would have been no point.
Last edited by Sleepless123 : 17-06-2010 at 08:43 AM.
Reason: To add to title
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
When are you seeing your CPN? I think you need to be honest with them, and if you can't express it verbally than you need to print this off. It's really important that they know you are feeling suicidal, do you think you can let them know things are this intense for you and you thought you would be dead?
Please keep talking, and please, please.... don't give up.
I don't even want to think about what would happen if we lost you.
You are a very important person here, and I imagine other areas, but certainly here.
Thinking of you <3
xxxx
Yeah, I think that you need to be honest with your CPN. It's what they're there for anyway, to help you and they want to. Perhaps printing off this post would be a good idea if you cannot say it.
Look after yourself and let us know how it goes xx
please, if you can, tell her exactly what you've told us. are you worried about her reaction? i'm sure it'll be ok and if she knows the truth it'll be easier for her to help you. i hope seeing her helps, let me know how it goes if you're able. i'm always here to listen.
i managed to tell her be it in written form what i explained to you all above.
i feel bad for having done so though.
i feel i shouldnt.
i feel such a fraud.
Because ive felt like i might be dying so many times.And it hasnt happened.
She and others must laugh at me and think im stupid and pathetic.
im sorry for wasting everyones time.
If i was dying id be dead by now right?So i must be wrong.
She asked me what i meant by what id said when i went in.
i just said id been feeling extremely physically ill cos of the tablets recently [she knows how much i take].
She asked if i felt there was a particular reason for this etc but seemed to calm down when i said i hadnt taken any other types of tablets different from what i normally and luckily for me we moved on.
She also asked me what i could do to be nice to myself at the moment cos she says things are likely to be very tough for me right now as there are a lot of changes going on for me both in my work and personal life.
i didnt tell her this......i couldnt answer her.
But the only thing i kept thinking was the nicest thing i could do for myself right now would be to let myself take more and more and more so that i would die.
That feels like the nicest thing i could for myself right now.To end it all.
But ironically i also dont believe i deserve nice things so maybe i should make myself stay and suffer and be in this pain.
i dont know.im confused.
What an idiot i am to tell her....to tell anyone....that [about thinking that i was dying/would be dead].
Tonight i lied to a pharmacist so i could buy two more boxes of the tablets i overdose on/take in very large quantities daily.i had two large boxes off them Monday as well.
i usually wouldnt go to the same place so soon.
And i do feel bad about lying in order to get the same offer twice in four days.
But today i felt so weak i couldnt go anywhere else.
And i feel so desperate.
i need to die.
And if i cant have that.
Then i still need to take as much as i can.
Cos then at least there must be some hope/some chance.
Having some hope of it no matter how remote may just have to be the next best thing.
Cos i cant do this anymore.
Sorry for the negative post.
Just ignore me.
im pathetic.
People dont usually tell people they feel like they are dying.
Especially when clearly they are not.
And they dont make that mistake time and time again.
Will it never happen?
xx
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
*cuddles* I am sorry you still feel as though you should die, and that you still feel that somehow you are bad or wrong. You are not bad at all, and it was a good thing that you managed to tell your CPN part of how you have been feeling recently.
When she asked about the tablets, do you feel you told her the truth? I ask because I know in the past you have mentioned not being able to.
I doubt your CPN would laugh at you. She would be doing a very bad job if she did. I think, this is your mind and your illness pulling you down. You deserve so much better than that. It sounds as though your CPN is concerned and wants to help you, that this is why she asked how you could be nice to yourself. You do deserve nice things, however much your illness may tell you otherwise.
I wish I could give you a real cuddle right now. I do not know what else to say, but you deserve a cuddle and for someone to tell you that it is okay to fight, it is okay to still be here and that there is nothing wrong with posting here, or asking for help.
Thinking of you.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
if you didn't feel so awful, would you want to die? ok maybe a stupid question but: things won't always be like this. i know it feels like they will and they have done for a long time, but the pain will end. you will get through this. i'm so glad the ODs haven't killed you because i want you around.
and like roiben, i'm sure your CPN doesn't think you're stupid or was laughing or anything like that. it sounds like she was concerned for you. i'm really glad you told her the truth, that sounds as if it was hard for you. btu it honestly is good she knows how bad things are for you.
Sorry Kath not in a v good place right now myself but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and I'll reply to this tomorrow in a better way.
Please keep fighting the need to OD.
See I cannot feel this, not matter how you try and in the real world, there's no goodbyes.
Gosh, sorry Kath..ive just seen this
I thought it was very brave of you to let your cpn know how youve been feeling and what your thoughts are...
im very proud of you hun.
Please keep fighting this.
You are worth more than this,
you are so important to me, such a good friend...
please keep fighting hun xxxx
I know we chatted about the whole thing in your second post over coffee the other day (which was so nice!) & you know what I think. I think you really need to tell them you do want some sort of support, maybe not to stop taking tablets but more of an outlet, incase it helps.
What do you think? How're you feeling?
Hi i was touched to see this thread tonight.Because i was touched that you all remembered me and thought of me/it even though i havent been around much the past few days and certainly not managed to give anything to anyone.Sorry.And thanks to all those who have hugged me too.It means a lot.
ive obviously been with it cos ive gone to work and that but to be honest i dont remember much of the details of the past couple of days etc really.
Things arent very good but they never are with me so i wouldnt waste your time.
i just hate that i can never die.And that i have that thought in itsself must make me bad.
i dont have much energy sorry.But i have updated my Rant/Vent thread.
im sorry but please look there if you can/want to.im sorry but i really dont feel upto writing it all out again right now.i know thats pretty useless though.
Roiben - *kath jumps on you and offers you many hugs too*.Thank you very much sorry i havent been there for you recently but i do think of you a lot.It means so much to me that your still there for me and read my threads.
Rowie - the same to you and thanks so much for your kind words.Your such a special friend to me too.i wish i could help you more.
Helen - you mean so much to me.Please dont worry about me while your struggling so much yourself.im really worried about you.As for support i think my CPN feels that they are already an outlet for me [which they are to some extent but i struggle 24/7] and that thats all they can do for me right now and i can see that too.And i think they are an outlet to some extent.i am just stuck right now.i see my CPN again Monday.And i am here this weekend and will certainly prod you to go out some time no doubt, seeing you and having you with me always cheers me up!
i just wish i was brave enough to do something other than what i currently do to try and get rid of myself.What i do is so pathetic and i wish right now that i was braver.
im sorry - i dont deserve your time.
Thanks everyone!
xx xx
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
Kath, you DO deserve our time. i've read your R/V and i'm sorry things are still so difficult. that must have been very awkward with the home help person too. got to go now but please take care fo yourself as much as you can. and allow me to say again that we're all very glad you're not dead. muchos love xxx
You are not a waste of space or time Kath, babe.
Your just ill & in need of support, which is okay, you give so much to everyone.
How are you feeling now?
I love you so much, I'm not doing anything this week in case you need me.
x
We don't know each other, as I'm new here, but I just wanted to say how brave I think it is that you were able to tell your CPN that. I know how mind-numbingly hard it can be to admit to feeling something that you believe you shouldn't feel.
I hope you're doing alright. The only advice I can offer is to try and take your mind off death - even if that's by watching loads of short, funny youtube clips in a row or something (short so it doesn't feel like committing too much time at once).
Kath, you are amazingly strong and I care about you.
We all go through slumps in fighting where it feels like we are out of fight and can not keep going any more. You can though and as far away and out of reach as it may feel right now; things can still get better. You can keep fighting this.
I need to go and find your rant thread - as I have not yet read that, I am thinking of you though and wishing I had better words and more effect and that I could send you all my strength and hug you, because you need hugs right now.
You are not at all a bad person and are in no way wasting anyones time. Please keep posting here. I care about you, and I worry when I do not hear from you for a long time.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
