maybe he was right...

[Merc]

...much as i hate thinking that.
He (old GP) told me i would suffer off and on; being 'well' then getting 'ill' /needing IP/TC, over and over.
I thought "no fukking way", when he told me.
But...its happened.
Again.
Not worked all this week
Partly due to bronchitis (STILL! been a month and a half, had a course of antib's, nothing)
But...mostly because of me.
It is so hard (and humiliating) to admit i cant do it.
We desperately need the bit of money i bring in.
What we really need is me to go back to my old job. Was awesome pay.
But...I cant.
The girl I work with is a bit miffed i 'let her down'.
I told her at the start i only wanted 1-3 days a week..that lasted one week, then bang into full. I tried to last, to hang on...but my fukking head got in the way...again.
(feel very guilty because she paid for me to have a cut and highlight for my hair...and then I dont work for her...)
So sick of this.
She doesnt really know anything and id like to keep it that way; (she is under the impression that i left work because i broke my shoulder there...dont care to explain it all) she talks a fair bit. Not in a mean/gossipy way, but still...
i DONT want to be back here.
The urges/sui were all gone, i thought.
But no, they were just hiding.
Will it ever get better?
I suppose not.
So ashamed.


Sorry ive not been giving any support/been around...just no time lately; home at 7-8 pm then make dinner, lunches, shower = no time.

[88shelz]

its hard to be positive when things start to go wrong
what you have to remind yourself of is that you have gone from a bad place to good place before and you can do it again.

ask for support and dont be afraid to say that you need help when you are feeling like this. i know its hard to believe right now but these feelings will go away again.

[Merc]

Thank you shellz.
I was offered individual therapy and I thought it over, spoke to her, said i didnt feel i needed it as things were going well...now i suppose i have to admit, i was scared to do it.
She did say to call if i changed my mind or if things got 'bad'.
Hmmm...
You are right, it will pass, hopefully soon and with no damage done.
Hate feeling betrayed by my own head.
Hate admitting i need help.
thanks again for the reply :)

[88shelz]

everybody needs help from time to time so dont worry about admitting it.

[crazykat]

*Hugs lots* Things can get better, you have got yourself out of bad times before so you can do it again. It's okay to admit you need a bit of extra support, this does not make you a failure. Hold on there. Here if you need anything. Take care
Kat xxxx

[Mandimoo]

hun its a circle. if you're not well physically you'll feel worse mentally, and then feel worse for feeling that way in the first place! *cue snowball*

maybe there's a way to learn how to think your way out of it, maybe you need to learn to work with this feeling, maybe you need to accept it's going to happen and that in itself might help?

love oyu lots rompy xxx

[Rain Keeper]

god i missed you.

[Merc]

Thx Kat and Mandi.
Will think about calling....
missed you too, my FRainy
xx

[Mandimoo]

call, thinking about it is no use. i found life a lot easier when i just went with it, so if i thought i should call, i'd call and i would tell myself that's it it's done.

[Merc]

Yes...maybe monday.
Very busy 4 day week is looming..
hmmm

[crazykat]

Just take it one day at a time, you will get through this. Also remember we are here should you need any support. Take care
Kat xxx

[CagedBird]

Sorry to hear things are difficult again. Being unwell and being as busy as you seem to be would play havoc with anyones mental health. I don't think that is just you! Take it slowly, don't push yourself to do everything.

[Pomegranate]

I think the fact you are viewing help as something that needs to be 'admitted' to someone is a productive sign (don't think I worded that very well but I know what I mean!). All slips ups and blips are hard but just because you are struggling again now does not mean your doctor was right. They are occasionally wrong you know :P. Don't get too despondant just now Romp

*lots of hugs* x

[Merc]

Thx Kat, Caged (sorry, dont know your name) and Emma.
Was thinking an email might be easier...but can see it being shared :\
So not sure...will think more on it and exactly what i want to say/feel 'safe' saying, I suppose.
Thx again, all of you.
xxx

[Merc]

She'll be here in 1/2 an hour..
I can do it, i can do it, i can do it..
right??
*sigh*
why did it have to become so difficult?
tired of this ride now...can i get off??

[Pomegranate]

Yes you CAN do it! How did it go?

No getting off for you!

I don't know why it had to become so difficult. You don't deserve it at all. How are you doing at the moment?

[CagedBird]

i can't focus enough to figure out what you can do.

all i know is that you deserve help.

you are good and kind to others.

be good and kind to yourself.

[Casper_Fading]

Hello my lovely!!!!!!! I miss you sooooooooooo much!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can DO IT!!!!!!!!!! You know something? You're recognising the problem! That is a big step forward for you. A year ago you would have just.... ignored it and let the crash happen and then said you didn't see it coming...

Have you thought about doing DBT honey? It's doing pretty good for me and might help you too? maybe look into it??? I dunno!


I looooooooooove you!!!!!

Your non nakey sky blue jelly bean ^_^

[Merc]

Thanks Emma and Caged :) Your support means a lot to me.
*glomps Jess*
Been too long my darling.
I DID do it...and even enjoyed it.
I spoke to her on the way home about needing 'time off' sometimes, that the reason im on permanent disability is because (hate to admit this) i cant handle full time work...told some of how i was (not the harming tho, doubt i will ever share with anyone) and she thanked me for it.
So, pleased with that. Now she understands a bit better.
Going to get into my doc on monday and discuss meds, he had wanted to increase one, but I held off...now is time i think.
Also want to see about switching the quetiapine to something else...idk...its working, but the weight bit is not good for me...brings up thoughts of restricting, lately. Do NOT want to go down that road again.
Anyways, thanks so very much :)
Much love
xxxx

[Mandimoo]

maybe increasing the other med will quiet the restricting thoughts. maybe the weight gain is positive. maybe you should seek separate support for ed issues, like from a specialist counsellor or something, they might be able to liase with dr about appropriate meds etc.
mand x