Triggering (SI/OD) - All we can do is keep breathing...

-Shae-Lynn* · 10-06-2010, 10:32 AM

I don't know what time it is in the UK, but here is it almost 5:30am and I have not slept at all. I'm so tired, but I took something and it is making it impossible to sleep. It's making me feel really anxious and jittery and just all together not well. I want out of my house, but like I said it's 5:30 and I'm scared of the darkness outside my house.
I scratched by belly because I'm not allowed to cut right now. I refuse. In my head scratching isn't as bad as cutting. I know, I know... The severity of an injury tells us nothing of the pain inside and any injury cause is just as bad as another but I can't see it that way right now.
I hate who I am. I honestly cannot stand myself which is what is leading me to take what I'm taking. It's not going to kill me, the side effects are actually positive but if anyone found out what I am doing I'd get into a lot of trouble. Well, maybe not trouble, but they would be incredibly disappointed.
I keep listening to the same song over and over. This song to be exact. (it's kind of triggering so if you watch it please be careful) [ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hTq5eejFM1g&feature=related[/ame]
It's really good and to be honest it's the only thing that has kept me going tonight. How pathetic is that? A song. A melody, counter melody and chorus are saving my life. Hmm...
I was told tuesday night to call or text my friend's mom if I ever need help. I don't know when to do that though. I don't know when I am safe and when I'm not. I don't know anymore. I'm so far beyond help now. I don't feel like I can burden anyone in the real world.
I want out permanently but at the same time I know I couldn't. When I took the OD I saw how it affected everyone who knew. If I killed myself it would kill them. I can't do that to them, not right now anyways. I guess that's something.

tamobhuuta · 10-06-2010, 09:10 PM

damn i though i posted a reply to this. i hear how much pain you're in. i'm glad you won't kill yourself but sorry you felt the need to harm yourself. do you want to talk about what made you want to do that? i'm here.

-Shae-Lynn* · 11-06-2010, 03:05 AM

No, no, no, no, NO!!!
This is NOT happening again. I cannot let it. I cannot let myself slip so far backwards. I'm allowing myself to have messed up eating patterns because I cannot stand how I am right now and slipping back into disordered eating will make me feel more in control. Hey, it's better to hurt in a way that no one can see than to have more gashes all across my body. It's taking every single ounce of my determination to not hurt myself badly. To not OD. To not punish myself. I deserve to be punished. I really, really do.
And yet I sit here. Listening to that same song over and over becoming slightly obssesive over it but hey, it's literally keeping me breathing right now. Ironic, no? I think so.
No.
Stop thinking like that! Stop looking at the bottle of pills. Stop looking at the blade. Just listen to the music and everything will be okay.
But it won't be. It'll never be okay again.
I will never be okay again.
How could I possibly be okay. I am so ****ing screwed up! I can't get better. Other people can but I am not good enough to get better. I am not strong enough. Not anything enough.
I'm sorry that this is so all over the place. It is keeping me from taking more medicine and that can't be a bad thing.
I'm sorry that I am such a waste of time. I don't deserve any help. I rarely help anyone else on here.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : triggering suicide

. It's getting too hard. Too hard to cope. Too hard to breathe. Too hard to live.

----

Eurgg...
This is bad, but oh so good at the same time. I picked a scab and it started to bleed. This tiny insignificant amount of blood has triggered me like crazy. I could cut and cut in a place where no one would notice and I would be golden. NO one would know. No one would see. I could get away with it. Just like I can get away with not eating because I'm pulling away. I'm pulling away from so many, many people to protect them from my head. Yes I get worse when I stop talking but god, it makes me feel so much more in control. It makes me feel real again. So my belly hurts. So I cut. No one cares anyways. Why should I?

tamobhuuta · 11-06-2010, 12:44 PM

i care. i know that probably doesn't mean much. why do you feel like you can't get better? has there been a time you didn't feel like this? you can feel that way again, or even if you haven't, there can be a first time. you don't deserve to be punished, i'm sure. would you like to talk about why you feel you do deserve so much pain?

-Shae-Lynn* · 11-06-2010, 08:09 PM

It means a lot, thank you.
I feel like I can't get better because in all the time I've been sick I've never been able to make any permanent progress. I'll take baby-steps forwards and then everything will come crashing down. After all the work I've put in to getting better I still end up feeling suicidal, or feeling like I need to cut or feeling like I can't eat as a punishment. It just keeps going in circles and I cannot stand it.
I do deserve to be punished. Had I not told everyone what was going on I wouldn't have hurt them so badly. No one would be worried about me. No one would know to care. I deserve to suffer for making each and everyone of them suffer. It's not fair what I did to them.

I have this feeling in my chest. It feels like there is a hundred pound pressing on my heart. It feels like I need to cry and I don't want that. The only thing I can think of doing is taking a serious OD and just being done with life. Either that or get back into cutting. I think that cutting would be the better solution right now though.

I have this juice powder stuff that is supposed to make you lose weight but I think I took to much and that it is making me feel worse. I think it makes me anxious. I haven't felt like this in so long. It just proves how cyclical my life is.

Oddity · 11-06-2010, 08:19 PM

I have this song on my iPod, and I can actually sing it decently... it does help. It's so true that all we can do is keep breathing.

tamobhuuta · 11-06-2010, 09:18 PM

i don't think cutting or an OD are good ideas. you can mae it through this without either of them. why don't you want to cry? it can be really helpful and it's very normal to want to cry when you've got so much going on inside you.

-Shae-Lynn* · 11-06-2010, 09:59 PM

Grumble.
I ended up cutting. It's made the feeling in my chest a little less bad but now I feel like poop.
My cousin's wedding is tomorrow and I really don't want to go. I feel really anxious. Like if I go I'll ruin it for everybody because I'll be a party pooper. I don't want to be around that many people right now. I... I can't do this. On the plus side it means that I cannot do anything to seriously hurt myself tonight. If I hurt myself it would ruin their wedding. This knowledge doesn't really help me very much.
I feel numb.
I think that I keep dissociating but I'm not sure.
I need help...

tamobhuuta · 12-06-2010, 01:27 PM

do you have any help in real life?
i hope the wedding isn't too awful. it's only one day, you can survive it.