Triggering (SI/Suicide) - My job makes me want to SI

earthbound_misfit · 06-06-2010, 07:15 AM

okay, I realise I might sound like a lazy bitch who just doesn't want to work... trust me it's how I feel.
In the past six months I've been off work (intentionally, living in another country in a hippyish arty type hostel to have time to write my first novel) and in this time things have happened in my mind to the point where I would say I'm okay now. Or 'better' or whatever you want to call it.
People saying nasty things don't get to me in the same way anymore (ie. I might feel hurt but don't immediately think 'suicide' or lose it/dissociate) and I don't have panic attacks or freak out and I can generally cope with life and feel happy and positive...
This is awesome and I'm sorry if I shouldnt be posting here anymore...

Problem is now I'm back at work (in a coffee shop) even though I only do 30 hrs a week I want to SI just to get through, sometimes I mildly dissociate after a few hours in work and honestly, I just want to scream and grab the knives and hurt myself and get outta there. Last night I cried for hours, the only reason I managed not to SI or get totally pissed was a good friend who talked to me on the phone... but I just keep thinking, I dont want to got to work, I dont want to go... I cant handle it.
Im only in this job for 2 more weeks, then moving house and will be on jobseekers allowance... this job has been temporary and is only 5 weeks in total...
SO WHY CANT I COPE???
I dont know what to do, I cant live like this I will get really depressed again, and all my progress (major. Really huge.) will be undone... but I dont count as ill, certainly not under the new ESA, I wouldn't even describe myself as ill, not remotely, normally.
But on JSA you have to apply for ANYTHING... I'd like to do care work for 30 hrs a week (possible but huge obstacles despite having the NVQ in care, as I have a criminal record that has stopped my nursing career - uni place withdrawn)
but they will make me do ANY job!
I cant stand being so crap and useless that I cant hold down a job, depsite being fine otherwise...
and Im sorry to waste your time, but thought maybe you could offer advice as I know some of you are doing better in work than me :s
I just dont get why I want to SI so bad to cope, when I thought I was better...

thanks for reading, advice muchly appreciated...
B x

*edited to say, Im back home now I ****ed up and was sent home :(

earthbound_misfit · 06-06-2010, 07:19 AM

ps. there is nothing bad in my job particularly. And I dont think im too lazy really as when i wasnt working I was very disciplined at writing every day, also in my days off I make clothes and paint... Im never idle really

ihaverabbits · 06-06-2010, 05:07 PM

sounds like maybe this is just not the job for you. stick it out if you can, and see how it goes with the next job you get. if the next job is ok, then you will know that the problem is your current job. if the next job makes you feel the same you may need to get some sort of therapy or counseling to help you cope. just something to think about.........

earthbound_misfit · 07-06-2010, 08:05 AM

It's always happened in every job I've had, although an awful lot less in the care job. Problem is I've no references from that, and a criminal record and they have got much stricter on that since that job.
It was my inability to hold down a job/cope with college that frist led me to realise I REALLY needed help, and the **** I went through in the mental health system after that made me really depressed and suicidal... 3 yrs of hell and homelessness and awful situations that I couldnt control, abusive relationship etc... then a year in therapy.
I cant go through that again, and thats the point - I was REALLY ill then and still was very lucky to get therapy, now they'd laugh in my face. Come to think of it, one did, last summer.

recoveringrobin · 17-06-2010, 03:21 AM

i can relate to this so much. i have self injured at every job i have had. i have also lost 4 jobs because of my borderline acting up. i still don't have any answers for myself, i just wanted you to know you are NOT the only one who does this. i am thinking of trying to get some job coaching or something.