Triggering (Suicide) - Insults I've never even been called...(some mentioning of abuse)
I keep on thinking really bad thoughts about myself, ones I've never been called before in my life.
My father would call me stupid all the time and probably other stuff I don't remember (My memory of my father is slightly messed up) but my mom never said anybody bad to me (though I think I vaguely remember her explaining to me that my Autism means that I appear egotistical and I took it as a really bad insult to my character)
So...despite me not swearing at all, a lot of my horrible thoughts are swear words. I'm ashamed of what I think about myself, I don't think I could ever say these things out loud.
The following content has been hidden - Reason : Some of the insults involve profanity/slightly adult and it feels better to have it hidden
I call myself a fucking (or many of the others) bitch, worthless, loser, stupid, useless, selfish, whore (that one is new and the most disturbing one to me because I am a virgin), idiot, and a waste of space.
Has anybody else had similar experiences to this? I don't think anybody can help, but maybe I'll feel less alone?
Self hatred can be so malignant, I know. It seems that there's a part of the self that latches onto and replicates and magnifies what was said to it by others.
And yes, I experience this kind of thing. For many years I was 'immune' to it's awfulness, but now I recognise how hurtful it is and that makes me feel sad. I'm working at being kind to myself, but it takes time.
You're not alone in feeling like this. I've feel like this too, I'm ashamed of what I think of myself as way - I can relate.
I wish I could make things better for you. x
I do this too. I've done it since I was very young.
I can't say mine out loud either. My psychologist is always trying to make me, but it's incredibly hard.
I'm sorry about your friend Sweet_Scars. She was younger then I am :(
My old therapist got me to say a few of them, but I haven't gotten close enough to any other therapists.
Thank you so much ebec11. It means a lot.
I think it probably would help to say them out loud. It might make it more real, and make us face it properly.
Yes, I do call myself all sorts of horrible names. When I'm feeling particularly bad, I will be screaming every possible name you mentioned and more in my head, so loud I want to cover my ears.
Sometimes if I yell back at the voice to shut up it helps (yeah, having screaming matches in my head sounds like I'm completely insane, but whatever). Like Shauna said, affirmations help me some too.
My name is Matt, and I am a boy. Feel free to PM me :)
I have learned that the world is not a safe place. Not at all. But there are so many people who love me and want to keep me safe. And that is enough.
Not quite sure what affirmations are, it might help. Though my "positive" voice is so weak, it just doesn't seem real sometimes. I'll attempt to yell, but the "negative" voice is so much louder, even when it's whispering. That sounds weird, but I think it makes sense.
