I'm going to post this in here as well, because although I haven't lived quite as long as some of you, (I'm right on the threshold of adulthood -- 18 years) this is a problem some of you may be able to help me with that my peers may not.
~~~~~
I just remembered or discovered something, something which has been bothering me for a long time but I never actually realized what.
I, don't really know how to say this because on the surface it means one thing, but to me it's so deep and so painful that I'm lost trying to describe it.
But, all sorts of things in my life have been affected by my abuse. Since it was quite violent and sexual in nature -- playacting, though. It wasn't really violent. But the point of this is that I'm really wanting, needing abuse. I want to be used, and hurt. And all my SI is because of that: I want hurt. I don't particularly want to get better because I'd be locking off my dark areas, where my deepest identifications are. They say childhood defines you, well, that was my childhood.
But I have a wonderful girlfriend, and she doesn't want to see me hurt, and I feel really guilty because of all this, and because I keep triggering myself by finding adult-oriented material that touches on those themes. Not because it's sexual, but because it hurts me and makes my emotions stir.
And (predictably) all I want to do is hurt today. I made a small moderately deep cut yesterday and it's so tempting to just keep on going and make a whole bunch more... but I can't because people (in particular, my girlfriend) will notice and just...
I'm sorry. I'm absolutely horrendous at writing on these boards. I never know how to ask for when I don't know what to ask for.
I'm sorry I'm just a despicable creature.
I want to crawl in a hole and never come out.
"When I was a little kid, my mother told me not to stare into the sun, so when I was six I did..."
ok....first off you are NOT a despicable creature.
ive heard alot of people call themselves things but thats a first!!!
i think wanting to hurt is very normal.
and youre right...your childhood shapes you into the person that you are.
BUT with therapy and maybe the right meds...you can become the person you WANT to be.
im wondering if youre seeing therapist or taking any meds?
i was also physically and sexually abused as a child, and subconcoiusly i think ive looked for it all my adult life. i put myself into situations where i know i will get hurt. it can turn into a vicious cycle. but it is very normal to feel this way or so ive been told by my therapist.
keep writing if you need to...sometimes it just helps to get it all out.
oh...and we certainly dont mind if its all jumbled and fuzzy....half our posts are like that, lol.
but you made perfect sense to me.
take care of you.
much love.
xx
I see a therapist from time to time (hopefully a bit more often come next month). I was on meds a year ago and it drove me nuts. It's that the problem isn't in my brain, it's that there are these things wrong with my intellectual mind and so meds make me happy, but happy isn't what I am because I can't be. The mental dissonance drives me mad.
And I only see my girlfriend a few times a year (right now we live about 700 miles (over 1000 km) apart). I'll see her in a few days for a week, and I suppose that's really stressful to me because, it's just a big thing in my life. But then after that, I may not see her again until December this year or possibly even June of next year. And I just know that no one will see what I can do after I come home...
It's simultaneously terrifying and reassuring.
And I just realized that in less than six months I'm 19.
And that's horrible too, and I don't know why.
I can't even describe what I'm trying to say half the time, and it's really getting annoying.
(my easel just collapsed and I can't put it back together, and I was actually going to do art instead of being on the computer...)
I should really be trying to get my drawings done.
I feel bad for what I've done and how I act and all sorts of things. I can't really connect to anybody because I can't let them see the caverns of **** inside me. I'm afraid I'll scare them away or have them criticise me.
And I can't feel anything again, and I don't want this.
"When I was a little kid, my mother told me not to stare into the sun, so when I was six I did..."
It sounds to me like when you where younger you where taught that affection came from hurt. clossenss from abuse ect. You learnt from example when you where younger.
I can say that you are not alone.
However, with time and the right therapy, it is possible to teach your mind that love comes in many forms, and that closeness can be much more rewarding for both parties in the long run.
I was raised similarly I think. You're not alone, definately. You can learn to love. It sounds silly, but you need to learn how to touch and be touched.
I need to learn it too. You're not alone. Listen to Bitter_angel, she's brilliant.
