Triggering (Suicide) - depression and relationships?
i just wondered whether people think its possible to be in a relationship when you are severly depressed and the other person doesnt understand?
im in a relationship at the moment (well, for the time being) but my depression is the major thing coming between us, and its just making things worse. its fuelling my depression, its ruining my relationship and neither or us are happy. its like hes staying with me coz hes scared what ill do if he leaves, like pity or charity or something, but i want him to WANT to be with me not feel like he HAS to be.
does anyone get where im coming from and experienced similar?
do you think its safer to try and tackle depression on your own or in a relationship?
"Tonight i will dance on the graves of all my darkest days,
and erase all the worries of all the time i wasted, my scars may never go away but i'll learn not to mind them along the way"
A thousand mile journey starts with the first step
Join Date: Oct 2009
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Totally understand where you're coming from.
I haven't had a relationship since I've been depressed. I try to hide it because I feel that people don't understand and can't handle it. My relationships just break down.
I think if you tried to tackle it on your own then it may make things worse, you could try and get your partner involved too. It might make him understand what you're going through.
From my experience I would try and get him involved. Your partner might feel pushed out and unwanted if you try to tackle this on your own.
PM me if you need anything.
I totally get where you are coming from.
It can be hard if your partner has never experienced anything remotely similar. I know from being on the inside and outside of depression how frustrating it can be for those wanting to help, but also how totally alone and isolated you can feel when you are down.
I don't see why you can't be in a relationship but you have to make him at least try to understand. The way I explain to my boyfriend is tell him to imagine the saddest he has ever felt and imagine feeling like that for no obvious reason all the time. It is hard for people to grasp because they want you to just "snap out of it" like they can and don't understand how impossible that is.
I totally get wereyour coing from also, there have been a few lads i have really liked and a few lads who have liked me but i have not gone out with them as for most the time when i met the lads i was severely depressed and i thought having a boyfriend along with trying to do other things (which are easy when you arent depressed but when you are depressed its so much harder, like getting out of bed, doing assignments etc etc) So i thought i would try and get better in myself and be... stable mentally before i got into a relationship but thats just my take on things . Also when your better you can enjoy things alot more.
I'm not sure how my boyfriend would react, so I haven't told him. I just put on a happy face and if it's a better day he makes me feel better anyways, so it works out for the most part. I've told him about my anxiety and he reacted well, but I could never tell him about my depression and self injury. It would make him act differently around me.
Do what you love to do, and you'll never work another day in your life.
Oh yes, I've been there. My MH problems have been coming between us for the best part of 6 years. It's gotten better recently with a good therapist and adequate meds, but its not over. However, I'm now at a point where I can believe he wants to be with me, and isn't doing it out of fear or pity. And I'm at a point where I'm with him because I want to be, not because I need to be. However, I'm sure if I didn't have him, I wouldn't have survived the last few years- despite all the **** I've gone through, and all the instabilities, he's been the one constant, the one thing I can rely on not to change. So for me, it was much safer to tackle my illness with him than without, but its different for everyone x
Wake me up before I change again
Remind me the story that I won't get insane
Tell me why it's always the same
Explain me the reason why I'm so much in pain.
I've never had much luck in previous relationships. I've been asked a fair few times "why cant you just change?" ... " you drag me down and make me go on anti-depressants" ...etc. maybe providing him with a bit of info about depression, and you need to talk to him about how much he would like to get involved, what to do when things get really bad etc. and how he can help if he isnt sure what to do.
I've had an off and on relationship with someone who may (or may not) have depression. However, their depression seems to be at a clinically less severe level than my own (ex. I've had suicidal thoughts/near attempts and she has not).
I actually think I may be bipolar... looking at my life the past year it does make a LOT of sense, and I have a genetic predispoisition to the disorder (though I've not gotten a formal diagnosis yet (and nor will I be able to for months if I don't want some of the people around me to find out), I've taken every test I could find, and they all say the same thing).
I feel terrible for the way I am towards her. It's so unpredictable... and my mood changes rapidly and severely. I wish whatever it is (if it is or isn't something like bipolar disorder) goes away. I love her, but this is inhibiting my ability to give love and to feel loved.
She tries to support me, and is good at bringing me back to reality (for the most part), but she has her own issues too and I feel guilty that my ability to help her is virtually nonexistant at the moment. I feel bad for always leaning on people for support. I don't deserve the people around me. I'd like to think that I've given enough to them in return, but I really don't know if I have.
To answer the question... I honestly don't know.
I think having support can help a person get better, but it can drain the other person's emotional resources.
Last edited by Oddity : 07-06-2010 at 02:37 AM.
Reason: To actually make a relevant point to the conversation.
I've never had much luck in previous relationships. I've been asked a fair few times "why cant you just change?" ... " you drag me down and make me go on anti-depressants" ...etc. maybe providing him with a bit of info about depression, and you need to talk to him about how much he would like to get involved, what to do when things get really bad etc. and how he can help if he isnt sure what to do.
xx
Almost ten months, and engaged. Got to be doing something right.
On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.
Relationships are always difficult when depression is involved, as it is always difficult to see someone you care about struggling.
I think it is always a good idea for both people in the relationship to go to counselling. I do not mean couples counselling, although that is an option, I mean that the partner who does not have depression should also see a counsellor, even if just once or twice so that they have an outlet for their worries and concerns and can get an independant perspective on what is going on as well as a possible professional explaination. This way, said partner will not feel that any stress they are feeling as a result of their loved ones depression or struggles is becoming a blame culture.
I have found in the past, that it helps if the partner feels in some way involved. That they know that although they can not cure you, they can still help. Any minute that makes you smile is a minute when you have not been sad or crying, and all of those little things add up. That, and just knowing they care, and can support you (just sitting or offering a hug can make a big difference).
I would not say having such a relationship is easy, on either person, but it is by no means impossible. It takes a level of honesty between you, so that you can say 'I am finding x difficult', and acceptance.
I am lucky in that my boyfriend has had depression in the past as well, so he knows some of where I am coming from (although we both appreciate no one person is the same and our experiences are very different). We both support each other and it is that, plus honesty that keeps us going and prevents the depression putting a wedge between us.
Best of luck.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
Personally i think that both of you have to be giving an equal amount into the relationship. I think to let someone else love you you have to love or at leas like yourself. I didnt so it made it very hard for my recent ex. depression, ED and SI puts a lot of strain onto a relationship. In the end he basically ended up resenting me because he loved who i was and who i could be but more often than not i wasnt anyone i just was, just drifting a long and s he said i wasnt who he fell in love with. I realise now that i needed a friend not a boyfriend, it was just more pressure and more guilt. Maybe you could suggest just being friends and concentrate on yourself as i believe it is very important to be ok yourself before working on your relationship.
I felt the exact same, he was with the memory of me and the memory of us and he was just waiting there for me to get better but he didnt and it ended badly. He was worried what i would do if he left.
I felt awful burdening him and it went on too long and the more upset he got the worse i got so on a personal level for me now it is better to sort myself out on my own without worrying what affect im having on others as my ex was there but could never understand. But maybe it would upset you more not to be with him? i dont know, everyones different but for me if the break up had been goood, it would have been the best thing for me.
everything will be ok in the end, if it's not ok then it's not the end.
My ex was pretty much with me because he was scared that i would try and kill myself if he dumped me and im pretty sure he just got back together with me because he felt sorry for me (i was in mh hospital and he was visiting me about twice a week and we decided to try again while i was in there) im glad i got out of the relationship because eventhough he was very nice and we are still friends now i dont think it was good for either of us.
with my new relationship he is extremely caring and understands how i am feeling when i am down eventhough i worry i bore him when im depressed because all i want to do is watch tv and sleep but i try not to see him when im really depressed because i just dont like to be around people generally when im like that.
maybe you could talk to your boyfriend and tell him how you are feeling and ways in which he could help when you are feeling depressed and just see what he says, because if he doesnt think he can cope then its his loss.
x
Communication.
You need to talk to each other, discuss how you're feeling, how it makes him feel. It's so hard, honestly, but it's one of the better ways, if he asks how he can help, don't shrug, try & think, say you'll get back to him if you have to.
Any relationship will crumble if you don't communicate properly, if one partner is ill or not. But yes, talk talk talk.
I hope I'm not butting in, but personally I find relationships to be really hard at the moment. Friendship-wise and "Romantic"-wise. I've been in an on-off relationship for at least a year and it's getting to the point where it's making me feel worse. I think it's because sometimes I just want to talk to him, but I feel like he's just...I don't know....not arsed ? I guess I'm the one to blame.
Friendship-wise, it's hard too. I've lost trust in a lot of people lately and feel as if a lot of my "friends" don't care about me anymore. I'm not sure if this is true or not, but it's how I feel right now.
All in all, right now I think I'm better off alone, but hmmm I'm just gonna see how it goes I guess. Ah well.
Any relationship starts with your relationship with yourself. There can be lots of scars in self esteem and self worth etc with depression, and that can make things insecure and vulnerable and jumpy.
