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Triggering (SI) - Forgetting
Hmm.. well by the time I see my therapist next Friday, it will have been a month since I last saw her as I made a mistake with my appointment last week and she only sees me twice a month now. I'm having trouble remembering what there is to live for at the moment.
I have decided that after I've rehomed my rats that my sister is supposed to have taken off my hands, I am not going to have anything to do with her. It's a long story and I can't really be bothered to hash it out on here but she is selfish and I don't want to know her anymore. So that's that. She's made me really angry and she has ruined 2 days in a row for me now. I woke up yesterday feeling so so and then decided to go into town to get a carry bag for my rabbit so I could carry her around etc and I was all happy to go and get it, then my sister ruined my day by demanding I go and get cat litter for the rats to clean them out and I said, I can't because I am getting ready to go out so why don't you get it from the co-op (which is no further for her than me) - she said 'No you go and get it!!!' in not so many words. Anyway to cut a long story short, I went into town and forgot about the angry feelings and got the cat litter and dropped it to her at 6ish. This afternoon she came round to give my mum the address to my nephews birthday party on Sunday (which weirdly is Kent because her boyfriends family is better than ours) and so she said I was causing too much of a problem - which is rich considering I do all the giving with regards to the rats - I pay for the food, the litter etc because I pay her £10 a month to have them and I still have to go and the get the stuff!!! ****ing lazy bitch.
Anyway so yes I wasn't very happy. Then last night I found out that I bought some cool headphones for my psp but they only fit the older versions and they only cost £2.99 so no point taking them back really but I really wanted them :( So that kinda ruined my day today on top of that!
I've stopped loving my rabbit again. I don't know why. I just look her and don't feel the same way I did before. I kind of don't really love anything anymore. I'm not depressed, I'm just having trouble remembering why I wanted to live in the first place. I don't want to live really - and it really hurts to breathe at the moment. I haven't cut in a while as I just haven't felt the urge and even started applying scar reducing oil to my arms so that when I go to New York in September, they hopefully will have reduced by then - I doubt it but hey! But I just can't be arsed not to. If that makes sense. I wish my sister didn't have this effect on me but my mum and I go out of our way to help her out with babysitting etc and I go to town with her when she has no one else to hang out with but the minute I want to go out she tells me she wants to do something with her boyfriend Tom. I'm sick of being used. I don't want to even look at her ever again. I hate human beings. I can't stand them. I don't want to be a human anymore. I just.. well it all boils down to the fact that I just don't want to be anymore. I thought I was over the death of my next door neighbours dog Penny but now I'm not so sure. I'm also angry because I put through the letter box for her owner, an SD card with some pictures on as she wanted some and this was like 4 days ago and I haven't even had a thank you!! Even though she sees me all the time and it makes me angry!! I don't want to ask her if she received it becasue I also put in the envelope a request if she wanted to, would she sign my petition against animal testing and if I asked her if she got it, and she said no, then I would know she didn't want to. I'm the kind of person who hangs on everyone else's actions and words - Like I find happiness through pleasing other people etc and if they do something to upset me - like say no - I will never forget it and it will just upset me every day. So I guess the anger of not knowing will kind of outweigh the depression of being disapointed. But deep down I do want to find out whether she got the card. A ****ing thanks would be nice. Since I went to all that trouble to do it and I really cared about the dog too.
GOD! Now I'm making myself cry because this has been one unbelievably **** day!!!
I'm just so fed up!
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