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a title
I don't know what to name it, hopefully it'll come to me while trying to write.
Just, i'm struggling to 'recover' I don't know what i'm trying to do to be honest, recover does not seem like the right word, all i know is that i need to be more 'normal' because thats what the boy deserves.
everyone tells me to be more normal.
i'm feeling like i'm hated & people are whispering behind me, i was supposed to be in work this afternoon & i haven't got dressed yet (i have hovered & sorted washing out though, be grateful for small murphies?)
last night i visited some friends & had a few drinks, i didn't get drunk, left around half eleven, went to the boys house & then pretty much demanded we go back to mine because i believed my flat was on fire or just, i was stressing about my flat.
money is tight right now, hopefully i can sort it, i know that is stressing me slightly (a lot?), but today i just feel so, down and out, no motivation at all, i want to lay in the floor & stare at the light bulb, but normal people don't do that, so i musn't do that. all i wanted to do was have a few drinks with friends like people do, but i can't because the next day i feel like this again & i'm trying to hard to avoid it, the change in mood i polar opposites, i can go out to friends & not drink, i enjoy it, but sometimes i just want one because i like the taste & i.
i'm waiting for a psychologist, in april? february? i was told i needed a psychological intervention & that referral has not happened. i feel like a fraud to say i'm struggling, because really, it's just today beating me around, other things are somewhat ok, maybe.
i don't know, i spend so much time not on my own i can't tell if things are ok, i'm working everyday/night & if i'm not at work i have the boy with me, but my mirror is still covered with a towel so the person can't get out & i can't work out if 'he' is still around, i mean, i still have problems in parts of the club where there isn't other people, such as setting up a bar the other night & there was music playing, lights on, around 400 people in the other room & i was scared to have my back exposed despite the fact there were hundreds of people just below me.
i feel stupid for writing this, i haven't been able to offer any support because the words i type feel trite & empty & i don't like that, i need things with meaning.
i'd hurt myself, but truth be told, nothing in me can be bothered, & i need to be normal, so thats out the question. & it might help if i did, to be able to feel, maybe i need to just eat chocolate but i have none & it seems to tricky to leave the house right now.
i'd shower but the boyfriend have turned my boiler off (like we do at night) & i have no hot water without it, so i can't do that, well i could, but it'd be cold & i'm too scared to turn it on, incase i blow my head off.
i'm not suicidal, for the first time in ages i'm not. but, i don't know, this feels different & horrible. i don't like it, i don't know quite what to think today. i'd read but nothing much makes sense.
maybe, i don't know. oh poo.
apathetic, thats it. maybe. oh i don't know.
& thanks for reading.
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