Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I'm not feeling safe please help me?

chickenpie · 01-06-2010, 10:27 PM

Hi everyone,

Haven't been on for a bit, I don't know what I'm doing, where I'm going.

I think I'm losing it. My Doctor signed me off sick from work for 2 weeks on Friday, work is getting to me so much I can't cope with it anymore.

The following content has been hidden - Reason : triggering

I went in to work to give them my sick note and they were so horrible, telling me to get off the premises as I wasn't meant to be there. They said I would have a disciplinary when I get back. I felt so low, I have no idea what to do.

The Crisis Team rang me, my GP had called them, I met up with them Friday evening and felt a bit better, But the weekend was long, hard and draining. I slept all day Monday, and today I went for a walk with my friend, and have been going downhill ever since.

I tried calling my Psychologist (who wasn't in) my Care Co-ordinator (who wasn't in) and my GP (who is on holiday). I rang the Crisis Team but they weren't all that helpful. They told me to go for another walk, do some breathing exercises and ring my Care Co-ordinator.

I ended up so upset, barely breathing through my panic, and self-harming. It wasn't much but it helped just a tiny bit. I went to see my Practice Nurse and she's such a cow, she was cross because "I should have gone to A and E", well it wasn't anything major it just needed some steri-strips and a proper dressing (which I didn't have).

The following content has been hidden - Reason : Triggering

Now I feel awful, I haven nothing left. I am suicidal, but frightened to do anything. I want to OD, I NEVER feel like this, what the hell is wrong with me? I am so scared, I can't get through another night when I'm feeling this low, this desperate, this unsafe...

I have already made 'plans' for tomorrow. I will go to the sea, I can hurt myself there, noone will know me, nobody will care, find me, miss me, Oh my God what am I saying I don't want this I just want to be able to breathe and feel something other than this suffocating hell, I am so overwhelmed by my thoughts and feelings that I can't even function properly. I just want to die.

I am so sorry, please someone just tell me you understand?

Gemx x

88shelz · 01-06-2010, 11:19 PM

can you talk to the friend that you went for a walk with and see if you two can do something to try lift your mood?
try ringin the crisis team again and letting them know how bad it is getting...if they are no help you could always go to A&E and see a psych on call

please be strong sweetie. you would be missed

NeverBetter · 01-06-2010, 11:27 PM

saty strong im sorry i dont have many words but u can pm wenever

chickenpie · 02-06-2010, 04:17 PM

Thank you, oh it makes me cry to hear people saying nice things, like 'you'd be missed'. Would I? Really?

I have no plans to do anything, I just feel so lost and alone. I will not start relying on the crisis team and tbh they weren't all that helpful yesterday.

The friend I went for a walk with is a friend from my drama group, he's married though and his wife doesn't know we meet. We are NOT doing anything wrong but people talk and he works full time as a GP so I can't use him.

Thank you so much for replying.

Gemx x

Katiee · 02-06-2010, 09:58 PM

I do understand how bad you're feeling, hun. *hugs*
Please stay strong, these horrible feelings will pass.
I'm here if you need anything. xx

NeverBetter · 02-06-2010, 10:02 PM

hugs how are u today sweetie and yes u would be missed i care and so do other people ur not alone ive rang crises lines and ive heard people saying they have rang them before and tey ever help