Triggering (Suicide) - Hatred for who I am becoming...

-Shae-Lynn* · 30-05-2010, 11:04 PM

I'm not sure if anyone can relate to this, or if it even makes sense, but I'm at a place where I can't take it anymore and need some help.
I feel like I'm losing touch of who I really am. Who I was before all of this started. The person who everyone loved. I never had to try before to be happy and nice and positive and now when I'm with other people I have to work my butt off. I don't feel comfortable around other people. Granted, I've never been the life of the party but this is so much worse! I can't even talk to people half the time. My coach told me today that I'm the most introverted person he knows and frankly that's not me. That's not who I want to be. I can't continue being this way.
I recently found out that I've been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, Dysthymia and Borderline personality disorder. Three. Three separate labels that say how screwed up I am.
I feel like I'm changing, and not in a good way. Like I am living a lie. Like I'm never going to get better so why bother even trying!? I hate who I a becoming and the only option I can see is to do something final. Something that would kill me when people still like me. Before I screw everything up. I've attempted before and I know how much it'll take and all I can think about is that number. I have the means to do something final to myself, I just need okay to do so. I can't do this anymore...

14MillionMiles · 30-05-2010, 11:11 PM

Oh hun. You can PM me, or talk to me, now or whenever you like. I'm about now. I'll listen, and talk until whenever, I promise.

Ev xxx

14MillionMiles · 30-05-2010, 11:12 PM

Oi, you, NO. If I'm not allowed, you aren't. NO.

Imperfect.Star · 31-05-2010, 08:35 AM

Heya,
Just wanted to say that I think I can relate to some of what you wrote. I literally had one of those moments the other day where you just think "what on earth happened, who am I now? Am I really the same person?" The truth is though that every time we have a new experience or learn something new we become a silghtly different person so it would be strange not to change quite drastically over time. I know that doesn't help with losing the person you felt was 'better', I definitely look back and wonder where along the line it became hard to be happy and friendly and to work hard.

There are options though. Aside from anything else anxiety and dysthymia (that's depression right?) can be improved with medicine/therapy and that's at least 2/3 labels that can be managed which should make things better.

If you want to bring back the 'old you' the worst thing you can do is give up. Like you said, it involves working your butt off but that's life. No one said it would be easy but you will get something out of it if you try.

I really hope things pick up for you and you get some help with all of this.
xxxxxxxx

-Shae-Lynn* · 31-05-2010, 06:16 PM

I know that change in inevitable. Change is a good thing sometimes, but I struggle with it so badly.
I've run out of options though. I've been admitted, done day hospital been on meds and none of it's worked. I only get worse. I always get worse again and I can't handle it. I hate how cyclical everything is.
I'll be coping and deal well with things for a good amount of time and then out of no where I'll crash and can't cope. Even when things are going well I'm absolutely petrified of the next time I'll crash. It's a never ending battle. I simply don't want to be a part of it anymore.
If there were another option I would take it but there just isn't!