I am sorry. Too many posts about self, none helping others. Sorry
I can't do this. I am really wanting to jump. No overdoses this time. Just jumping.
I just feel hopeless. Everything is just a disaster! I am fighting urges to cut because I know it will be bad and require stitches I just need to end this constant merry go round. I cannot cope....
I don't know why I am posting this I just I'm trying to survive but its getting too hard. Far too hard.
I don't know how to do this...
You made up your mind to torture mine!
If you read a scar like a book, you will relise the story in which you over look
do you have anyone IRL who can support you through this? or is going to A&E an option? it's always ok to ask for help, here and from those around you. well done for trying not to cut, try to keep that going. can i ask, wdo you know why you want to die?
i know it's hard, and i went round and round the same thing.
but things do get better, and i know sometimes it seems like it won't but it will.
well done on not giving in to any urges :) that's a big step
just whenever you feel really down, just come on here, even just go in the arcade and play games. but things will get better i promise :)
i hope you feel better. PM me if you need me xxxx
I have an appointment with the doctor on Thursday. When I took the year out of uni I had to stop seeing my CPN, and though I can see support workers at uni I don't want to put this burden on them and they will prob want me to be assessed for hospital again - which comes into the equation quite often!
I want to die because it always ends up this way. I mean 2/3's of my life have been spent fighting this and trying to get over this but its just constant. Constant fighting, constant hospital visits, constant therapy.
I am going to see what happens at the doctors. But I just don't know how to keep this up.
I want to be able to do things, and I know you are sitting there saying 'you can' but my lack of energy wipes me out and I can barely manage to reply to a post without exhausting myself or stay awake during a film. I am back at work this week but its hard. I just feel constantly tired. And plagued by suicidal thoughts and impulses. I have tried distractions, I have tried dealing with it head on, and it doesn't make much difference. What is hard is that this time I want things to get better so I can work more hours, get back on track with uni work, start exercising lots, meeting up with friends, reading books, watching films, having fun. But I want that and am still wanting to die and the energy used to stop me acting on it is leaving me with no energy to do what I want making me want to end it more....
This has been constant. Constant battles with voices is draining.
Why is it so difficult for me to be 'stable'?
You made up your mind to torture mine!
If you read a scar like a book, you will relise the story in which you over look
I don't know what to say, I really wish I did. I can say "you can do this", because from where I'm standing, I can see that you're incredibly strong and that if you choose to, you absolutely can keep going and get to a much better place. But I know that doesn't make a lot of difference when you feel this bad.
Ok. It's only two days 'til your doctors appointment. Do whatever you have to do to keep yourself safe during that time. And then I think you need to be really totally honest with him - about how low you feel, about how suicidal you are, how 'good' you felt for those couple of weeks, the voices, everything. And be firm that you NEED help NOW. And more than what you've received up 'til now - you need help with EVERYTHING that's going on for you, seen as a whole, without certain aspects (voices etc) being ignored. Write it down if that's easier.
I know it is scary, I know the possible consequences are scary but really, please do whatever it takes to get the help you need and get through this - because you've said it yourself, you do want to get through it, you do want to be able to do the things you enjoy.
Like everyone else has said, get yourself to A&E if you can't be safe otherwise. Talk to people at uni! You're not being a burden, they care about you! And having them want you in hospital has still got to be better than trying to struggle through this on your own - which is clearly not working. Call a helpline, friend, whatever. And I'm always here if there's anything I can do - I know I can't say anything that will make it okay but I'm here to listen, PM, text, call even if you ever need to!
Are you feeling any better today, sweetie?
We care about you.
You're being really strong fighting the urges, what about distractions, have you tried any or maybe talking to someone who can support you through this difficult time?
Thank you for the replies. I am feeling a bit better but it is generally fleeting. I have worked and I have went to the gym to finish my induction.
I am trying to keep busy. But my weakness and tiredness is quickly consuming me and I may have to head to bed for the night very shortly. (it's only 6.45pm!)
I am trying so hard to hold off until Thursday but when I get low the voices get louder....I tried tlaking about them before and people didn't believe me - well the doctors did, and the nurse when I was in hospital 2 years ago was asking about them and I hadn't mentioned them to anyone - obviously realised from the way I was behaving. The other time after an overdose I was very with it and mentioned it and then psych liason said do I have any delusions cause its strange just to have one thing....but thinking about it now I don't know what would be a delusion (if I had/have any) because any one with a delusion believes it as fact....
I am going to try and be honest about what has happened recently. The suicidal thoughts are much more intense and more vivid. I have been actively suicidal for a long time and done things such as write notes, start preparing a will, giving objects away, saying goodbyes etc etc having plans written down and things but this time I have thought about how it would feel and thought of the wind that would be present, what would I be thinking, what if my thoughts changed. etc. etc. I am always asked by one worker 'how do you know that whats after will be better'. I have always said I don't believe anything is after - but now I wonder what if I end somewhere worse? Somewhere better? A lot of questions.
I am surviving by distractions. But things aren't good. I am trying to take my own advice. I have honestly been trying...it is just very difficult!
You made up your mind to torture mine!
If you read a scar like a book, you will relise the story in which you over look
do keep going. things can and will be better than this for you. would writing everything down for your doctor help? i hope they listen and are helpful. if you need to see someone sooner, it's a good idea to tell whoever needs to know, like Sparky said, maybe A&E.
Went to the doctors. Got blood tests, and dr thinks I'm bipolar...getting referred to psych (he has wanted to do that the last few times anyways) going to be a while until all this goes through though....
You made up your mind to torture mine!
If you read a scar like a book, you will relise the story in which you over look
not really, he did say I can come in when I am struggling, if anyone around me thinks I am getting what he thinks is 'manic' he wants me to be brought in...
You made up your mind to torture mine!
If you read a scar like a book, you will relise the story in which you over look
Well I am getting blood tests about a thyroid problem but doesn't seem to be the problem but are doing a second test to double check. But my history of depression and stuff and the way the depression is this time and the fact I was in hospital previously etc. And a few weeks back I had what he thinks was a 'manic' episode - so do some of the people on here when i made a thread in general believing that I knew the future would be good and humans would improve..I was completely different to what I normally am....I had so much energy without the need for sleep and thought I would get famous as I started writting a book....spent over £1000 in one day on things I didn't need (like duplicates) and giving away money etc.
I originonally went to the doctor about sleeping all the time, tiredness, fatigue, aches and pains, just feeling sh*t and it appears the depression often felt by those with bipolar are similar to this (excessive sleep rather than insomnia)
this is what he was saying any ways....And it could explain while I have had such a long term problem with things and psychotic features. People in the past have also thought I had been having 'mixed episodes' though that was just friends thinking that who had knowledge of mental health problems.
but it scares me that this could be a problem....it scares me incase this is what is wrong and it means I will have it all my life. Its not like depression in the sense I have always thought really that once I got out of it I would stay 'well' but it has been more than two 3rds of my life I've had to get help.
But I don't know....the one thing when he asked wiould I be open to the idea that this was an explanation for everything and potentially be given mood stabilisers - I said yes if it will help cause it has been too long i have lived like this but I wasn't too sure I lilked the idea of having a proper diagnosis given to me....Before when I was in hospitals it was really just to stop me killing myself....not really treatment....
I don't know....this is scaring me....
You made up your mind to torture mine!
If you read a scar like a book, you will relise the story in which you over look
it's ok that you're worrying about a possible diagnosis, but i'm sorry it's frightening you. does your doctor know about your feelings around this? this is me stating the obvious (!) buthaving a diagnosis doesn't 'give' you anything you didn't already have, although it can feel like it does. it just gives the doctor a way in to treating you. but i understand why this is worrying you.
I'm sorry that you're going through such a rough time right now.
One thing to try to remember though is that getting a diagnosis will not change anything. It would just be giving a name to the things that you've already been struggling with. I know that having possible diagnosis like Bipolar looming over your head can be really frightening, but try to remember that you are still you no matter what label you have.
Also, you CAN get through this...no matter what you are diagnosed with you CAN have a good, happy, and fulfilling life. You can overcome this, even if you can't believe that right now. I've met people who have been diagnosed with things like Bipolar, Schizophrenia, BPD, etc that are happy with themselves and their lives now. It is possible to get to the other side of all of this, and I believe that you will get there.
