a little ramble-ish just looking for people who understand

[ems]

Hi there, not sure where to post this please move it if i got it wrong!
I was diagnosed with Borderline pd 2 weeks after my 18th birthday and have now just turned 20, I am currently in hospital on a respite admission for 3 days which is actually turning out to be fairly useful. I feel I have depression as well as bpd, but my psychiatrist won't try me on any different antidepressants cos of the borderline, i've tried ssri's and sertraline really helped me for like 4 months, then it just kinda wore off, and i was already at maximum dose so i've just finished tapering down off that. My psych was gunna try me on an maoi at my request, but she said briefly at a meeting a few weeks ago that she had changed her mind and would discuss it later, which has yet to happen.
About 4 weeks ago i took a massive overdose and actually came very close to successfully killing myself this time. It made me feel terrible. It made me realise I have to change. The past 3 years have been living hell and it has to stop. So I made a commitment to never self harm again (I have been regularly selfharming to an increasingly severe degree for a little over 3 years now) This commitment is proving to be somewhat unrealistic but i have only cut once since which is nothing short of a miracle. Though I still feel unable and at the moment too unwell to take full responsibility for my actions and have been looking for whatever help i can get from my mum and from services so that i have people to talk to about my unearthly thoughts about wanting to die and it all feeling too much and how am i ever going to recover from this? I accept to some degree i have a choice and i am actively looking for help and really want to change, I just don't feel in controll of my own actions. I'm beginning to accept responsibility but its not an easy thing by any means.
I could waffle on for hours and give you the full story but right now i guess i'm just looking for people who understand and for people who have also been diagnosed with bpd, wether they agree with their diagnosis, their experience of services etc, how they have been treated by the mental health system. I just get fustrated that when I was under 18 they put me in hospital for 9 months with long term therapy and all the help i could want. But I wasn't ready for that help. Now, I am ready for help and feel completely rejected by services, like there's just a gap in the system for people like me.
Anways sorry for my ramblings :s

[whirlpools]

What support do you currently have? Are you having any therapeutic treatment for BPD?

I remember you from a while ago - were you going to go to the CRU or somewhere similar? Did you go? (sorry for all the questions!)

I have BPD, have been diagnosed since around about 18 though my diagnosis isn't 100% clear. I've been treated mainly for my symptoms rather than diagnosis, and overall, since the age of 17 my treatment has been very good.

I had psychoanalytic therapy with CAMHS for two years, then I went to a residential therapeutic community for a year at the age of 20. I've been "out" for two years, and although I did make definite progress there, I've had repeated crises and hospital admissions since. We (me, my family and team) don't want this to continue so I am being considered for another therapeutic community. Depending upon funding, I could either go to a day therapeutic community which runs 3 1/2 days a week or go to an inpatient one where I could have DBT.

In the two years since I left my TC I've been given lots of support from my psychiatrist, psychologist, day unit, ward, supported housing and care co-ordinator. Sometimes it might be too much support, because their opinions sometimes contradict and that makes things more complicated. In some ways, I might be better tapering off some of these supports.

I'm also on antidepressant and antipsychotic medications.

What would you ideally like in treatment? Does your psychiatrist say why she's reluctant to try other antidepressants? If it's because of an overdose risk, I can understand that and part of the "deal" might need to be that you would keep yourself safe and have them on a weekly dispense. But I agree that she needs to tell you why she's worried.

They might be concerned about offering therapy at the time-being with your risks being so high and the difficulties you have managing them. Sometimes they worry about making things worse (in the shorter term) with therapy.

Therapeutic communities are a good option because they can offer lots of support and treatment at the same time, especially in an in-patient TC (but those often have to be funded) but there's still a fair amout of risk involved in that they often don't have observations or searches of belongings or locked doors like an acute ward, so you'd need to seek help when you're feeling at risk, as far as you can.

And finally (after I, too, waffled!) congratulations on putting in so much hard work to reduce your self harming. I think that's a good step forward to receiving more treatment, and must be really hard. So you've done really well :)

[ems]

thanks, i tried the cru but just wasn't ready, I'm currently receiving no treatment as such for anything, I live in a somewhat supported living arrangement now cos my stepdad wouldn't put up with me. I don't think it's od risk, cos I get daily meds as part of the agreement with the supported living, it's about the only thing they actually do. My social worker has put in for funding to refer me back to the cru, but I'm not entirely convinced it's the right place, but i guess i may have to take it cos its the only thing on offer to me. They haven't suggested a tc, I'm not sure the cru counts as a tc although it has some similar aspects... they won't admit me to hospital cos the ward manager hates me. But they agreed to put me in this place for 3 days (like 3 days is gunna help?!!!!) Plus my psychiatrist is on leave next week. So I can't even get an answer on the meds front. She even wants to take me off the risperidone which is working well at stopping the hallucinations... not sure why she's so set with me coming off all meds... especially one which is actually helping!