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I don't know what to do [Slight trigger: Suicide and SI]
I feel like in a way I don't belong here on the site, but I don't know a place where I do belong. I just want someone to say it's going to be alright.
I'm in so much physical pain and nausea every day that I dread getting out of bed. I only get four hours of sleep a night, sometimes a two hour nap during the day, if I'm tired enough. Hell, I'm tired all the time. I can't even go to the grocery store anymore. I wait until I get so hungry that I have to go. But I can only buy enough groceries to fit into one bag, because that's all I can carry.
I'm 20 years old. Adding to my already existing mental disorders, I was just diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. It makes me want to kill myself. I always thought what I had been going through was curable, but it's only maintainable. It's devastating that this will be the rest of my life.
I try not to get upset, because it makes my pain worse, but at least when I cry, I feel better. If I let it out, it doesn't hurt as bad. But I can't cry all the time, but I want to. Sometimes I'll force myself to go out and walk in the park or downtown, but I find myself looking forward to going home and crying.
It's hard not to SI. Cutting gets my mind off of my other pains. It calms me down. At least that's how I remember it. It's been a while.
Add to all of this, my boyfriend is in jail for six months. He was locked up this past Thursday. I am having a hard time coping without him being here for me emotionally and physically. He would do simple things to help me out. Doing the dishes, taking out the trash, helping me with groceries. I'd do the laundry and spot clean the rooms. Now I have to do all of it, and I can't. I do get calls from him every couple of days or so. And I try to write, but I cry so hard.
I feel very alone. Sometimes I want to die, but I know I can't do it. Not anymore. I have loved ones to live for. But in turn, I suffer for them too.
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