This post isn't really asking to answers or anything, and is more of a vent, but wanted to put it in a forum that I knew it would actually be seen, rather than rant/vent. So yeh, you may as well stop reading now...
Where did it all go wrong? What happened to me that changed everything from good to bad? I have to know what happened. I'm desperate. I'm sure that if I just found out what happened then things would be better.
the thing is that I'm sure something happened. almost positive. I'm sure there is abuse there somewhere. The thoughts surely signal that. The constant thoughts about rape. About being raped, about how i deserve it. the dreams of that man. surely there is something behind it. no one gets this messed up for no reason. since i was teenager ive had a paranoia bout being raped. like if i go out i think, oh maybe i will be raped tonight. it scares me if i think about it, but the random thoughts that just pop in don't scare me. i almost welcome it. afterall if it didn't happen, then i deserve it to happen. i guess then id have a reason for being like this. it's not just that tho, i mean, i have bpd, and one of the causes of thatis sexual abuse or neglect - well i wasn't neglected, and none of the other causes fit either. it's not just that though. it's the inability to have sex. the pain associated with it. it's not like when i first started having sex i expected it to hurt. and after the first couple of times i expected it to go away. so it's not that i got into a cycle of expecting it. i mean i probs have now, but thats different. at the beginning it wasn't like that, so there is no reason for it to have developed. there are no physical problems in that way at all, and it just makes it worse now, cos now i don't feel like it. ever. soprobs makes it more painful. i dunno.
they says it's vaginismus. great. i don't care what it is, just fix it. someone fix itplease? imf ed up of feeling so, well so useless and incapable. why cant i just be a good girlfrend? it's more like im just his frend. theres nothing there. no passion. nothing. it makes me sad. if he split up with me i would never be able to get into a relationship with anyone else. too much insanity for one thing, even withou tthe no sex thing. maybe ill just be an old lonely lady with a million cats. yeh thats me.
its just that all the things ive got wrong seem to have SA as an underlying cause - self-harm, ED, BPD, vaginismus... but its the dreams. the dreams and the uncontrollable thoughts that are the most disturbing. why would i assume that i will be raped? why would i assum that i might have been raped? surely i cant have just conbjured this up in my mind. i mean there must be something behind it surely?
or am i just trying to make excuses for myself so i don't have to face the ideathat i'm a massive **** up by nature. thiking that something uncontrollable made me like this makes it easier to handle. if theres a cause fr why im like this then it means im not a bad person. mayb that's all it is. yet another poor excuse.
i crave something bad to happen, something really bad. not just the normal sh*t. i wlak home on my own at night, and i almost will it to happen. if i did get raped, would it then make t my fault cos i kinda wanted it? i know i don't really want it. i know if i think about it it scares the hell outta me, yet i still will it to happen. afterall i would deserve it. maybe itwould stp me being so bad at sex. maybe nothing will help that.
my boyf always wants oral, but i cant do it. ive tried a few times and it used to just make me uncomfortable, but now I feel terrified at the thought of it. Before i thought the anxiety was ED related. dont like eating so why would i put *that* in my mouth. anyways only happened a couple of times, and he's stopped asking now. the thougth of it just scares me. plus surely it's just so dirty. like unhygenic. thinking about what comes out of it makes me feel ill. come makes me feel ill. i find the whole process disgusting. he has pestered me for like a year to suck his b***s, but everytime i resisted. kinda cos i find it gross, kinda cos they always seem sweaty and smelly. but then we were playing a stupid game of doing stuff we wouldnt normally and he persuaded me to do it. it took me ages to get up the courage to actually do it. to put my mouth down there. and then i did it. for like 3 seconds. i couldn't do it because of the sheer terror i felt doing it. like it had provoked an old memory or something. my counsellor reckons it could be a body memory. ever since then the thought of giving head makes em want to cry. Sometimes i even cry during sex because i can't cope with how awful i feel. the crying isn't even to do with the pain. just the whole experience.
how stupid is that? everytime i have sex/attempt it i feel liek im gonna break down. more so if we actually manage to get it inside. like trying it and me not beng able to is humiliating, but actually going thru with it is worse. the shame, humiliation and disgust i feel. it's too mch to bear. it just makes me really emotional feeling.
I dont know what to do. I want to have hypnotherapy to find out what happened. I might do it.
my boyf mum actuallly came ut and asked me if id been abused. she just came out and asked. what would make someone ask that?? well it was cos fthe bpd diagnosis. but why would she assume? i said i didn't know, and told her how i had a suspicion and how i asked my mum and she said the i hadn't as far as she knew, but then if something had happened then i wouldn't have told her anyway!! How would i have learnt not to talk about bad things unless someone had told me not to?? at a really young age you don't know that there are somethings you should keep to yourself. she said i've never been one for telling her about thwtas happened. anyway, when i said this to the boyfs mum she said, well if you think something might have happened then it probably did. is this true? i mean i don't see why i would think it if it didn't happen.
i hate being so disgusting. basically, my stupid dermatillomania is ruining my life. it's horrible looking so horrendous all the time. and i read why some women pick the skin on their faces (on the face in particular) and it's because of sex. because they feel the need to make themselves disgusting so that no one wants to have sex with them. I think this is coming true for me. I never picked badly before the sexual problems started. i always picked a little bit, but nothing unusual. but since this is all started its got soo bad. so bad i can barely look people in the eye sometimes, somedays i don't even leave my room because my face looks so bad. im worried that people will look at my and think i have some kind of disease like syphillis, or that i'm a drug addict. ever seen teh faces of meth? thats how i look, minus the thin bit. no thinness for me.
*hugs* I can really relate to this, I also have had a lot of symptoms of past abuse and many people have asked me if I have been abused but to my knowledge I haven't. And like you I acted very strange from an early age with secrecy. I still haven't found the answer, I've thought about hypnotherapy too.
However, I do know that *some* of the symptoms of abuse, like sex hurting and such, were due for me to the fact that with my ex I was being manipulated into having sex when I wasn't in the mood (well more complicated than that and turned worse later, but anyway...), but I didn't want to admit what he was doing so I kept telling myself it had to be something before him. But now that I'm not with him, I have no pain with sex...
I have no idea if this is true for you, but if you felt pressured into sex early on or even pressured into sexual actions when you were still a virgin, it could have triggered the vaginismus. I didn't have that that i'm aware of, and I don't think that's what it was as it went away when i left him, but my body acted very similar to those symptoms and I'm almost positive it was because of the way he was. So I'm definitely not saying this is the case with you, but I do know that even if there was something in the past with me, many of the sexual problems were things in the present that i should've dealt with much earlier. Your bf sounds a bit pushy and I can't tell for sure how bad he is from what you wrote, and I don't know how your first sexual experiences were, but if you've been feeling like you don't have a choice, regardless of whether you do, it may be your body subconsciously reacting to feeling trapped.
It of course doesn't explain the problems with being quiet about stuff and also preoccupation with rape and all if those symptoms were before losing your virginity/becoming sexual in other ways as it was with me. But I just thought I'd bring it up as your story sounds so similar to mine as far as all the signs point towards abuse but there's no memory of it and it really kept me in a bad situation.
But if that's not an issue with you, hypnotherapy might be an option. I am very wary of it myself just cause i'm terrified of false memories, but I've also considered it, I know how frustrating it is to feel there's something you don't remember. Just make sure you check out the reputation of your therapist, and also maybe take some steps like having someone there or recording your sessions to make sure there's no suggestions going on. I really don't know for sure what the best action is when everything points to a repressed memory but it's not in any conscious memory at all. I don't know if it's better to remember or not. But either way I definitely can relate and I hope you can figure out what is the best way to deal with it for you.
Hey Frozenfairytale, thankyou so much for your reply. I honestly thought I was alone in this. I'm sorry you have similar problems too.
That's interesting about the sex with your ex. I mean my boyf isn't like really pushy or anything, most of the time, but I do feel pressure to have sex - whether it's from him or myself I'm not sure though. He's been really good recently and not tried to initiate sex or anything which has been good but i still have a massive sense of guilt all the time. Thing is, there always seems to be some underlying sexual air to everything. Like he will randomly just touch me or pretend like he's simulating sex on me. And I think it's making thins worse. Kinda feels like presure in a way even though i know he's not expecting anything. I want to tell him not to cos i think it wouls help, but we are already so much just like friends that i don't feel i can take that away as well.
yeah i could definitely imagine that feeling pressured, even if it's not from him, could really cause or at least exacerbate some of the symptoms. maybe talk to a counselor (can't remember if you said if you had one)? not necessarily like hypnotherapy, but just regular talk therapy, to find out why you feel pressured, and to also give you some ideas about how to approach it with him. Also couple's counseling would be really helpful too, as it might help him understand you more and it might also help the two of you work together to find solutions. When there's problems like this it's essential for there to be good communication, and couple's counseling can help with that. If he really cares about you, he'll be willing to learn how to adjust his behavior so it enhances your relationship, including both the sexual and the emotional aspects of it. I do know what you mean about everything turning sexual, and he may not know he's doing it or understand how it affects you but talking to a professional might help him.
Just make sure he always respects your right to say no and that he doesn't try to manipulate you at all (like doing things you can tell are intentionally trying to get you to have sex even if its not good for you to do so). Not saying that's the case but after my experience I just want to make sure girls know that they shouldn't feel guilty about not having sex. A good way to tell if he's really committed to helping you and furthering your relationship in every aspect would be to see how he reacts to suggesting really working together to find what types of things you can both do to help the situation, whether that be through counseling or just talking, whatever you guys think is best. He should be willing to compromise with you about how he approaches sex just like you're trying to make the relationship more meaningful and find out what will help you better be able to enjoy intimacy.
