where am i going??..(rant)

[tt88]

this is gonna sound real stupid but its something that is really scaring me atm...im 22 in a couple of weeks and when i look back on my life and think of what i have done, i realise i have done nothing. All i have done is drink away my years, worked my backside off for absolutely nothing except to smoke it and pee it up the wall. im now living alone, fresh start and all that away from my roots and all i seem to be doing is moping!
im torn between so many decisions. i want to train and become a cpn but i cant afford it, i want to find myself somebody and settle down but i dont know how to...i cant even decide what colour to paint my kitchen and whether i should have cheese or ham on my sandwiches!
seems insignificant ay!
ive tried talking to my psych but all he does is tell me that i should drink because everyone my age drinks, that if i want to cut myself then who is gonna stop me and to top it all off he just tells me ill grow out of it!! how the fxxx am i supposed to grow out of it! 10 years!! 10 friggin years and in the next couple of months ill be fine cus i would have GROWN OUT OF IT!!! sorry for shouting but i just cant figure it out. all i wanna do is curl up in a corner and cry...just cant decide which outta the 4 to choose...
sorry for my rant...just needed to let it out, and well theres only so long before the walls start shouting back

[Zurg]

I think i understand how you feel because quite often i feel like a failure myself. And i'm older than you and i don't have a job, an education or any hope of ever getting any of those. But i want to share something with you because once when i felt really hopeless i called my mum and told her i felt bad for not being where all my friends are, you know, through with an education, in a job, earning more than i'll ever have and all that stuff.

And she said "it doesn't really matter with all these things. So your life didn't turn out that way, but the only thing i want for you, is to be happy. You might never get an education or a job, but as long as you're happy i don't really care."

And you're young. And there's plenty of time to get all those things. I always felt like i needed to be a mum at the age i am now, have a partner and everything that comes with it.

I think what you need to do now is to make peace with yourself and your life. You know, at 22 you've barely lived. And i think, that as with me, nobody wants you to do this and that and in this and that time. They just want you to be happy. And i think that's what you gotta focus on. It's ok to be confused, it's ok to feel scared and pessimistic about the future. And hey, you HAVE done things. You've moved into your own place. That's a big step, actually. And there'll be enough time to find out where you wanna go and what you wanna do.

There's so much pressure on young people to do well, to be successfull, to do all sort of things. But i am sure that no one will think badly of you for taking a few detours, Hell, my mum didn't know what she wanted to do until she was nearly 50.

What i'm trying to say is, don't feel bad. You may have made some wrong decisions but it's never too late to start anew. And don't feel pressured into thinking you need the perfect grades, the perfect job, the perfect family. What matters most is your happiness and your inner peace. The rest will come in good time.

And don't feel like you're a failure for still cutting at 22. It has nothing to do with being a failure. Recovery takes different time for different people. I think you should tell your psych that it doesn't help when he says these things, that it makes you feel bad about yourself. I think he meant it in a nice and optimistic way but if it didn't feel like that to you then tell him. He won't be mad.

[tt88]

thanks that makes alot of sense. i know that im still young but when i look round at people my age theyre going out on weekends and socialising, due to my old job i fell out of that and would only ever drink by myself at home. which got me into alot of trouble. not that thats the thing thats making me like this, i just feel like such a loner. my friends arent around anymore and ive lost everything because of the way i am. feel like i should be due for retirement! i just like things to be organised and where they should be, but theyre not. i always promised my mum i wouldnt smoke, would never drink, would go to university and do the things that she never had the chance to do. just a shame ive turned out to be her at 21 rather than later in life.
when i was 15 i had to go to hosp for a review to see if it was right for me to be hospitalised after a few sui attempts in a couple of months. the psych im seeing now was that same bloke i saw. back then i hadnt spoken in a few weeks and because i couldnt answer any of his questions he told my mum that i would do it until one day i went too far and then i wouldnt be a thorn in her side anymore. i think thats why i dont like him and thats why everything he says i tend to take in a bad way, but his attitude towards me hurts and makes me feel like dirt. never thought i would let a man make me feel the way he does again but somehow he does.
how pathetic do i sound..