Triggering (SI) - Please. I just really need some support right now.

JustOutOfReach · 23-05-2010, 03:04 AM

Please. I just really need some support right now. I’ve been cutting for over 12 years and I’ve spent all those years conditioning myself to hide it from everyone. Every instinct I have is to keep it from the world. I just recently went through some major life changes and I’ve been more depressed and stressed than ever. My anxiety has been getting so bad, some days I don’t even want to leave my house. About a month ago I went to this doctor at a walk in clinic for something totally unrelated and in the middle of the session, I just blurted out ‘I need help’. I then said those utterly impossible words. ‘I cut myself’.
She told me to go and speak to the mental health practitioner at the urgent care centre. And then go back and see her. I’ve been trying to go everyday for a month. But every time I start to think about it or try and get ready to go, I have this absolutely debilitating anxiety attack. I’ve come so close to calling paramedics. So I went back to her yesterday and told her this and she gave me an anti-anxiety med. She wants me to take it for a week and then go back and see her.

So now here I sit. I’ve never felt so empty or frightened. I’ve crossed boundaries in myself that are tearing me apart. All I want is to sit and cry for hours. I need to let this out. It’s building up inside me so badly. But this F*&#ing medication is numbing all of it. I feel so disconnected with myself. All I do is smoke and wander through my house. I can’t figure out what I want. Sit, stand, lie down, watch tv, listen to music, sit in silence. I just keep ending up back in bed cause it seems like the most uncomplicated place to be. I can’t cry. But I need to let this out. I’ve never needed to cut so badly. I need a release more than anything. I have to get it out. But I’ve never been so disconnected from myself. I’ve never been so afraid to cut. I don’t know how far I will go. But I can’t stand this anymore. I have to do something. I don’t know what I want.
I just need some support I think.
I have no one else to go to. I’m sorry for ranting.

Stellata · 23-05-2010, 10:36 AM

Are those boundaries you've crossed loving [genuinely protective] or restrictive ones that shut you away from what you need?

Maybe you've never been conditioned to reach out when you're hurting. Going against the grain of that can really set anxiety spiralling, I know.

How's it going with the medication?

crazykat · 23-05-2010, 02:45 PM

*Hugs* I don't really have any advice but wanted to let you know I am here if you ever need anything. Well done for reaching out for help hun

JustOutOfReach · 23-05-2010, 03:47 PM

I know these boundaries aren't healthy ones. I know that they need to be broken. It's just, they're all I ever known. These pills just make me feel so disconnected with myself. I don't know how else to explain it. Is that normal? To feel like you're not really here?

beck717 · 27-05-2010, 07:42 AM

its possible that you are just not on the right medication yet. it often takes several tries to find the correct dosing and medication for each unique person. I'm glad that you have reached out to get help. Even if it seems that you did it unconsciously, that means something inside of you knew that you wanted or needed help.

Also, changing patterns and things you have always known is often very hard. But don't give up. Getting better is possible. Keep trying to go to the mental heath practitioner but only if you are ready, if not, keep in touch with the doctor you have been speaking too, and see if they can help you get in to see the other doctor. I wish you the best of luck in this.

taz35 · 27-05-2010, 09:41 PM

*lots of squishy hugs* I'm horrible at giving advice... but you made an amazing first step just telling your doctor! I never had the guts to tell my doctor, and it was actually my friend who took me to the crisis center and told them I was cutting myself. Now I'm a lot more open with the professionals about it.

I've had days where I've felt totally out of it, or not all there. They suck. Whether they were a result of the medication or not, you just have to try and bear with it. Keep a record of when you feel that way, how long it lasts... talk to your doctor about it. Meds that work for one person might not work for the next, so it could take you a while to find the right ones. It's a pain in the ass, really.

It sounds like you've made a great start at getting help though. PM me if you ever need to talk :)