swings in the recovery process/& further questions
Sometimes now I'm really... well. For hours, sometimes a whole day here and there. Well as in, well, not freaking out all over the place and able to be with my feelings and understand them.
But sometimes I'm. Not.
I feel confused. I mean, I know I'm getting better, and that this is part of the whole thing. But on my bad days I can be really bad.
I guess... my falls back into illness are more trigger dependent than a global state, as it has been for quite a few years now. And when the triggers come, I can bear the feelings better than I used to be able to. Though I still have some way to go yet.
And if this confuses me, it probably confuses others, who don't know about recovery from this kind of thing. I guess.
And then I wonder... am I starting onto a milder phase of depression [never much let up with anxiety, but I've lived with that for longer than depression, really, clinically speaking] and perhaps even a period of remission? Which, although that's great, the prospect of my falling into a more severe depression at some point in my life again is a probable thing. After all, I have 'Recurrent Depressive Disorder'. And if the 'worst' happens job wise, the dangerously depressed Pit could be very close. I guess I'll deal with that when/if I come to it.
It's a bit frightening as I get better. Lots to work through and navigate. And there're still some virtual 'no fly zones' in my psyche that I still edge around and try to run away from. [this damn volcano is everywhere, even in the metaphors for my head...]
I think that's a very understandable way to feel. Especially because, as you said, getting better can be frightening - maybe as you're recovering you're learning a lot of new things about yourself, about ways to cope, about other people, about all sorts of things, and that change in the way you think and feel can sometimes feel very scary, especially when it's all 'novel'. I'm not sure if that's what you mean, but that fear as you recover is very understandable.
And swings in the recovery process are also very understandable - there's a lot of very difficult feelings to work through and process, and sometimes that can make things very confusing and almost make people withdraw back in a way, to a more familiar state. Recovering from depression is like firefighting in a way - as you put out the main fire, smaller fires can crop up along the way which also need to be dealt with. Maybe those swings in recovery are similar to that?
I'm not sure if this has made a lot of sense, so I apologise if it hasn't.
I have experienced similar as I'm recovering. What has always been said to me though is that I am not in fact having that bad a time, even though it really does feel like I'm falling back down into that dark place, but that because my good times are a lot better than they have been for a long time. This means the bad times feel worse because of the contrast, but then when every day was really bad I was just so used to that and that it didn't panic me. I'm still not sure how true that is for me as it's incredibly difficult to compare emotions that may have occurred at different times and in different contexts so obviously I can't comment on wether or not that is what is happening in your case, but thought I'd raise the point.
But with feeling unsettled in regards to current affairs such as the election I definately empathise. It's important to realise that the press do try and exaggerate things to get a story out of things and that most of the press who are gleefully calling for cuts in the public sector are in Rupert Murdoch's pockets and therefore are more right wing than the general population and politicians aren't going to only listen to their viewpoint before implementing cuts here there and everywhere. Do you think doing something like writing to your MP about your worries about losing your job might empower you to feel that your voice is being heard?
Yes, I'm learning so much. All the time. I worry at times that I'm not keeping up with it all.
Absolutely with the bigger fire being more under control, the smaller ones needing attention. Well. In some ways my perception of what is big and small issue wise keeps changing shape. And each 'fire' is interlinked.
Yes, there's more contrast. In the past, the good times were fleeting, and I wasn't fully aware of them, because the shadows around them were too intense. When I 'collapsed' over Easter, things felt way more awful as I'd been so well and stable in the weeks leading up. My GP said that it 'hit me more like a tonne of bricks' because of that. Totally.
I don't think I could write to my MP. But I need to feel more empowered. I want to feel empowered in who I am and what I can do. And be realistic as to how certain symptoms can be debilitating when they escalate and peak. I supply taught for many years, and was in a full time job that felt 'wobbly' because of my past. So much insecurity there. The echoes of all that haunt me still, that much is clear. I guess this is an opportunity to heal that, maybe.
I am indeed getting so much better.
And I feel sort of liberated, and trapped all at once. I need to be with this state, as the other feelings, stages, too. I am capable of so much, and yet...how to find balance in nurturing and deepening this wellness, as well as stepping out of my comfort zone and using my skills more? How do you find the balance? [It's related to work and my job, once again, and my skills and abilities.]
It's ok to feel the way you do. You are capable of so much, you're right, but that doesn't mean you have to push yourself too hard, you don't have to do it all straight away. It might be that you just need to take that time to work through what you're feeling at the moment, to process all these new states. It does sound like you're feeling a lot better and more 'free, but at the same time that can be quite a scary feeling, the world almost seems a lot 'bigger' and less protective (I don't know if you feel that way?), and sometimes it's a bit confusing knowing which direction to go.
Oh yes! It is totally that way. The world feels so big and vast and I feel so much more a part of it, but also still finding my way in it. I have been so... insular and 'protected' but also not - very exposed and violated by the world because of the frozen past echoes that follow me everywhere. I am seeing the echoes, hearing them, feeling them, becoming conscious of them, so more of me is available. What to do with it? It is precious, not to be squandered, or violated again. It is to be used.
