It sounds like feelings of depression send you into a panic or depth of loneliness from which you crave relief. Your instinct is to run away, because it doesn't feel safe. Maybe you never learned how to handle such feelings as you were growing up, maybe no one gave you a reliable role model. I understand how hard that can be. Many people try to run away from those feelings - I turn to rage or isolating myself, usually both!, and there are many, like you, who turn to, first self harm, and then substance abuse. Maybe there's like a delusion that the drugs are a comfort, your mind is sort of twisted into thinking that cutting wasn't really a comfort, but drugs are? In that case, your mind is wrong, but it's understandable why it thinks that way.
I would definitely recommend therapy. Really, you need to address your feelings at their root, or not much is going to happen. As DT says above, withdrawal is painful, as it is from any destructive habit, as the habit was an attempt to protect you from the feelings you're now face to face with. You need lots of support to start making health choices for yourself, and we're on your side as you work to this.
My therapist calls this process 'bearing with' difficult feelings. It's being responsive to yourself and your pain, and slowly running away from it less.
|
