Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - i dont know

[l.e.g.o]

dont know why im posting
maybe im just fed up of people telling me this
they say im ill and im not
im just pathetic
im a pathetic person who has a few things wrong
my friend made her point that i have meds given to me and a psych
but im not ill
thats why i dont take the meds
cos im not ill just pathetic arent i
and now i probably gonna of pissed everyone off here

im sorry

[Fry]

If you don't think you need the medication then don't take it, if you can get along without it that's entirely up to you. What are the 'few things wrong' you mentioned?
I don't think you're pathetic at all. I think it's quite common for people to question if they are ill or not and to believe that they aren't. Some are right. The most important thing I think is, to sort out the problems you have. Whether they are illness based or not.

[l.e.g.o]

a few things happened to me over the years
i dont take my meds
they just make the nightmares worse
if im ill pills wouldnt make things work and people would listen
i am pathetic
cos i dont cope
im just wasting peoples tim ethough arent i
im sorry

[Fry]

You aren't wasting people's time at all. You are worthy of being listened to and supported.
How are the things that happened in the past effecting you now?
Do you have anyone in real life to talk to about this?

Quote:

if im ill pills wouldnt make things work and people would listen

Do you mean that if you took meds then people would listen?
People should listen regardless of whether you are taking medication or not. Sorry if I've misunderstood that part.

You aren't pathetic at all, you've done really well to reach out for help. It's brave.

[l.e.g.o]

all that they do is tell me im ill
the pills make me feel worse
people dont listen when i tell them they make me feel worse
im sorry

i constantly feel his hands on me
constantly re live what happened
everything to do with him, to do with the other guy, to do with losing my baby, to do with my mum wanting rid of me either dead or into care but being to weak she couldnt

im pathetic
i cant cope with it
but im not ill
just pathetic

[Fry]

I understand that the pills make you feel worse and there's no point taking them if they are going do that. I don't think you're ill either, how you feel is a result of things you have been through in the past and I'm really sorry to hear that you had to go through that. It sounds like you've been experiencing flashbacks. Are you familiar with any grounding techniques for when they happen?
It must be so distressing for you :(
You aren't pathetic at all. You really really aren't. I think you're quite the opposite, you're very strong and brave to have survived your mum being so cruel to you and aggressive and the bad things that went on with the guys you mentioned. You're a survivor.
Are you having any therapy or similar?
If not maybe you could see your psychiatrist and ask to go down the talking therapy route rather than medication.

[l.e.g.o]

i have a therapist
but they all say im ill
im not
im not
they say i need pills
and i dont
i dont
just cos i harm
just cos sometimes i want to die
just cos i cant cope
im pathetic

im not strong

[Fry]

What is the illness that they say you have?

[l.e.g.o]

depression i guess

[Fry]

Well you don't have to believe them. But I guess it's inevitable that you would feel depressed after what you've been through. It's the future that is better to focus on than the past though. I know that's a lot more easier said than done.

[l.e.g.o]

what future

[Fry]

Yours.

[roiben]

Sweetie, you know I do not think you are pathetic at all. I think you are a lot stronger than you think you are. You are coping with an amazing amount, and I know how painful these memories are to you.

The thing to remember with the therapist, and the psych is that they class your symptoms under the spectrum of PTSD. Something shocking has happened, and the flashbacks and memories, and the feelings of a lacking of self worth are all a result of that. What they want is to help you to be able to cope and deal with this - Sometimes, that can mean medication, which is often designed as an anti-anxiety or other such to ease your symptoms.

It is not an illness in the sense of having a cold, or cancer. It is a cluster of mental symptoms that, for the ease of medical reference, they call one thing, in this case, I suspect PTSD.

*cuddles*
You know that I am always around, and I am sorry if I have been a bit distant lately... I have been dissociating a fair bit with my depression, so find it hard to focus sometimes.

Never feel you need to apologise for posting, hun, that is what the site is here for.

*safe hugs*
Roiben x

[l.e.g.o]

i just cant do this anymore
the pills are worse than rubbish and they dont listen to what i say about them or they pretend to and then say they will do something and never do
and then they make me go for blood tests and things cos maybe they think there is something else making me depressed cos whatever anyone says i havent been trhough that much to warrant actually having depression and therefore it has to be a symptom of something else cos i cant be fixed and im so pathetic and useless and making everyone hate me as i cant get better and maybe if i cant get better its because im not ill and noone will accept that
im not strong
im weak
im pathetic
im sorry
so so sorry

[l.e.g.o]

i on the pills for a year now at the same dose
i kept taking them for bout 8 months i told them they werent working and they dont care
maybe i am just broken
broken beyond any repair
sorry
im just going on what they all say
whats the point

[lynx]

*Hugs*

Sorry Jo, I'm tired and crying atm. My best friend got thrown out. But know that I'm thinking of you. I know you're not coping and I wish you were. Try looking for a different therapist, one who will help you process your memories and help you manage your flashbacks so they become bearable to you.

*Support hug*

[l.e.g.o]

sorry i know im selfish

[lynx]

You're not selfish, Jo. You're talking about how much you miss Emily all the time. You're not selfish at all. You just need to learn how to cope with everything that happened and your therapist is not helping you.

[l.e.g.o]

the only reason for the blood tests is cos she doesnt see i have a reason to have depression other than maybe something physical
i give up
i am selfish
its like im trying to help my friend and then she asks if im ok and i say not really and i feel upset that she then goes back to her problems with her boyfriend-god im awful and horrible

hate me

[l.e.g.o]

sorry