Triggering (Suicide) - no i dont expect you to care
Why did my Dad not kill me? Why did the guy that took advantage of me not kill me? Why would people panic if I said I was going to kill myself? Why would any of you care about this? Why am I still bothering when I'm so drained of energy and all I want is a break?
I don't know you at all, but I care about you (it's a funny old world), just from the few lines you've typed here it's blindingly obvious that you have a lot of anger, hatred and unasnwered questions to what's gone on in your past. yeah I know I'm stating the obvious here, but I wanted you to know that I've decided to take the time out of my life to reply to you and to offer a little olive branch of support.
People panic when you say your going to kill yourself because they don't know what to do, many will quickly revert back to saying 'you've got so much more to live for'. It's a time when they can be selfish and say hey, your not going to do that while I'm with you because I care about you, I like you, I want to help you. I might not have all the answers to hand but let me walk side by side with you to offer you a shoulder to lean on, to lend a ear to shout into, to lend a tissue to cry into.
Perhaps your still bothering because you still do have a bit of fight deep inside you and that's a good thing, maybe you know it's not yet your time to be saying bye to this world...
It's all just sort of come out recently and I can't seem to do much to keep it at bay apart from 'unhealthy' stuff like self harm/overdoses/suicide. I need that shoulder to cry on badly.
I do have fight in me. I just wonder what the hell I'm fighting for when I'm OK with death. And I really don't mean this in a depressed way. I'm not depressed or speaking irrationally. My life is highly insignificant and I know that everyone would be fine if I wasn't here anymore; I understand they'd be sad but they would get over it and everything would be OK. Life would carry on.
It's hard to accept that I have to carry on after everything that's happened. I'm so drained after working so hard for so many years and now that things are stable and 'better' in my life I sort of feel like my work is done. I've proven myself. And now people might remember me for the doing well at uni, getting involved with charity work, raising awareness etc rather than just being depressed like I was before. It's a good time to go. Do I make any sense?
I know that you'd think that it makes more sense to stay alive when everything seems well but I'm just so tired. I'm tired of fighting.
Yes, I can understand that because my boyfriend has very similiar views and I've had to take a step back and look at the way he views things rather than me trying to get him to conform to what I want.
It's great that you are ok with death - I wish I could be because it terrifies me! maybe you are still fighting because you are curious as to what else you can achieve. I guess it's a battle of wills that you need to work through do you stay or do you go. Maybe you need to take a little time out for yourself - you've proved yourself to others now it's time to help yourself and really question what you want to do.
Thank you, again. All I can really say is that I'm exhausted. This week I've tried to start being more open about being raped (thread in Abuse too) and when I attempt to put that in perspective (it's not my fault, he shouldn't have done that, I am a good person) it wacks the full extent of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my Dad (& everyone else) in perspective (it did happen, it was as bad as I thought it was, I didn't do anything wrong).
And I just feel like I deserve a fucking break. I spent 16 years being tortured by my Dad, left home and went into a psychatritic system that not only treated me badly too but often literally handed me what I needed to kill myself, when they were supposed to be helping me. Friends, teachers and obviously family have let me down and treated me badly. Repeadedly. When I never once did anything to provoke it. I remember being 7 and my Dad screaming and screaming this horrific things to me and all I thought was 'I'm not going to say anything like that to him because it would hurt him and that feels wrong.'Not once have I induced, caused or sustained the injustice I've suffered. I don't fucking deserve it. I'm sorry to say that I wish my Dad had murdered me rather than us me as the ragdoll he did. It would have been easier for both of us and I know he had it in him. A rape is almost easier to rationalise that someone hurting a child like that. I can just say 'he was a bad guy', let it go and think nothing more of it. I can let him off and say 'he might not have realised he was raping me, he might not have understood the effect, he probably needs help to' but my Dad saw the effect he had on me. It wasn't just 'shout at Katie until she cries' it was 'kick Katie out on the street with no money when she is already alone and desperately suicidal and has nothing and noone...then she'll get what she deserves.'
I still I fight. Still I just want to help people. Still I know how lucky am. It just makes me so sad that I was hurt so badly by people that I deeply cared about. I would do anything for my family, anything. And I always start my appointments off by saying "Now, I completely appreciate the position you're in and I know that medical doctors might not have that much understanding of psychological problems....thanks for your help anyway"
Why do I do this? Why am I not a raving murderous lunatic? Why do I still feel any level of love, respect or empathy for any doctor, family member, teacher or friend after 21 years of abuse, homeless, rape, poverty and disadvantaged circumstances??
A little life lesson for you...it will make your life easier if you ever have the unfortunate chance of meeting me in life. I really am sorry about that.
Anyway; I AM A TWAT. I DO VERY STUPID THINGS TO GOOD PEOPLE. I AM NOT A VERY NICE PERSON AND I NEVER LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES. MY LIFE IS ONE BIG GAME THAT I'M ORDERED TO LOOSE BY PEOPLE WHO RAPE ME AND ABUSE ME AND STOP ME FROM BEING IN THEIR LIFE. IT'S NOT AS FUN AS IT SOUNDS.
I AM A TWAT. And I'm very about that. I hope you all have better people around you than my friends have....oh my friends...oh it's really them i should be saying sorry to because they're are the one who ACTUALLY have to handle me. I'll do that now. Good idea Katie You were about due, you royal moron.
You were about due, you royal moron. 