Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Keeps coming, I can't stay
But I need to stay. but I can't. It's stupid, I've tried everything. Talking to my counsler doesn't help, he just puts it off, saying to take it slow. I can't. I've held off because I thought this entire thing would be worth it, but it isn't. Nothing is worth it to me! Why stay? My friends could give less about me, except one who's gone through this. But she has her own problems, I don't want to put more baggage on her back. She knows I'm suicidle, she says she'll always be there, but she confided in me that she too has been feeling urges. She's staying away, mainly because she has someone constintly there for her. No one will listen but her, and I know I'm just bugging her! I want to fall into a hole, I want to sleep forever! I don't want to wake up in the morning, I don't want to go to school, I don't want to stay at home, outdoors is hell to me, and nothing feels right! No one listens! No one cares! My friends think I'm a freak, my crush, she's been avoiding me. My moms always sick, my stepdads always be her side. She could die any day, and I want to go with her...Or exchange. Let her live for my worthless life. My dad doesn't know how to take care of himself, thats my job, and he sure as hell can't take care of his daughter! I hate this!
I want to go...
But I can't go like this...
Its so sweet, I want it...
But I'm scared...
Most are afraid of death, but I'm afraid of living any longer...
Help...
"Hate can't drive out hate. Only love can do that."
-Martin Luther King Jr.-
It sounds as if there is a lot of pain and pressure put upon you and you don't know who to turn to for fear of bugging them. Have you talked to teachers or your GP about this- that might be the next port of call? It sounds so hard to have your mum ill and your dad unable to look after himself. I'm sorry your friend has her own 'baggage', but maybe you could help each other through it together?
Sounds to me like you've got a lot of stress in your life right now. It must be very hard for you to watch your mother, and your entire family I imagine, going through so much pain, and feeling as though you have to stay strong to take care of your father. It's no wonder you're feeling so hopeless, and struggling so much with the urges you described, but I really hope that you find some strength here.
I know things are hard right now and it might feel as if all of this effort is worthless but you owe it to yourself to keep forging ahead. How long have you managed to hold off, now? Sometimes when the urges are getting too much, it can be very easy to lose sight of the reasons not to but try to think about them now. When you first started, what were your motivations? And what has kept you going for this long? The road is hard and tough but at the end of it lies a life free from these urges, free from the pain and, overall, that means a better and happier life for you. You just have to keep going and it will be worth it in the end.
Suicidal feelings result from an imbalance between pain and coping resources and so it makes sense to say that a way to combat suicidal ideation is to try to balance those things out again. I'm sure that your counsellor has spoken to you about this, and you're probably discussing a little how to either reduce the pain you're under or to increase your coping resources. Either way, I'm sure if you carry on with your therapy you will notice a difference in the way you're feeling. I imagine making the decision to get therapy was pretty difficult and so you owe it to yourself to stick with it, and I promise that eventually you'll start to feel a benefit. Like I said, it's a long road but the results at the end are well worth the struggle.
Right now, you need to take one day at a time. Sometimes, when we're feeling this way, that's what it comes down to. You wake up everyday, and you make the decision to live, and one day - maybe in a couple of days, or maybe a few weeks - you will wake up, and you won't have to make that decision because you will already know. You will wake up, and you will feel glad that you are alive, that you kept going for so long. But for now, conciously make that decision every morning and you will get through. These suicidal feelings are only temporary and you can live, you can get through this.
If your friend has said to you that she wants to be there for you, to help, then how can you know that you're bugging her? That doesn't make sense, does it? So she's feeling urges too, but that doesn't mean she can't be there for you. If she has some support too then that's brilliant, and perhaps that will help her to unload a little so she is able to support you in turn. Don't cast her aside just because your thoughts are telling you that she doesn't want to be there for you. Depression has a way of fooling us into believing the things good for us aren't.
I'm sorry that your mother is ill. My mother has been ill for a lot of my life as well, and I know how difficult it is to watch someone you love and care about so much in so much pain. This must put so much pressure and stress on your shoulders, and especially if you've taken on the responsibility of taking care of your father too. Have you got any other close relatives who could help you with this burden? Any grandparents, or aunts and uncles that are aware of what's going on and could give you and your immediate family a little more support? This is such a huge thing to be going through and you shouldn't feel as though you have to handle all of this by yourself. Do you and your father ever talk about what's going on? Do you share your feelings about your mother's illness with him? Do you ever feel able to sit down and talk about it with your mother? I know it may seem selfish, as though you're putting your burden on them when they're already so sad, but I think you'll find that talking about it with them will also help them as much as it will help you. And I'm sure they would much rather you confide in them than keep this all to yourself. Perhaps it might also be worth going to speak to your doctor and find some support from professionals who specifically deal with the situation you and your family are in right now. There's a lot of help out there -- you just have to reach out for it honey, and sometimes that is the hardest part.
Whatever you do, don't ever think you're alone because we're here to listen and help as much as we can. Take care of yourself, dear.
