I'm not sure where to post this. Two and a half years ago I experienced my first episode of psychosis. I took a serious overdose, and within hours of swallowing the pills, a man name Joe appeared and started talking to me. At first I could see him ,but then I could only hear him, then it felt as though he was in my head 24/7. We talked and talked for hours on end, and I can honnestly say, no one has ever come close to knowing me and accepting me as he did, completely unconditional. It was Joe who convinced me to go to the local mental health ward a year and a half after he appeared, and tell them about him, and about everything else that was going on, things like me losing my home, walking out on my relationship, walking the streets becasue I was recieving messages from the tv and the radio to do so. When I was assessed, they put me on anti psychotics and I had the crisis team out three times a day to keep a eye on me, and stop me from wandering the streets.
Joes gone now, at least I can't hear him anymore, but I know he was real, at least to me. The problem is, I think I fell in love with Joe. He's been gone completely for a year or so now, but every time I think of him, I cry and miss him so much. While he was around, he made me a promise that one day we would be together. I can't get that thought out of my head, and I miss him terribly, so much so that I still cry at the memories of spending time with him. I cant survive without Joes love. I just feel like ending my life all the time just to be with him again.
I guess what I'm asking is, has anyone else ever experienced this? Is there any advice anyone could give me? I can't carry on being so conflicted.
It sounds like Joe came to you at a time of great distress, and it seems like he helped you a great deal; encouraging you to seek help, be honest and open up. A remarkable nurse i used to know always said that people come and go from your life, and they are like stepping stones, you learn things from them, perhaps develop skills, and often they leave your life at some point or another. It sounds as if Joe was a big stepping stone for you, and left a big impression on you.
It is so understandable that you miss him, and that you have such strong feelings for him. But it seems he taught you the lesson, and helped you when you needed to be helped and now his presence is no longer required in a way.
What do you think of the idea of Joe being an extension of yourself, that your mind (very creatively) created Joe to guide you through such a difficult and traumatic period, Joe is a part of you, and is still with you; inside, the strength, the company, the love is all within you, but more embodied within yourself...?
Hi Ashton, I'm Fran aka Alanis (its what Joe use to call me). Thankyou for replying to thread. I totally understand what you suggested, my psychologist is trying to make me see the same thing. Maybe I have have to grow up, and realise that I have created something I can't have, a sort of self sabotage thing. Anyhoo, I will deal with the suicidal feelings next week in my CPA meeting, and psychologist appointment. I just have to be honest with them so they can help me. And be strong till then xx
Perhaps he is the part of your mind that knew you needed help? It sounds like you were experiencing a lot of distress from suicidal thoughts and paranoia of receiving messages and such, so perhaps your mind created him to help you realize that you did need help and that you're not alone. I agree with bleeding black that you can see him as someone who helped you. He helped you for a time, even if it was your mind that created him, he really is a part of you, but now perhaps you will be more functional without him, and it's him that helped you get there. I can't imagine how hard that must be though. *hugs*
Sounds like Joe was a person that you created inside of you, like the others said. Joe helped you to help yourself. You said that you promised to be together, and you've kept that promise. Joe was like another part of your mind that came out when you were having a really bad time, you promised that one day you would be with him. Promising him that was effectively promising that one day you would feel better, and the two parts of your mind would combine again. You've done that now, so you are with him, because he is a part of you. Really, you are closer to him now than you ever were. You can't talk to him in the same way anymore because you and him are one.
Hope you're ok
x
And you're my obsession, I love you to the bones...
