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Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - Mmmm *Trig - SU*
I'm not that sure that I even want to post this but ...
I've got to do something >.>
My grandparents have been talking about kicking me out. They dont understand my situation, and from the sounds of it my dad sure as **** doesn't understand ...
I'm Bipolar and Schizophrenic. They think I'm on my meds (Ha) but I'm not. After my dad told me just how much they are a month, I stopped taking them. If I cant have them adequately and I can't take the ones I'm used to, I'm not going to take them ...
...Not only that, but they make me forget things I dont want to forget...
I've been simply thinking about popping into the psych ward. I dont want to though - because in order to do that I either have to tell my dad theres a problem to the point where I need to go or call the police to escort me...
My dad has been ... Indifferent about me going in the past. I dont know if it just hits him the wrong way because of my mom or what. But the simple thing is I dont want him to know. I've needed to go in the past and have had to take drastic measures because he wont ****ing listen =/
Apart from not wanting to lose my home - I dont have anywhere to go and I can't continue living here ... Its not healthy. Its as simple as that. I'm a danger to not only myself, but becoming a danger to others - partly due to my dad and partly due to myself.
See - I have a tendency to get pissy with my grandmother because she doesn't understand things and takes things that she shouldn't take offensively just as that ... Not only that but she has to act like "Oh I'm such a good ****ing whatever" and show off in front of my dad - being a bitch about things when she normally wouldn't say ****.
And make up **** too ... Like She "Told me to pour out the tea in the fridge 4 days ago" And she only said that because my step mom poured it out. She never even ****ing told me to! But she wanted to be a bitch and make me out to be the bad guy so ...
Anyways - my dad is threatening me well - As he puts it "Not threatening, not trying to be 'barney bad-ass' but just telling whats going to happen". Essentially - I take things differently than most would mainly due to mental illness. I dont trust my grandmother because she has gotten me into harmful situations. She put me into a situation where I was raped and mollested ... SO - Quite frankly, I dont ****ing trust her! (And am now paranoid because the little red lines under mispelled words are just ****ing disapearing >.<)
Because I act ... Like a bitch - to put it frank - around her, hes personally said he's going to (Try ha) to beat my ass. The only thing is - He's only risking his own safety were he to do this and he ****ing knows that ...
...He should also know just by threatening me hes opening up a can of ****ing worms ...
Anyways ... I know I need to go, but I dont want to just because of everything thats happened in the past. The hospitals I've gone to are not very well prepared to handle patients with schizophrenia and altars and just ... Everything else.
They ridiculed me ... Told me **** I knew was blatatnely untrue (Like how I couldn't be addicted to SI because I dont do it everyday and I essentially didn't know **** about my situation) And so I dont trust them. The ONLY person I've trusted at the hospital relocated ... So ****..
Its getting to a point though where if I dont do something I'm going to wind up hurting, or killing myself or hurting someone else =/
SO I dont know what the **** to do ...
I've asked friends for their assistance - and asked if I could stay with them but ...
Haha - The only friends that I COULD stay with unfortunately cant help ...
Dustin would help but ... He is in a bit of a financial crisis as is and wouldn't be able to take me in ...
Tyler doesn't trust me enough to let me stay - he's personally said he wouldn't trust me with anything sharper than a stick of butter (But then again, I couldn't blame him. In all actuality - I wouldn't trust HIM Enough to stay with him >.>)
I Honestly doubt Harley would be able to either ... His situation financially is worse than Dustins ...
And then Katie would - but then again I refuse to abide by her parents rules and would get kicked out the first day ...
SO **** ...
Help?
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