Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I'm suicidal.

[chickenpie]

But I feel that telling someone means its not real, that its just another attention seeking attempt that will cause pain. But if I don't tell anyone then there's no escape, I'll just have to give in.

I am not going to go into it, I will scare too many of you. But its kind of comforting knowing I am going to be free.

I promise I am not at risk right now just feel so weird, I have felt suicidal before but always got help and I never actually felt calm. This feels right, maybe its the one thing 'good' thing I can do for everyone.

I just emailed a friend of mine from the churh who I haven't spoken to for a couple of years, why I don't know, I just want some prayer. Please if there's anyone who would be comfortable praying for me, I don't knowmaybe it will help.

I don't know which way to go with this, I am scared but relieved. I am freaked but acceptant. If there is anything anyone can say, say it. Scream at me, tell me I am worthless, pathetic, a bitch, breaking the rules, whatever you want. I just need to know SOMEONE has heard me, so that if I do do anything I may not be forgotten.

I wrote a goodbye letter, asking people not to grieve for me. If I do do anything I want the pain to stop. I want to release people from the pain I have caused.

I sound so stupid and I'm sorry, this ISN'T a suicide letter, I don't want to do it, I just want to feel something. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and this will ll be forgotten. I PROMISE 100% I am not going to attempt anything, I want to try to process this in my head first and I want to try to get better, its just scared me so, so much that for the first time ever, this seems feasable.

Thanks for reading.

Gemx x

[xxjuliexx]

hun is there someone you can call or even a help line *offers hugs*

[chickenpie]

Reading this back makes me feel sick, how selfish I am to do this to you all. Thanks for the hugs, I promise I wont put on you like this again.

I made it through the night, I guess I just have to keep fighting.

Gemx x

[xxjuliexx]

hun the fact the you reached out on the boards is a good sign but is there any one you can talk to about these feelings your getting *offers hugs*

[Wakeful Dreamer.]

You're always welcome to talk to me about it. I can relate to what you're going through. xx

[chickenpie]

Hi everyone,

Just to let you know, I'm okay. I am beginning to see things differently, too tired to go into things but for now my 'plans' are on hold.

Thanks for all the support.

Gemx x

[Wakeful Dreamer.]

I'm glad to hear you're okay. We're here if you need anything.