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Triggering (SI) - Need to talk.
I'm feeling so messed up right now I don't even know where to start.
Actually, I do. Mild ED trigger in here. Be safe.
So: my ex. She was my first experience with dating - it ended about a year in when she went to the psych ward for telling her teacher she was planning to kill herself. She had... troubles. Cutting, lashing, anorexia, all stemming from this massive self-esteem problem she had, and I think knowing her was what caused me to start self-harming. Well, no - I had cut myself before her. But I started going in parallel lines when I saw parallel marks on her arms. I don't know why; I guess it felt right, or I wanted to impress her or something. Whatever.
Anyway, I stumbled across her Facebook profile recently. And she had... written. Things. About me - using the wrong pronouns and such, how I brought her down, told her she was melodramatic, attention-seeking, how I saw her as a guy. And I guess it's true. I was unfair to her. She's incredibly smart, and people like that... intelligence without wisdom lends itself to a single, random event bringing the full force of the world down on you, at least in my experience. I was naive when I first knew her; she was my random event. And after her... I'm trying to be healthy, but my perception of the world is distorted. I guess hers is too, but at the same time, it makes sense. Too much sense.
She had also written some poetry about her self-harm. Really triggering stuff. And I guess - looking at it, I realize how similar we really are. I restrict my food, because I feel - I guess - I just feel like I was born in the wrong body. I don't like my breasts, don't particularly want a penis, either. Gender as a whole is not something I identify with. And my curves... bother me. Intensely. And she wrote about restricting her food because she wanted to be more feminine, to restrict her growth... it's just... disturbing, to see how far I haven't come.
Anyway, yeah. The writings. Basically led to me self-harming for the first time in three months. And I feel like ****; the AP bio test is next Monday and I'm going to fail, my dad's trying to sue my mom for custody, I have a boyfriend who doesn't deserve this, and he's sweet, he's darling, but he hasn't had that cataclysmic event in his life yet, he still sees things in black-and-white morality, and I don't deserve him, and a part of me wants to break him, wants to drag him down to my level so he'll be willing to give me the beatings I deserve, and to hold me and love me when he's through.
It's sick. And it's verbatim from what my ex was writing. But I've felt this way since long before I knew about that. I feel like I'm torn too many ways at once, between perspectives on life, naivete and overintellectual rationality and that diseased, bittersweet dishonest self-indulgent damaging twisted beautiful self-loathing that she gave me such a proclivity for.
I'll get over this. I'm in high school. I'll settle down, get over myself, find a nice, stable man to live with and be a woman with, have a job, have some kids, and this genius psychosis that lives inside my brain and poisons me from the inside out will wither away and die. And I won't be smart enough to miss it.
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