Triggering (SI/OD) - Scared to get better?

[-Shae-Lynn*]

I think that I'm afraid to get better, seriously.
I'm not sure why exactly. I mean, shouldn't it be more scary to cut myself and attempt suicide? Shouldn't ODing be a lot scarier than not ODing. Seriously, I don't get it!
Why is it that I'm so afraid of getting better.
I think that I'm afraid of people not caring anymore. That people won't care about me anymore. I mean, I'm not doing this for attention, never have, never will. I do my best to hide everything from everyone and only reach out when I absolutely have to. Just... I don't know. I think that I'm more comfortable being where I am.
Except I'm not. I try cutting and it just, doesn't work. All I can think about is ODing and ending up back in the hospital. All I want is to be okay again. Why is that so hard!?!

[xlaurenx]

Hun i feel exactly the same way, and preety much do the same thing, oding, cutting deep and am not scared of it yet am scared of getting better. Strange.

hope your okay, your not alone.

[-Shae-Lynn*]

I think I'm most afraid of getting into a situation where I can't deal and then not being "allowed" to hurt myself. That is such a scary idea. What if I start having panic attacks again? I couldn't handle that. But I know Im strong, at least I know that sometimes, and that I can take on a lot. I just have to figure out how to deal.

Last night I tried to figure out a plan. A good one this time too. I was going to figure out how to get better without saying goodbye to self-injury forever. Didn't work as well as I had hoped unfortunately. I don't know. I don't like taking it day by day because then if I screw up today there are no consequences. I need a goal. And some sort of punishment if I fail. That's the only way I'm really going to stop.

I think I'm ready, I'm just scared!