Can someone help me make sense of my head.

[elise elend]

Ok I know this will probably make sense to no one, and if anyone can be bothered to read through this, I really need your help.

For some time I've been struggling with my emotions. Through my teens I've always had very low confidence because I was bullied when I was 11/12 which made me very depressed and suicidal until I was almost 14. Last year (I'm now 18) I was very depressed for about 6 months, and cut myself, ended up in A&E a few times because of my very self-destructive behaviour which involved drinking and trying to hurt myself in every way possible because I hated myself and just wanted to get out of my life. Then I met the guy who is now my boyfriend and he was the first person to ever make me feel valued and good about myself, so I got much better, I stopped the cutting for him and everything. So that's the background story.

But now, even though since last year my life has changed completely and is perfect, just the way I always wanted things to be for years, I just can't stop feeling bad. Sometimes whether things are going well or not, I'll be in a great mood feeling like nothing can stop me, and bad things don't matter, but the rest of the time I just feel very low, and negative about the future, and I can't stop thinking about how worthless I am and that my family are going to die, I'm going to drop out of uni, my boyfriend will leave me, my friends all hate me, that sort of thing. And it's like living under a huge weight, because these feelings keep returning again and again, and they are there for no reason, my life is so perfect, why are they there? I feel so trapped by this.

This week has been even worse than usual because I'm so stressed from uni exams coming up and a giant essay to do, I just can't cope. I've been having nightmares every night and disturbed sleep that doesn't seem to give me any energy. I feel like a weak person like I'm not meant to live. Nothing makes sense. Some days I just want to stop existing because it hurts.

[lynx]

Maybe you're that used to things going wrong that now things are going OK, you can't seem to get rid of the idea that you don't deserve any of this and it WILL be taken away from you?

You need to reassure yourself that it won't, it'll stay.

[Fry]

Have you been assessed for depression?

[Kitkat :)]

Firstly, I suggest you go to a doctor and tell them about all this, they may refer you to an adolescent centre that deals with problems like this... It does sound like you have depression, because I recognise the symptoms, but it's an idea because I can't diagnose you... So doctors would be a positive step.
I understand what you mean, when something's going good for me a part of me almost feels guilty for being happy, like I need to be depressed because that's who I am... It's not, and I don't want to be, but I feel like a fake if I'm not unhappy.
You may be feeling like this because a part of you expects this to be taken away from you, so your mind is literally preparing you for the worst so it won't hurt as much if it happens.
It would definitely benefit you going to a doctors though.
PM me if you need to.
Take care.