Hi.
This is probably really stupid, but I'm just looking for some advice/people's experiences.
I've had my diagnosis, as something in the background, as a "probable" for about a year now, and recently things have been pretty bad, and it has been confirmed by three separate people.
It's terrifying me, because it means that there's something actually "wrong" with me, and now that it is official I don't think that people see me as a person anymore, I'm literally just "BPD", everything I do is just "BPD", nothing about how I feel or anything.
I really, really didn't want this diagnosis. I didn't want it at all. Before it was officially confirmed I think that I was about okay with it, it was a "we think you have this" but there were still other possibilities.
I feel like there's something inherently wrong within me, within my personaliity and I can't change that, there's no way I can ever get "better". Basically, being given the diagnosis has come town like a ton of bricks and I'm not coping, but this is just reinforcing the view that says "oh just BPD".
I feel like it's given me free range to do what the hell I want, because it doesn't surprise them anymore, I don't have to pretend to be okay, because it's just what people with it do.
Sorry, this is long, and I guess what I'm asking is, how did you cope when you were officially diagnosed and how do you learn to accept the diagnosis and move on, start to get better? Also, do you think people treat you differently now?
Thank you.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
I did an assessment with my psyhcologist and it came up very high for bpd, so i thik i'm going to get diagnosed with it...i've been wanting to be diagnosed with something to be able to get the help i need, as thats how i see will get me the help i need.
i know being labelled with something can be horrible, but then having the diagnosis and when you need help, they can see the diagnosis and then they'd know roughly what to do...do you understand that? i don't know if you feel the same...
i'm being referred to a course thing called STEPPS which is a course to help people with bpd...maybe ask the people you see about the course and if there is one being arranged in your area?
Remember that a diagnosis is a construct by academicians, and doesn't have to be seen as a framework for something inherently wrong with you. This is especially true of personality disorders. They're a bunch of symptoms that supposedly go together. I bet if someone really looked in depth, you'd have bits of lots of diagnoses, but they've settled on one of them.
I'm not really wording myself very well, but what I mean is, a diagnosis is not fully who you are. And the medical model can appear very conclusive, when in actual fact, things are far more fluid.
It's slightly different for me, in that I am not officially diagnosed with a personality disorder. I have traits from a bunch of them however. And I do remember when I first faced realistically that, yes, there is some borderline personality stuff going on with me. It felt like the bottom fell out of my world. But, over time and with therapy, I grow in more compassion for how things got to be this way, and been able to word things in more human being friendly terms, like insecure sense of self.
I've not long woke up (coz I'm a lazy moo) so my brain isn't on full function but I just wanted to say I kow ow you feel, BPD is a crappy dx it makes you feel rubbish no matter what anyone says, I felt the same hun, i bawled my eyes out for a day the second time when recently my new team brought it up, I'm not offically diagnoses yet but this is the second team who have said it so I suspect I will be,
i know what u mean being diagnosed with bpd can be hard, i know that i went through hell when i first got diagnosed and i still struggle to accept it sometimes even now and i've had my diagnosis for a long time. unfortunatly im not the best person to give advice on how to cope cos my coping methods just aint healthy but you are still you, dont let bpd define you as a person. it is a s**t thing to have i know but things can get better. i dunno if u've ever seen the bpd thread on here but u should come and chat to us at somepoint because there are people on there that are much more sensible than me and can probs give way better advice. take care hun xxx
Last edited by hellz : 03-05-2010 at 12:48 PM.
Reason: typo
Thank you for all your replies. I guess it's just a huge amount to take in. I've said before that I used to want a diagnosis, a validation and then when it came along, it felt like everything was ruined.
I've been reading up on PDs and stuff, but to be honest, that scares me even more, with words like "serious" and "enduring". I don't think that I'm actually ill and so it all just seems a bit much.
I am away from my team at the moment, but when I get back I'm going back into psychoanalytical psychotherapy which I hope will help, and I will definately ask about STEPPS, but I just can't accept it at the moment, but now every action I make I see as something to do with BPD. I feel like I've lost completely who I am. I'm just a label.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
I completely understand what you mean about the label taking over, i hate it and when i think about it too much well...you know bad things. i was only 're-almost diagnosed' a couple weeks ago but you spend your entire time going, am i being manipulative if i say/ do this? am i really that bad a person? you question everything you say/do i mean i dont think i am manipulative or have firey relationships but in moments of weakness i question everything and everyone in relation to bpd.
i see it slightly different to you, i look at the bpd and think well thats not a real mental illness thats just me being rubbish, and then i sit (and this is awful but please forgive me for it) and almost long for a 'proper' illness
Ferretmonster I understand where you're coming from. And that first paragraph is exactly how I feel. I never saw myself as BPD, I never thought "oh, that could be what I have", but then they hit you with the diagnosis, and I don't mean this offensively to anyone, but I feel like they're just saying "you have a **** personality, you will eventually just self destruct and get over it". I don't know. It just seems so deep, so ingrained.
I don't know. I don't know how I see it, apart from as something that I can't get over and that is now the be all and end all of everything I do.
Sorry, melodramatic, I just don't know how to deal.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
I hate it too and I've known for over a year. It implies there is something wrong with your personality. I preferred it when it said I had interpersonal difficulties. It didn't change my treatment though and I still see a clinical psychologist. He doesn't think much of labels anyway, but I got really angry with him because he wouldn't help me change it. I still haven't forgiven him. I would never tell anyone in real life that is what is wrong with me and so it feels like one more secret that I have to hide. Sorry that doesn't help you.
Startingagain. I also know how that feels. I can't tell my friends or anything. I'm super ashamed. I don't know maybe, in a weird way I'm wanting something more "socially acceptable", if I have to have anything at all.
Thanks again for your replies.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
I can see how BPD can be a scary diagnosis. With something like depression or anxiety disorders there is the possibilty of recovery and a diagnosis can help people feel like the way they are feeling is not their fault.
I think it is partly just badly phrased and perhaps should be one of the diagnoses that should undergo a name change the way "manic depression" did. I don't think doctors (or at least the good ones) are trying to say you have a sh*t personality or that you can never get better or at least control your symptoms.
at the end of the day it is just a word and helps doctors put people into boxes in the same way we have put animals into species/genera etc.
I think it's everything. To be honest. I don't like to think of myself as fitting a criteria and I don't want everything I think and feel to be put into a "box" as it were and explained away by my "illness" or whatever.
I don't know. I feel like such a fake. I'm not ill, so why do I need a diagnosis?
I'm not being very clear, I just can't accept the whole thing.
Thanks again for your responses.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
I struggle to accept a diagnosis too, especially BPD as a lot of professionals dust you under the carpet. Well that's how I feel anyway... I would rather have not been diagnosed with BPD, and just get help with the symptoms more than the diagnosis. I don't think they treat us as humans if we have BPD. It's a part of us, and they don't think we want to change, so they decide what's the point?
I know what you mean about allowing yourself to be ill and grovel yourself in it, and I certainly used to do that. There's quite a few people that like to grovel in their own illnesses thinking they can't get better so they just sit in their own negativity. They won't allow themselves to get better because they can't see change, or they don't want to change, or because they think their labels define them.
Everyone is much more than labels and diagnoses.
Anyone can change if they have the determination or the will. I certainly don't want to be like this for the rest of my life. I don't want to have negative coping mechanisms, negative thinking about life, being depressed, being too anxious to get out, having intrusive thoughts, and so on.
Make a step forward, rather than a step backward. Give yourself a chance, do something out of the ordinary.
Anyone can change.
But hey that's just my opinion.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes." - W. Gibson.
I struggle to accept a diagnosis too, especially BPD as a lot of professionals dust you under the carpet. Well that's how I feel anyway... I would rather have not been diagnosed with BPD, and just get help with the symptoms more than the diagnosis. I don't think they treat us as humans if we have BPD. It's a part of us, and they don't think we want to change, so they decide what's the point?
I know what you mean about allowing yourself to be ill and grovel yourself in it, and I certainly used to do that. There's quite a few people that like to grovel in their own illnesses thinking they can't get better so they just sit in their own negativity. They won't allow themselves to get better because they can't see change, or they don't want to change, or because they think their labels define them.
Wow, Sky Fairy. I know, logically that you are right.
I don't want to be like this forever, hell I don't see myself as they seem to view me, if that makes sense.
I don't know. I think, as I say that it's just a lot to take in. In many ways I feel like they have labelled me simply because of my self harm. I want to be more than a label. Definately and I don't want to stay stuck in the negative, which only serves to reinforce their diagnosis, but I'm not sure how to break out.
Thanks for all your opinions, they're really interesting.
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. Make us all feel wonderful. We'll never forget."
