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Triggering (SI/OD) - sorry, 3rd post in 2 days but it's something i want everyone to know...
I'm sorry to be a pain..i think this is my 3rd thread in 2 days..
Last night, i couldn't sleep and I wrote up something last night that I emailed to my cpn and psychologist and I plan on printing it out for my bf and grandparents and my dad. My experience of my life atm.
I would like to share it with the people here...if you don't mind.
I'd like some feedback, do you experience anything like this? how do you deal with it?
Thankyou for your support in advance.
This is what I wrote/typed up:
I feel like I’m a small vulnerable child hiding from the demons, waiting for the next appearance of the demons who push her away, when he appears she screams at me, a loud piercing scream that goes on and echo’s around me and the only way to stop hearing the scream and the “do it, it’s the best for every one else, just do it” is to cut.. well it used to be that, but that hasn’t helped anymore, it has lead me to do worse harm, internal harm, taking too many tablets in the hope that I pass out and not hear the screaming anymore.
I don’t know who this little girl is… my future daughter? My younger self? I’m not sure who it is and I don’t know who this demon is either.
I’ve not ever mentioned hearing the screaming and the demon before, only to Jeremy very recently as I’ve only just been able to put it into words…but it’s probably been around for about 2 years, maybe more, I can’t really remember. I’ve been too scared to mention it…I don’t want be known as someone who hears things that aren’t there… I am afraid I’ll lose the close people around me, I don’t want to drive them away, I feel empty enough as it is, but they really are there, they’re real and I can’t deal with it anymore. How do I stop it?
These depressive episodes I get almost agoraphobic ( I can only leave the house with someone), I have no sex drive, getting out of bed to go to the loo is such a struggle, eating is a struggle (I only eat when food is put in front of me), getting washed and dressed is a struggle so I just don’t bother, I dread every day and can’t get anything to lift the mood. I can’t even get myself out of bed to make a cup of tea. I hate people seeing me so low, vulnerable and dirty, I try to make Stuart break up with me, I try to make people hate me. Sometimes I don’t even recognise myself, I hate myself.
I know I will eventually come out of this bleak dark depression and destruction…but the next thing will be the hyperactive/manic episode which has led me to become sexually promiscuous, binge drink, walk into a tattoo place and get a tattoo without thinking about it in hope it will stop me hurting myself and spend all the money I have and even then I am likely to hurt myself somehow and fill myself with guilt. I will also get my zuzzy feelings of surreal dream-like déjà-vu where I think people are talking about me and I can hear everything through an interrupted radio station. I look in the mirror and see a different person. That lasts for a few hours’ maybe even days, it’s horrible. Then when that episode is over after a week or two maybe 3 I am shattered and become depressed again…it’s a vicious cycle.
I want to know what’s wrong with me, am I diagnosed with anything? Am I going to be diagnosed with anything? I’m sure some thing is going wrong in my head some how. I want it to go away or be stabilised so I can lead a normal life. I’m getting weaker and weaker and I am really struggling to cope with it.
I know I will be doing the STEPPS programme and I really hope it helps, but can it really deal with all of this?
I am hoping this is going to help people understand what I experience a bit more…
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